Chuck Norris facts be damned politics!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris (or Chuck Norris can drown a fish). Finally getting into the G-rated stuff that makes it on to ABC Family, Hallmark Channel, and those other tv channels that even Jerry Falwell doesn't watch.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. (or Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul). Time to work in some Bible-related material since 7 hours a day of tv just might not be proper home schooling. It doesn't matter if stuff isn't really in the Old or New Testament if it suits the Conservative agenda today.

Chuck Norris got an A+ in math putting down "Violence" for every answer since he solves all his problems with violence. On life's journey toward conservative values, you gotta maintain the interest of your preteens with the PG stuff since G-rated material is the economic kiss of death for television fantasy characters.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face (or Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction). Time to pass along life's little lessons of the past two thousand years that haven't served much purpose since the previous century outside of the Middle East. But if it was good enough for Dad it is good enough for Son.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone (or Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now"). Let us not be amiss in the indoctrination of the girls during the formative years. After all, role models for future young Republican women can be tv tough guys.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "Manslaughter" (or, when Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live). TV-14 material at last. The good stuff. The Republican dream of never needing any enlightenment past adolescence, since you never have to grow up if you believe in Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. We're out of the fantasy land of television into the big time of movies. PG-13 bigscreen dreams and the world of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne and Fred Thompson. Sprinkle some salty language in for flavor.

There are 39,991 more of these yucks out there, for the schmucks out there. And like most conservative legends, they will go on for a very long time -- truth be damned. So why not one more: Chuck Norris is dead, but the Grim Reaper is afraid to tell him.

You can laugh at the weekly Chuck Norris column on Mondays, at that conservative thinktank called WorldnetDaily)