Republican Tea Party 1995

This weeks' Tea Parties reminded of writing this piece on Republican Tea Parties 15 years ago. Still topical as the war on drugs proceeds, Newt Gingrich is running for President, Dick Armey (who at the time called Barney Frank a FAG) is the main sponsor of Today's Tea Parties, and Tom DeLay is still disgusting...

Of Barneyfags and Bitches

" It's the most serious thing that can possibly happen to one in a battle, to get one' s head cut off." Lewis Carroll 

Alice soon happened upon a very long table in the woods occupied by three very strange characters. A droopy faced Dormouse snoozed in a chair much larger than he seemed to belong in, while the oblivious leader, a cherub faced gray haired individual with a large top hat, madly ran up and down the long table kicking off whatever old things he found in his way while a March Hare followed behind replacing the empty spaces with what they decided were newer and much better things.

" Out with the old!" Cried the Hatter kicking away.

" In with the new!" Shouted the March Hare dropping newer and better objects in the empty areas.

" Hello." Interrupted Alice, " May I sit down?"

" No room. No room. Can' t you see we are busy making things new! We are the government and too busy for you."

" There is more than enough room. All I see is you breaking things while that strange rabbit runs behind you dropping old lumps of coal everywhere you' ve been. I' m sitting down anyway thank you kindly." Alice said placing herself in a chair next to the snoring Dormouse who after its snottering inhale, released a descending " barneyfag..."

" What is a barneyfag?" Alice inquired of the Hatter, who now with hammer in hand was smashing flower filled vases in the center of the table.
" He sits in a chair too big for his britches, talking of barneyfags while I speak of bitches. It' s really quite simple and just what it seems, he means what he says and says what he means."

" I can' t really make much sense of that, but if it' s suppose to be a poem, its poorly done. Could I bother you for a small cup of tea please?"

" Tea? Poems? Tea and poems are for those who spend their time thinking and reading, an awful waste of time when they could be hammering and beating" , rhymed the Hatter who was now at the end of the table jumping up and down on some old documents in a glass case. Soon he moved back toward Alice and the Dormouse, pausing while the March Hare moved a large stack of framed paintings from a chair up on the table. Alternately, they then picked up paintings and smashed them down over each other' s head, soon waddling about with their bodies caged in rectangular frames.

" What are you doing to all those lovely pictures?" Alice asked.

" What we are doing is not looking at them but using them. We drink no tea, we read no poetry and we would rather look down on you than up at pictures. Have you not noticed how big we are up here on the table and how very small you are down there in the chair." The Dormouse woke, looked up, and hoisting his chair up on the table looked down on Alice dozing off once again, " barneyfag..." .

After the table had been cleared of all the bad old things and replaced with the newer and better things the Hatter trampled over the broken leftovers to where Alice sat to declare, " Our ungovernment won and the party' s begun!"

" Oh, I like parties," Alice said, " What is the party for?"

" You are not invited so it shouldn' t matter to you. This is a party you are not welcome to. You are neither a Dormouse, nor a Hare nor a Hatter, nor anyone else with enough value to matter."

" I am a little girl," Alice replied, " I can' t see why I can' t be included in the party."
" You may indeed be a little girl, but traveling about without your parents is abnormal. We cater our party only to the normal such as we." The Mad Hatter stated stretching his mouth wide with his fingers, then extending his tongue and releasing a high-pitched " OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE" and wetting his pants.
" I have some money for tea." Alice told him reaching into her pocket and dropping a handful of coins on the table.

" She has money! Well that changes everything. Welcome to our party. Have some tea!" The clinking of coins and offer of tea woke the fat little Dormouse while the March Hare reached under the table piling large birthday cakes upon it." Then the party normal joined hands and skipped around in circles while occasionally bending over and gobbling up hunks of cake with their faces

singing their party song.

" A very merry ungovernment to us, to us. A very merry ungovernment to you to you..."
" Could I have a piece of cake?" Alice inquired politely.

" No. Absolutely not. The cake is ours. The coal is for you. Take all you want." Cried the Hatter as he and the Dormouse fought over more frosting.
" A very merry ungovernment to all to all..." They went on.

Alice soon had about enough of their rudeness and asked, " How can you be the government and the ungovernment at the same time? It makes about as much sense as those Tweedle brothers did."

" Our ungovernment does not answer questions unless you pay for them in advance." The Hatter replied.

" In that case let me phrase it differently. I am absolutely famished, give me some cake." Alice didn' t ask.

" Our ungovernment hears no demands, but if you wish some cake then pay for it first. Do you have cake money?"

" You just took all my money."

" That was tea money not cake money. You have no money, you get no cake."
" But I didn' t get any tea!"

" And there' s a lot more that you won' t be getting. Our ungovernment does not give things away, especially to abnormal little girls who refuse to work. Our ungovernment has learned that giving hungry people food turns them into silly people who do nothing but sing and dance all day."

" I' ll work," Alice replied, " What would you like me to do?"

" There is no work. We the government of the ungovernment are not responsible for work that isn' t there, that is the beauty of an ungovernment."

 " Well this isn' t a very nice party and I' ll just be on my way if it' s all right with you."

" Stop! Before you go you must be searched, that is the ungovernment rule." The Hatter then directed the Hare and the Dormouse to hold Alice down on the table.
" What' s this?" The Hatter laughed happily. " Contraband! An evil " eatme" cookie! This is not good news for you my dear." He looked to his normal friends holding down the little girl with their hands up her dress and asked. " What do we call it when someone sits down without permission?"

" Strike one!" Screamed the Dormouse sucking his thumb.

" And what do we call it when someone demands cake without money to buy it?"
" Strike two!" Yelled the Hare smelling his shoe.

" And what do we call it when someone possesses 'eatmes' with intent to distribute?"
" STRIKE THREE!" The normal ones joyously said, " Get us a pole and OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

More Political Satire by Rack Jite