Congress enacts "monumental" energy bill

The US Congress today passed a bill holding automobiles to a higher standard by 2020. Automobiles must, by that date, be considered 40% more efficient.

Some congressional aides, who wish to remain anonymous, were quick to point out that they never define “efficient,” and that the new law will not have any effect on the search for alternatives to fossil fuels. Indeed, some say there may even be clauses buried in the bill that discourage any sort of renewable energy, calling it “horseless carriage thinking.”

“I mean, that steam, solar, geothermal, and wind technology, … really man,” said congressional staffer E. Ramsey Bolstetl. “That stuff is linked with the way DaVinci thought. We’re hoping for something a little more real, and a little more ‘outside the box” like dilithium crystals or something..”

Most agree that the 13 year window will give Halliburton and others time to scarf up all the “newer” ways of generating power, so they can continue the business model they have adhered to since ex-CEO Dick Cheney came on board. Rolwathel Kindineth, a major stockholder from Delhi, said “Dick did it right, and we’ll do right by him. Even if we have to corner all the quartz and tuning fork technology on the planet.”

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