Wednesday, December 17. 2008
Some begin by asking "Is holiday shopping and partying what it is really all about?" or
"What is the reason for the Season" ? It is a bit complicated and deserves more than a
slogan off a pickup truck bumpersticker. Best Buy stores get out the message to spend
your way to happiness with just 2 words, "You, happier." We will try in 6 words or less.
What makes people happy this season is under the Christmas tree on December 25th:
CLAUS IS THE CAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.
It's all right to get pushy as the holiday approaches if done in the name of your people:
LOVE FROM ABOVE TO SHOVE.
A large part of the tradition is stopping for a moment and considering all the abundance:
TIME FOR REFLECTION AND CONFECTION SELECTION.
In a declining economy, be sure to remind people that it's always the thought that counts:
SHORT SHRIFT FOR THE GIFT WAS THRIFT.
And no holiday season would be complete without an office party honoring the big boss:
GLASSES LET THE MASSES TOAST ASSES.
Perhaps the explanation could be as simple as it is gloomy outside, with little else to do:
MEETING AND GREETING CAUSED BY SLEETING.
But there actually was one historical figure, with a reason, who is responsible for it all:
KRINGLE STAYED SINGLE FOR THE JINGLE.
Tuesday, November 11. 2008
From a crackpot to a crockpot, Sarah Palin is equally at home in politics as she is in the kitchen. The really good moose chili recipes must be passed down from generation to generation, just like mother-daughter sex talks. You gotta hope it isn't an old family secret, because whispering when you've got moosebreath is a misdemeanor in Alaska. Neighbors better hide their Huskies next, although Palin's moose-dogs with cheese in a bun are to die for. Mush! Start with 1 moose, some offshore drilled cooking oil, and a really large iron skillet. Brown thoroughly until the head falls off. Set aside until later for pictures and final placement on the wall in the study - aka future presidential library. Then cook all night long (land of the Midnight Sun) in oversized ceramic cookware. You've never seen such a crock until you've watched Sarah talking about politics while cooking. For reporters covering Palin in her 8 interviews from Wasilla since the election, those eschewing her heavy red meat meals can go with the Alaskan fish casseroles she makes with salmon and other local catches. PETA won't like it, but vegetarians should sample the fare for the halibut.
Tuesday, November 4. 2008
Vote-For-The-Milf still belongs to the official John-McCain website 4 weeks after originally reported by GOVGAP and reported as "possibly inaccurate" when DUGG with thousands of not accurate votes. Election Day shows VOTEFORTHEMILF.COM [iwebtool.com] is 64.203.105.81 which is JOHNMCCAIN.COM [iwebtool.com] The previous redirects to McCain's site showed intent but proved little. Combined with the reverse address information dispels all doubt about coincidental virtual website servers as well. IP addresses don't lie. So today on First Tuesday 2008, going to JohnMcCain is a VoteForTheMilf
Wednesday, August 20. 2008
The Amethyst Initiative "Rethink the Drinking Age" has collected signatures of over a hundred University Presidents and Chancellors. They have take the debate of the alcohol drinking age laws over to Opposing Views but let's be real how the list of 100 signatures will be used by prospective teen students: High public tuition has really gotta cut into a student's drinking money fund - the average tuition cost is over 17 grand for out-of-state partiers at the twelve public schools who made the list. Even Ohio State University (home of High Street) is $21,918 per year and Vermont State Colleges (home of drunk skiers avoiding trees) hits $29,682 yearly. On the other end of the best 100 are the low cost private schools who signed Amethyst's 100+ list: The College of St. Joseph (CSJ.EDU) and Saint Leo University (SAINTLEO.EDU) are the two non-public institutions with the lowest tuition of under $18,000 a year. That'll make old Joe and Leo the new patron saints of jello shooters and body shots. The over-40 crowd ($40,200 and $49,210/yr tuition costs respectively) at Middlebury College and Kenyon College are probably the chablis drinking crowd anyway, which federal law already allows with your parents. The signatories from those places didn't exactly stick their necks out by signing the Amethyst petition. The names of college administrators to watch will be Louis Agnese and John Stamm. In addition to MADD opposing this education initiative, the latest additions to "The List" are from the University of the Incarnate Word and Trinity Lutheran College. When it comes to new wine in old wineskins, WWJD?
Wednesday, July 23. 2008
Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia and Maryland (business friendly areas) are going to make their states even more desirable by holding the line at the $234 weekly paycheck level. Indiana and Kentucky (kissing cousins) will both be blaming the July inflation reports on today's statewide Minimum Wage increases that push wage earner incomes into the $13,000 per year range. Louisiana, Oklahoma and Texas (oil and gas-rich states) will grudgingly go along and match the federal wages laws of $6.55 per hour going into effect this week. Montana, Utah and Idaho (keep going West young man) are the bosses' dream states with the bare minimal $28 a week raise as of July 24th -- like all the rest, according to the Labor Law Center. North Dakota, South Dakota and Wyoming (nice places to visit, but you know the rest) merely match the latest Federal hourly rate increases - thus staying one day ahead of Washington's wage laws. By enacting meaningless hourly pay legislation, all 15 of these not-so-desirable states ought to get a new State Motto: "Staying one step ahead of the law"
Tuesday, June 10. 2008
 It isn't even George Bush this time, but the 50 pound evil monkey triplets he beat in the primaries that he now carriers the water for: Speak no evil. Like Romney, McCain is not going to talk economic issues for "Average Americans" unless of course, it is about THEIR taxes. See no evil. Like Giuliani, McCain is a lifelong civil servant who badmouths "Big Government" although never noticing who wrote EVERY paycheck. Hear no evil. Like Huckabee, McCain is needing tremendous voter turnout of the "Religious Right" and will hear nothing of Supreme Court MODERATE nominees. If McBush wins in November, the graduating class of 2012 will have had portraits of Evil Chimps up on the school walls for their entire educational life. Darwin would be proud.
Tuesday, June 10. 2008
 The only ones debating Creationism or Intelligent Design would do better arguing if babies come from the cabbage patch or the stork.
Whether ones believes a "Mystical Garden" cabbage story or the never seen "Winged Creature" stork fable, is based where you live in the US. SPOILER Alert: Our beginnings are not rooted in past mystical gardens or unseen flying winged creatures, but in other human beings. Whichever version someone is taught for an entire childhood, by the highest authority in their lives, is only shaped by geographical location. Of course the known facts about both (besides being fallacies) is storks smell like crap, and the effect of cabbage is even worse. So next time you hear vigorous "intellectual academic discussion" of ID or Creation -- just remember 'Of Cabbages and Wings'.
Sunday, May 18. 2008
 By some estimates, many older Americans are afflicted by neck wattle problems that do NOT need to be treated by cosmetic surgery! This discovery is not the result of lengthy and complicated medical research, nor is it difficult to understand the solutions (just nuke em as God intended through natural means)
In fact, if you devote just 30 minutes of your time to sit through Hugh Downs' latest Sunday morning tv Medimericial, you see what it will take for McCain's candidacy to improve on a superficial level - what matters most in elections. And it is a product that all Americans can benefit from if they'll only pick up their phone in the next half hour. And that's not all: You also get an early look at 5 MDs hawking natural cures for the masses, who are prime candidates to be considered for the McCain cabinet's newly created post of Surgeon General of the United Red States.
Saturday, May 10. 2008
As a proud Texan living near Houston we can now happily drink our beer, read the magazine of our choice and watch whatever movie Hollywood puts out -- without a local store making that decision for us. This week I realized the local Right had lost their battle against alcohol, porn and free speech when the Randall's grocery store chain that wouldn't sell wine on Sundays had now replaced Muzak in Aisle 10 with "What if God was one of Us (just a Slob like one of Us)" The year was 1994 when the Houston company decided six days a week was ample time to purchase our Shiner beer and Miller Lite. Many Texans decided that 365 days was about right for avoiding that billion dollar retailer. The precedent for this hoopla started in 1986, when Southland Corporation pulled Playboy magazine off the shelves of its 7-11 stores to make a statement - a convenient cause once they realized the last of the Baby Boomers passed 21 years old that year, and that shelf sales peaked over a decade earlier for the magazines. And two years later, Blockbuster Videos made it easy for every real Texan to support their local video rental store when they refused to let their customers watch the Martin Scorcese film "The Last Temptation" - although they'll now let you RENT IT here. Back to 2008 where the effects of Texas' boycott worked: Randalls (who bought Safeway upon their initial exit from the state) is now owned by Safeway, 7-11 is owned by the Middle Eastern guys who work twenty hour shifts there, and Blockbuster is about to purchase Circuit City and soon be owned by banktuptcy pink sheet buyers for pennies on the dollar.
Friday, April 4. 2008
A new medical study by John Hopkin of Baltimore (I-83 underpass at 43rd) confirms nearly 2000 years of ad hoc research that RedWine can make you feel better. Mr. Hopkin performed 365 trials until double-blind, in an unsubsidized privately funded test. The main component of Redwine, CH3-CH2-OH or known more commonly on the street as C2H5OH, is the chemical formulation of ethyl alcohol. The exact mechanism of RedWine is unknown; government officials at the FDA are closely monitoring it day and night. Users of RedWine should avoid driving until they know how Redwine affects their central nervous system. Allergic reactions to Redwine have been reported in women who suddenly get hot flashes which are only treated by the total removal of all clothing. Redwine is contraindicated for older men with chronic liver disease - simple blood tests of 0.20 BAC can determine whether RedWine is working. Patients should avoid drinking alcohol with their Redwine, as this can increase the effect of your dosage. A typical dose is 5 oz for women, 16 ounces for men, and 0.75 liters for those patients who have developed a tolerance for RedWine. Common side effects include temporary blurred vision and slurred speech. Headaches have been reported the next morning. You can find Redwine at CVS and Walgreens -- the one stop pharmacies for all your healthcare needs -- between the ice cream freezer and their tobacco counter. Ask your prescriber whether RedWine may be right for you.
Tuesday, March 11. 2008
Say it isn't so, Little Buddy. The well has run dry for actress and now dope-fiend Dawn Wells from the Sixties hit show Gilligan's Island. Busted for possession of marijuana, she is now serving six months unsupervised probation for her pot problem. Initial alternatives in the punishment phase of her trial included SUPERVISED probation, or 4 hours a day of watching the Bob Denver reruns on TBS. Whatever happened to him? The reports state she was caught with pot in the car, but did not go so far to indicate whether it was the 1960s tv show car with pedals that was constructed mainly of hemp. Speculation runs that the cause of her problems occurred when the last line of the popular lyrics to this hit tv show were changed in 1966 between "the Professor and Mary Ann" and "a movie star, and the rest" where recognition for the show's unsung heroes was finally in the credits.
Sunday, March 9. 2008
This much we know from our exclusive translation of the Xinhua News Agency, reporting from Wei Fang in Shan Dong: A woman known only as "Wang" according to the local Qilu Evening News, got revenge by burning all the cell phone stock belonging to the estranged couple who had successfully worked together up until this week when the husband got her really mad. The inventory was valued at 300,000 Chinese yuan (translates to forty thousand U.S. dollars) for the nearly 400 Chinese mobile phones (translates to thirty dozen Wal-Mart cellphones and ten lost American jobs) According to trusted source Google, there are 68,400,000 Wangs out there (translates to a major butt load). It took almost four bloggers at Kick! (translates to entire Texas office staff) nearly most of the morning to search for this extra news at great length about worldwide Wangs. To find out new updates on the wife's full identity and jail sentence for arson, we have stolen material from George Carlin to speed up the search process. The noted social commentary expert previously observed that Maria is the number one first name in the world, while the top surname everywhere is Wang. Armed with this discovery, the Junior Editors for RackJite hope to soon have the complete scoop and poop for Wang vs. Wang - even if it means checking out every Maria Wang on the planet.
Sunday, February 24. 2008
Nader's car is certainly not a Corvair, or a big gas guzzler like the 14 mpg FlexFuel 2007 Tahoe vehicle that candidate Mike Huckabee drives. This is according to a poll of candidates posed in next month's issue of Motor Trend magazine. "What kind of car does the candidate drive?" wasn't even the question posed to the staff member for Rudy Giuliani, whose answer was 'doesn't believe he does.' Not exactly your average Joe, Giuliani probably wouldn't even own a car unless for investment purposes. Although he certainly isn't a public transportation kind of guy either, it is hard to imagine Hizzoner the Mayor behind the wheel of anything not driven by a personal chauffeur. Barack Obama drives a car from U.S. automaker Chrysler, although the aide couldn't say whether Obama's Chrysler 300 was one of those sweet 300C hemi models or not. The Ford Escape Hybrid twice made the list of cars driven by the presidential hopefuls. Christopher Dodd and John Edwards both have a lot more time now to go for an eco-friendlier ride. Fred Thompson rounded out the questionaire with his Volvo SUV, John McCain's ride is the 15mpg Cadillac CTS, while the car that Ron Paul drives gets just as far on a gallon of gas with his big Texas Lincoln Town car. Can you guess the name of the candidate who drives a 1960's era Rambler if we remind you that former presidential hopeful George Romney was the 1962 Chairman of American Motors? If you answered 'self made businessman Mitt Romney' you got the name correct but your answer is, of course, only half right.
Thursday, February 21. 2008
Last week saw just one high-definition DVD released to both HD-DVD formats: a low budget movie about a small town coming together to make a porn flick. With Joe Pantoliano as the village idiot and Ted Danson as town homo, "The Amatuers" was the only film to come-out on both Blu-ray disk and Hi-Def format. According to EngadgetHD's weekly headcount, Sony BluRay increased their lead in releases of HD discs to 444 versus 386 movies. The week saw two Blu-ray DVD releases from Topics and Buena Vista, and one each from Sony and Warner. The names of the blue-ray titles are unimportant when compared to HD's lone offering. Toshiba's fifteen gigabytes of fame (thank you, Andy Warhol) came to an end with the high definition release of "Girls Gone Wild: Baby Bash - Live and Uncensored!" So what if there's no longer a choice in HD formats -- if you're stuck with an obsolete player, you can still choose this week between a new porno title and GGW.
Saturday, February 16. 2008
Calvin Wayne Inman, a Pasadena Texas youth minister at an 800 member Pentacostal Church, surrendered to police for the fatal stabbing of a convenience store clerk fourteen years ago. Today's Houston Chronicle reported that the admitted killer confessed to pulling a large kitchen knife out of his pants to rob and murder 64 year old package store owner Iqbal Ahmed for a little cash and some smokes. With three high profile gun cases in the city already this year, the Pasadena knifing from the early '90s can serve to remind us of more simpler times when Texans with middle names of Ray or Earl or Wayne didn't immediately resort to gun violence. Because his accomplice was 13 years old at the time, Pasadena police spokesperson Vance Mitchell said they cannot prosecute his partner using current Texas law, but must adhere to 1994 juvenile laws. This sticking to the letter of the law will no doubt infuriate Republican residential candidate Ron Paul over in the next county, who holds well-known opinions on treating teenagers just like adults. So next time the subject of guns comes up, just remember Ahmed asking a teenager for proper ID at the Mutmaz Grocery in Pasadena TX -- guns don't kill people, cigarettes do.
Wednesday, February 13. 2008
Little Texans often learn to read by sounding out the funny bumper sticker on the SUV ahead of them, while sitting on his momma's lap in the front seat: Real COWBOYS from TEXAS drink BUD (your standard advertisement) A noun can be a person, place, or thing. COLD beer FAST women HOT cars (express your magnetic personality) An adjective describes nouns. WE know HE was HIM (demonstrate your Christian beliefs to everyone) A pronoun is used in place of nouns. SHOOT dogs BARKING or POOPING (assert Second Amendment rights) A verb involves actionable events. ROUTINELY shoot LOUDLY barking HAPPILY (promote local poltics) An adverb describes verbs. KNOW Jesus NO piece (tell the world of a commitment to abstinence) A participle is not a preposition.
Monday, February 4. 2008
MCCAIN: Always ask your prescriber whether the long-term risks are outweighed by any benefits. (In completely blind studies, long term effects of this plan have not been evaluated or considered) OBAMA: Side effects typically include light-headedness, temporary dizziness and mild euphoria. (In the top 2 for this category of relief. Get all the facts before starting any longterm regimen) HUCKABEE: A homeopathic remedy to feel better, only treats symptoms like an herbal tonic. (The placebo effect is reportedly strong in 15% of those persons who fully adopt the routine) CLINTON: 17 year waiting period has recently ended, so the generic version is on the way. (Much studied, although not always well-tolerated by those who have never had the full dose) ROMNEY: Experimental new treatment recently approved and available mostly for the wealthy. (Always read labels to know what you're getting. Contraindicated in women who may become pregnant) LIMBAUGH: Take as directed. Daily. Repeat. Again and again. Always follow directions as dispensed. (Apparently habit forming, through unknown mechanisms, although the dependence is totally mental)
Saturday, January 26. 2008
It isn't because of Barrack's true grassroot organization, or real world polls where the Democrat always scores far beyond the consistently mid-single-digit support of the Congressman from Texas. This time its personal; and there are quite rational reasons why Ron Paul is running scared: "We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers." Houston Chronicle 23 May 1996 Page 33 In documented writings straight out of Ron Paul's 1992 political newsletter: Under "Terrorist Update" -- how fast black males can run after they rob you.
RE: Rational Thinking -- only 1 in 20 blacks holds sensible political opinions.
On Washington DC -- 19 of 20 black males are semi-criminal or entirely so. Exact quotes covered previously at RACKJITE.COM but now include a link to source
Friday, January 25. 2008
Foreclosures are no laughing matter for people who end up homeless. Increasing numbers of pets are ending up on the street as well - if they are lucky. Too many owners are leaving the family dog or cat in the house before it gets locked up for weeks or months. Even Business Week has covered the story of FORECLOSURECATS.ORG and their attempt to help protect the pet population. The second round of bidding on Ebay begins tomorrow, Jan. 26th for some crazy-ass art that benefits a worthy cause. Get a sneak peek over at CAFEPRESS today by viewing a picture of a wacky foreclosure cat! And in the process, help prevent thousands of unnecessary deaths in some of the ugliest messes coming out from the subprime real estate loan mess.
Monday, January 21. 2008
More HuckChuck facts: In a few weeks when he celebrates another birthday, Chuck Norris will be 3 years younger than John McCain - who he thinks appears to be "too old" for the job of next president of the United States. Norris, who turns 70 next year, was not available for immediate kickin' comment.
Monday, January 21. 2008
They pay their last respects to Sir Edmund Hillary, the conquerer of Mount Everest: "Hillary, 88, who died after a heart attack on January 11, will lie in state for 24 hours to allow the public to farewell New Zealand's greatest hero -- a former beekeeper who became one of the 20th Century's most admired adventurer's and humanitarians.
Fifty years from now, people will still remember his achievements, although the terms bees and beekeepers will probably be meaningless according to most present-day environmentalists.
Saturday, January 19. 2008
An 80 pound Jesus statue is missing from Jean Mansel's front yard, due to doggy doodoo. The news services entirely missed this big story out of Michigan this week - one that affects nearly three out of every five homeowners. CNN has now picked up the dog poop story from WZZM Channel 13 “We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners and trust us we see you take your wieners for long walks w/out picking up their poopie in our yards. This has upset us dearly so please clean up all the weiner poopie, if you want to see Jesus unharmed. Sincerely, Lindy Lane Residents.”
The dog owner admits a complaint last year against her four wiener dogs poop. However since then, Mansel says she always carries a plastic bag and picks up everything. Now she just wants her eighty pound Jesus statue returned, and will not press charges if He is not harmed.
Friday, January 11. 2008
 Kelly Siegler, Houston district attorney Republican hopeful, defended striking a black man from a jury pool in a murder case - NOT because of his race, but rather, due to his NAACP membership.
When that specious argument about being part of a group that opposes the death penalty didn't quite cut it, the truth came out according to the court transcript discussion with a judge:
"To start with, he's a member of Lakewood Church. And we have had a running agreement .... that people who go to Lakewood are screwballs and nuts... I'm very familiar with that church. We try our hardest not to put anybody who goes to Lakewood regularly on any jury." The DA candidate Siegler continued.
Coverage today on Houston's CBS affiliate, Fox reporter blog and mainstream local newspaper are here here and here.
Thursday, December 27. 2007
Politics made easy - no need for a WIKI entry at Wikipedia: Boutros-Ghali is Egyptian. Benazir Bhutto was Pakastani.
Boutros was UN Secretary General in 1992 through 1996.
Butto was Pakistan's Prime Minister from 1993 to 1996.
Boutro Butros Ghali is still alive. PM Bhutto is dead. SOURCE: International common-knowledge
Saturday, December 15. 2007
XMAS as God intended: A message delivered in more than just one chosen language and for more than a single group of people. Lyrics and video to soon become illegal to say in the United States, or merely if performed by Jose Feliciano rather than the Celine Dion version? Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad. Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad. I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart. I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart. (Lyrics copyright 1970, Jose Feliciano.) http://www.youtube.com/v/tWa_W_jTqLs
|
Join Recent Comments