Second City Network offers a humorous and insightful video field guide to help you identify the four types of drunks you’ll meet on St. Patrick’s Day, and just maybe you’ll recognize yourself among them! Like New Year’s Eve, Saint Paddy’s Day attracts the amateur and professional drinkers alike. One thing the two groups have in common is that they can be broken down into subsets. Only those who sip soda are able to appreciate the humor or potential for conflagration inherent when all four groups collide, as they inevitably do.
If you set out on a St. Patrick’s Day pub crawl, keep your eyes peeled for ‘The Lone Wolf’ – oh sure, he appears to be drinking alone, but his friends are ‘right over there’ or ‘on their way.’ He is full of the blarney. Still, he must drink enough to catch up with the thirsty phantoms – for they have an enormous head start on him!
‘The Hot Mess’ is impossible to miss. Oh ya baby! Whether alone or in a posse, she’s hot, and she is a mess – and she’ll be creating the latter soon. Hey, what is an ‘Irish Car bomb?’ I’ll have to look this one up. I have a feeling that flavor takes a back seat to the bang.
‘The Angry Drunk’ You know him. You avoid him. Hey, who said these categories were only out on St. Paddy’s Day? Like the rest, the angry drunk never, ever feels better when he or she drinks. Anything you say, or even a look they misinterpret , is reason for a rant, or a black eye – yours.
“The Happy Drunk” Bless ’em. They just LOVE everybody! They lead the Conga Line, until they can no longer stand up. They are the life of the party – until they pass out.
Second City forgot the ‘Sad Drunk’ who can start out as any of the categories above. However, when he or she reaches a certain point, the crying jag reflex kicks in. His dear sainted mother (still living) brings wracking sobs which alert the barkeep. The bartender will then kick you out right along with him, for overindulging. I guess they reason that if you’re sympathizing, and listening to all of that sobbing, you must be beyond help as well. I’ve only been thrown out of a bar once, and it was for being with a male friend who had reached that maudlin point of no return.
Gosh and Begora! All of these categories can be found in a bar near you on any of the other 363 days a year.
They’re just so much more festive on March 17, what with the green glitter and with most everyone clad in green…Which is also the color of their beer, when it comes back up. Even the vomit is festive!
Are you a sober observer? If the answer is no, then which category do you feel might fit you best?
Oh hey, wait a minute! I’m not trying to start anything buddy, I said ‘might’ fit you – I truly wasn’t implying anything, and I don’t want to fight…Or even arm-wrestle.
There is one other category and it is the very worst one. Please don’t be in the ‘Drunk Driver’ category, please?
Happy Saint Paddy O’Furniture to ya!