Tuesday, June 10. 2008The 800 ounce Chimp in the Room for McCain It isn't even George Bush this time, but the 50 pound evil monkey triplets he beat in the primaries that he now carriers the water for: Speak no evil. Like Romney, McCain is not going to talk economic issues for "Average Americans" unless of course, it is about THEIR taxes. See no evil. Like Giuliani, McCain is a lifelong civil servant who badmouths "Big Government" although never noticing who wrote EVERY paycheck. Hear no evil. Like Huckabee, McCain is needing tremendous voter turnout of the "Religious Right" and will hear nothing of Supreme Court MODERATE nominees. If McBush wins in November, the graduating class of 2012 will have had portraits of Evil Chimps up on the school walls for their entire educational life. Darwin would be proud. 
Tuesday, June 10. 2008Creationism 4000 level Online Remedial Class
Whether ones believes a "Mystical Garden" cabbage story or the never seen "Winged Creature" stork fable, is based where you live in the US. SPOILER Alert: Our beginnings are not rooted in past mystical gardens or unseen flying winged creatures, but in other human beings. Whichever version someone is taught for an entire childhood, by the highest authority in their lives, is only shaped by geographical location. Of course the known facts about both (besides being fallacies) is storks smell like crap, and the effect of cabbage is even worse. So next time you hear vigorous "intellectual academic discussion" of ID or Creation -- just remember 'Of Cabbages and Wings'.
Sunday, May 18. 2008John McCain and Neck Wattles infomercial
In fact, if you devote just 30 minutes of your time to sit through Hugh Downs' latest Sunday morning tv Medimericial, you see what it will take for McCain's candidacy to improve on a superficial level - what matters most in elections. And it is a product that all Americans can benefit from if they'll only pick up their phone in the next half hour. And that's not all: You also get an early look at 5 MDs hawking natural cures for the masses, who are prime candidates to be considered for the McCain cabinet's newly created post of Surgeon General of the United Red States.
Saturday, May 10. 2008The Boycott over Decency is ended TodayAs a proud Texan living near Houston we can now happily drink our beer, read the magazine of our choice and watch whatever movie Hollywood puts out -- without a local store making that decision for us. This week I realized the local Right had lost their battle against alcohol, porn and free speech when the Randall's grocery store chain that wouldn't sell wine on Sundays had now replaced Muzak in Aisle 10 with "What if God was one of Us (just a Slob like one of Us)" The year was 1994 when the Houston company decided six days a week was ample time to purchase our Shiner beer and Miller Lite. Many Texans decided that 365 days was about right for avoiding that billion dollar retailer. The precedent for this hoopla started in 1986, when Southland Corporation pulled Playboy magazine off the shelves of its 7-11 stores to make a statement - a convenient cause once they realized the last of the Baby Boomers passed 21 years old that year, and that shelf sales peaked over a decade earlier for the magazines. And two years later, Blockbuster Videos made it easy for every real Texan to support their local video rental store when they refused to let their customers watch the Martin Scorcese film "The Last Temptation" - although they'll now let you RENT IT here. Back to 2008 where the effects of Texas' boycott worked: Randalls (who bought Safeway upon their initial exit from the state) is now owned by Safeway, 7-11 is owned by the Middle Eastern guys who work twenty hour shifts there, and Blockbuster is about to purchase Circuit City and soon be owned by banktuptcy pink sheet buyers for pennies on the dollar.
Friday, April 4. 2008Another medical study demonstrates benefits of RedWine pharmaceuticalA new medical study by John Hopkin of Baltimore (I-83 underpass at 43rd) confirms nearly 2000 years of ad hoc research that RedWine can make you feel better. Mr. Hopkin performed 365 trials until double-blind, in an unsubsidized privately funded test. The main component of Redwine, CH3-CH2-OH or known more commonly on the street as C2H5OH, is the chemical formulation of ethyl alcohol. The exact mechanism of RedWine is unknown; government officials at the FDA are closely monitoring it day and night. Users of RedWine should avoid driving until they know how Redwine affects their central nervous system. Allergic reactions to Redwine have been reported in women who suddenly get hot flashes which are only treated by the total removal of all clothing. Redwine is contraindicated for older men with chronic liver disease - simple blood tests of 0.20 BAC can determine whether RedWine is working. Patients should avoid drinking alcohol with their Redwine, as this can increase the effect of your dosage. A typical dose is 5 oz for women, 16 ounces for men, and 0.75 liters for those patients who have developed a tolerance for RedWine. Common side effects include temporary blurred vision and slurred speech. Headaches have been reported the next morning. You can find Redwine at CVS and Walgreens -- the one stop pharmacies for all your healthcare needs -- between the ice cream freezer and their tobacco counter. Ask your prescriber whether RedWine may be right for you.
Tuesday, March 11. 2008Busted in Idaho - Gilligans Mary Ann caught with Mary JaneSay it isn't so, Little Buddy. The well has run dry for actress and now dope-fiend Dawn Wells from the Sixties hit show Gilligan's Island. Busted for possession of marijuana, she is now serving six months unsupervised probation for her pot problem. Initial alternatives in the punishment phase of her trial included SUPERVISED probation, or 4 hours a day of watching the Bob Denver reruns on TBS. Whatever happened to him? The reports state she was caught with pot in the car, but did not go so far to indicate whether it was the 1960s tv show car with pedals that was constructed mainly of hemp. Speculation runs that the cause of her problems occurred when the last line of the popular lyrics to this hit tv show were changed in 1966 between "the Professor and Mary Ann" and "a movie star, and the rest" where recognition for the show's unsung heroes was finally in the credits.
Sunday, March 9. 2008Rotten wife of Chinese man burns 400 phones and they no longer WangThis much we know from our exclusive translation of the Xinhua News Agency, reporting from Wei Fang in Shan Dong: A woman known only as "Wang" according to the local Qilu Evening News, got revenge by burning all the cell phone stock belonging to the estranged couple who had successfully worked together up until this week when the husband got her really mad. The inventory was valued at 300,000 Chinese yuan (translates to forty thousand U.S. dollars) for the nearly 400 Chinese mobile phones (translates to thirty dozen Wal-Mart cellphones and ten lost American jobs) According to trusted source Google, there are 68,400,000 Wangs out there (translates to a major butt load). It took almost four bloggers at Kick! (translates to entire Texas office staff) nearly most of the morning to search for this extra news at great length about worldwide Wangs. To find out new updates on the wife's full identity and jail sentence for arson, we have stolen material from George Carlin to speed up the search process. The noted social commentary expert previously observed that Maria is the number one first name in the world, while the top surname everywhere is Wang. Armed with this discovery, the Junior Editors for RackJite hope to soon have the complete scoop and poop for Wang vs. Wang - even if it means checking out every Maria Wang on the planet.
Sunday, February 24. 2008What drives candidates like Ralph Nader ?Nader's car is certainly not a Corvair, or a big gas guzzler like the 14 mpg FlexFuel 2007 Tahoe vehicle that candidate Mike Huckabee drives. This is according to a poll of candidates posed in next month's issue of Motor Trend magazine. "What kind of car does the candidate drive?" wasn't even the question posed to the staff member for Rudy Giuliani, whose answer was 'doesn't believe he does.' Not exactly your average Joe, Giuliani probably wouldn't even own a car unless for investment purposes. Although he certainly isn't a public transportation kind of guy either, it is hard to imagine Hizzoner the Mayor behind the wheel of anything not driven by a personal chauffeur. Barack Obama drives a car from U.S. automaker Chrysler, although the aide couldn't say whether Obama's Chrysler 300 was one of those sweet 300C hemi models or not. The Ford Escape Hybrid twice made the list of cars driven by the presidential hopefuls. Christopher Dodd and John Edwards both have a lot more time now to go for an eco-friendlier ride. Fred Thompson rounded out the questionaire with his Volvo SUV, John McCain's ride is the 15mpg Cadillac CTS, while the car that Ron Paul drives gets just as far on a gallon of gas with his big Texas Lincoln Town car. Can you guess the name of the candidate who drives a 1960's era Rambler if we remind you that former presidential hopeful George Romney was the 1962 Chairman of American Motors? If you answered 'self made businessman Mitt Romney' you got the name correct but your answer is, of course, only half right.
Thursday, February 21. 2008Toshiba had its 15 GB of fame with HD DVDLast week saw just one high-definition DVD released to both HD-DVD formats: a low budget movie about a small town coming together to make a porn flick. With Joe Pantoliano as the village idiot and Ted Danson as town homo, "The Amatuers" was the only film to come-out on both Blu-ray disk and Hi-Def format. According to EngadgetHD's weekly headcount, Sony BluRay increased their lead in releases of HD discs to 444 versus 386 movies. The week saw two Blu-ray DVD releases from Topics and Buena Vista, and one each from Sony and Warner. The names of the blue-ray titles are unimportant when compared to HD's lone offering. Toshiba's fifteen gigabytes of fame (thank you, Andy Warhol) came to an end with the high definition release of "Girls Gone Wild: Baby Bash - Live and Uncensored!" So what if there's no longer a choice in HD formats -- if you're stuck with an obsolete player, you can still choose this week between a new porno title and GGW.
Saturday, February 16. 2008We don't need no stinkin guns in PasadenaCalvin Wayne Inman, a Pasadena Texas youth minister at an 800 member Pentacostal Church, surrendered to police for the fatal stabbing of a convenience store clerk fourteen years ago. Today's Houston Chronicle reported that the admitted killer confessed to pulling a large kitchen knife out of his pants to rob and murder 64 year old package store owner Iqbal Ahmed for a little cash and some smokes. With three high profile gun cases in the city already this year, the Pasadena knifing from the early '90s can serve to remind us of more simpler times when Texans with middle names of Ray or Earl or Wayne didn't immediately resort to gun violence. Because his accomplice was 13 years old at the time, Pasadena police spokesperson Vance Mitchell said they cannot prosecute his partner using current Texas law, but must adhere to 1994 juvenile laws. This sticking to the letter of the law will no doubt infuriate Republican residential candidate Ron Paul over in the next county, who holds well-known opinions on treating teenagers just like adults. So next time the subject of guns comes up, just remember Ahmed asking a teenager for proper ID at the Mutmaz Grocery in Pasadena TX -- guns don't kill people, cigarettes do.
Wednesday, February 13. 2008POS - Parts of speech for bumper stickersLittle Texans often learn to read by sounding out the funny bumper sticker on the SUV ahead of them, while sitting on his momma's lap in the front seat:
Monday, February 4. 2008Manufacturer Warning Labels for Politicians and PunditsMCCAIN: Always ask your prescriber whether the long-term risks are outweighed by any benefits. (In completely blind studies, long term effects of this plan have not been evaluated or considered) OBAMA: Side effects typically include light-headedness, temporary dizziness and mild euphoria. (In the top 2 for this category of relief. Get all the facts before starting any longterm regimen) HUCKABEE: A homeopathic remedy to feel better, only treats symptoms like an herbal tonic. (The placebo effect is reportedly strong in 15% of those persons who fully adopt the routine) CLINTON: 17 year waiting period has recently ended, so the generic version is on the way. (Much studied, although not always well-tolerated by those who have never had the full dose) ROMNEY: Experimental new treatment recently approved and available mostly for the wealthy. (Always read labels to know what you're getting. Contraindicated in women who may become pregnant) LIMBAUGH: Take as directed. Daily. Repeat. Again and again. Always follow directions as dispensed. (Apparently habit forming, through unknown mechanisms, although the dependence is totally mental)
Saturday, January 26. 2008Why Republican Ron Paul is afraid of ObamaIt isn't because of Barrack's true grassroot organization, or real world polls where the Democrat always scores far beyond the consistently mid-single-digit support of the Congressman from Texas. This time its personal; and there are quite rational reasons why Ron Paul is running scared: "We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers." Houston Chronicle 23 May 1996 Page 33 In documented writings straight out of Ron Paul's 1992 political newsletter: Under "Terrorist Update" -- how fast black males can run after they rob you. Exact quotes covered previously at RACKJITE.COM but now include a link to source Continue reading "Why Republican Ron Paul is afraid of Obama"
Friday, January 25. 2008Foreclosure Cats art auction at Ebay on Saturday 26 JanuaryForeclosures are no laughing matter for people who end up homeless. Increasing numbers of pets are ending up on the street as well - if they are lucky. Too many owners are leaving the family dog or cat in the house before it gets locked up for weeks or months. Even Business Week has covered the story of FORECLOSURECATS.ORG and their attempt to help protect the pet population. The second round of bidding on Ebay begins tomorrow, Jan. 26th for some crazy-ass art that benefits a worthy cause. Get a sneak peek over at CAFEPRESS today by viewing a picture of a wacky foreclosure cat! And in the process, help prevent thousands of unnecessary deaths in some of the ugliest messes coming out from the subprime real estate loan mess. Continue reading "Foreclosure Cats art auction at Ebay on Saturday 26 January"
Monday, January 21. 2008Not approved by Chuck NorrisMore HuckChuck facts: In a few weeks when he celebrates another birthday, Chuck Norris will be 3 years younger than John McCain - who he thinks appears to be "too old" for the job of next president of the United States. Norris, who turns 70 next year, was not available for immediate kickin' comment.
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Friday, July 18 Jon Stewart gets Lou Dobbs Head to Explode to find it was a Pinata Friday, July 18 Call girl who brought Spitzer down, sued over Girls Gone Wild video Thursday, July 17 Maine woman finds 8 foot Python under her jeans Thursday, July 17 George W Bush Alpha Dog on the Colbert Report Thursday, July 17 Barenaked Ladies Steven Page busted for felony Cocaine and Ron Wood Thursday, July 17 Daily Show Jason Jones has J P Gus Godsey Explain why things are so good Thursday, July 17 Man who dressed as 6 foot penis at NY graduation must apologize Thursday, July 17 Spooky antique Florida doll, inspiration for Chuckie will see you now Wednesday, July 16 Stephen Colbert Loves the New Yorker Cover of the Obama's because its True Wednesday, July 16 Add Blog to RSS
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The only ones debating Creationism or Intelligent Design would do better arguing if babies come from the cabbage patch or the stork.
By some estimates, many older Americans are afflicted by 
