"As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know." - Donald Rumsfeld
When asked by Senator John Warner (R-Va) if the US is safer because of its presence in Iraq, General David Petraeus answered “I don’t know.” The following day, he recanted that testimony and said we were. President George W. Bush is expected to say we can begin reducing troops in Iraq because he now knows the surge is working. Six months ago he said that we need the surge because he knew present troop levels weren’t getting the job done. So he knew what was best then; but now he knows better. At least so far as we know.
So it appears the spirit of Donald Rumsfeld still permeates the Pentagon and the White House. And polls show President Bush is enjoying his own “surge” of in popularity. Some analysts are calling it a “sympathy surge” since the president has been taking some lumps lately.
Is anyone else confused about General David Petraeus’ Monday report ?He brought lots of graphs and statistics, which TV guys love.They didn’t illustrate much to me, though, and the graphs could have been of the stock market or Dick Cheney’s blood pressure, for all I know.
I wonder what they would look like if he included people that were shot in the front of the head. He said those weren’t counted because wounds like that don’t occur in ethno-sectarian violence.And, I guess ethno-sectarian violence isn’t Civil War. I wonder if the people in Lebanon heard that one.
He did say that the different factions all want to fight against El Queda. So, if they are all doing that, why do we need to be there?
And Brit Hume said that El Queda was there when we got there, and is still there.So who have we been fighting?
And exactly what is our mission?And how close are we to accomplishing that mission?Oh, excuse me, we did that in 2003.
I guess I’m not confused after all. Just disappointed.
It looks like Osama Bin Laden has signed up with sports greats Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier. The perennial 9/11 El Qaeda news release shows Bin Laden has taken to darkening his hair and beard.
Could El Qaeda be desperate for funding? Or maybe Osama just feels the need to attract girls. Living in a cave outside of Islamabad can’t be that sexually fulfilling. And it really doesn’t matter how many wives you have if none of them will go camping with you.
Combe Incorporated, the manufacturers of Just for Men hair coloring won’t cop to signing Bin Laden as the latest star of the products most recent batch of testimonial ads for the male hair coloring. Advertising experts speculate that the use of sports figures and quasi-celebrities famous for their prowess with the ladies could not hold a candle to having a guy with 20-30 wives and always armed extol the virtues of Just for Men.
Madison Avenue execs are chuckling about the irony of an enemy of the American people has succumbed to the same pressures as aging American men. Some are even expecting Bin Laden to come out with his own line of male grooming products.
"Quite a coup for a man that hasn’t shaved in 15 years, and rarely even gets a trim from the barber" pointed out Basil Chinstone, CEO of CB & D Advertising Specialists, one of Madison Avenue’s most formidable marketing teams.
Amid rumors that President Bush "really likes that kind of talk" the Bush White House announced Sunday a new phase of the so-called “Iraq Surge” operation. The White House appears to believe the new measures will increase the likelihood of possible victory in its endeavors in that war-torn country.Newly ordained Press Secretary Dana Perino informed a skeleton White House Press corps over the Labor Day weekend the administration is preparing to reveal a new set of artificial benchmarks, macho catch phrases, and tough-sounding codenames to its operations in an attempt to redeem what little credibility they have left regarding the Bush administration’s endeavors to salvage the situation in the Middle East.
Ms. Perino pointed out that code names in the past such as Calypso Wind, Optic Windmill, Platypus Moon, and the delightful Zodiac Beauchamp are now passé. “We’re going with ideas that have some balls,” Ms. Perino said without as much as a blush. She also hinted they would now be along the lines of “Diamond Cutter" and "Buck Hard-on.” Ms. Perino denied that these codenames are an attempt to squelche any accusations that the administration is losing its potency.
Ms. Perino also chuckled when it was pointed out that VP Dick Cheney was refused Cialis by his physician because “If there is any heart left in there it could kill him.”
In a follow up, the White House also announced they are adjusting their benchmarks to show greater success. “It used to be we didn’t announce any deaths if they occur post-injury in a hospital stateside or en route,” Ms. Perino declared, “from now on we will only count deaths if they are from explosions bigger than roadside bombs.” When pressed for a reason, she would only states “The insurgents have very little artillery.”
Ms. Perino also announced that all pentagon press conferences from now on will be conducted much like the way players are introduced at NBA games. with flashing lights, pyrotechnics, and a heavy reverb on the PA system. “With that, and names like ‘Operation Superbad Muthafukka,’ I don’t see how we can fail."
I just read about a guy who paid $2.6 million for a house full of shit! In New Jersey! The place was auctioned off because the people that lived there couldn’t keep up mortgage, and the bank foreclosed.
Times are getting tougher. Used to be you could get a decent house full of shit for thirty, forty thousand dollars. Of course that was back when my Dad was paying the bills.
The guy that bought the house said he thought it was inhabitable, that he knew people had been living there, because he saw them coming and going.
But, it turned out the people collected abandoned animals. When the guy went in to inspect the place, he found the rooms filled with dog and cat feces, and the 3-car garage floor covered with dead cats and dogs and animal feces.
They say the owners fell on hard times. So Mr. Opportunist put in a bid and got the place. Capitalizing on other’s misfortune, it’s the American way. But sometimes you get a fistful of shit, to boot. I think there is a card game called shit on your neighbor. This guy lost.
Call me naive. Call me sheltered. Call me confused. I suppose it was to be expected. I mean, it came from the most ironic of sources.
I only recently learned Bill O’Reilly is peddling “No Bloviating” T-shirts. That’s like Michael Vick wearing an “I LUV my pit bull” T-shirt.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines bloviate as: to speak or write verbosely and windily. That, along with solipsistic and specious, pretty much define Bill’s entire on-air persona. And possibly his all-round persona.
He must be chuckling to himself believing we actually think he is NOT a windbag, and he won’t allow any windbagging on his program.
There is an opening at the White House for a duplicitous evil genius. I think that would be the ultimate irony and bring the report on Bill O’Reilly full circle in the irony department. Bill having a job with “genius” in the description and a new Bush nickname of "Shitweed."
Marsborough, AL -- Darvin Lundquist, local electrician and town council member, recently sold the floor of his garage for $20,000.
Lundquist, 40, of Marsborough, said he noticed an odd shaped oil stain on his garage floor last week, when he was leaving to go to a volunteer fire department practice burn of a Wiccan church.
“It was the darndest thing,” said Lundquist. “There was a stain on the floor that looked exactly like God looking over President Bush’s shoulder. I could tell it was God, because he was talking to the President. I immediately took some Polaroids to show the guys at the department.”
Lundquist then placed the floor up for auction on e-bay. Friends helped him get the item ready for the auction. It was a son-of-a-gun to get it out of the ground and onto the truck, but with the help of my neighbors and some of the other volunteer firemen we did it!”
The removal of the concrete slab and truck rental ran approximately $30,000, which Lundquist had to pay. His neighbors did not donate anything toward the expense.
“It’s OK with me,” said Lundquist, “I’m just happy that lots of people will get to see it now.” The slab was purchased by the congregation of a local Pentecostal church.
Lundquist said he plans on recouping his expense money by playing the “big” dollar slots at the nearby Choctaw Casino.
Now that the National Weather Service has announced “full on hurricane season,” White House sources say President George W. Bush is “like a kid in a candy store.”
Bush is reported to consider the storm season the equivalent of building sand castles on the beach and then letting the waves wash them away. Sources also say it affords the President an opportunity to become reclusive at his Texas ranch, far from the destruction of both property and lives, where he can “imagine’ that all the destruction is fictional and he doesn’t REALLY have to do anything.
“Besides,” one beltway insider said, “he’s all caught up in Jenna’s wedding plans. They say he’s planning a bachelor party like the ones back in the ‘Bama Air Guard.”
Others report a prayer breakfast is also planned after the bachelor party.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow confirmed that if Bush isn’t in Crawford, Texas, when a big hurricane hits, it’s likely he will be at Kennebunkport, boating and playing golf. Snow assured reporters that the President is never far from Air Force One, and would be able to “fly over the devastated area two or three days after the all clear is sounded; to show his concern and assess the damage.”
West Dumbass Texas - President George W. Bush announced Tuesday that he is planning a summer vacation trip to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
“I’m looking forward to getting’ down there, since Cindy Sheehan won’t be around,” said Bush.
Bush said he intends to relax, reprogram his I-Pod, fish for catfish on the property, and “mess around on my tractor.”
Bush has been going to his Texas ranch several times a year since assuming the presidency. He usually clears brush, a mainstay of presidential activity since Ronald Reagan made it popular in the 1980s.“Oh, yeah, I got to clear some brush, “said the smiling president. “I clear it there, so we won’t have to clear it here.” As for sagebrush and mesquite, Bush quipped, “Bring it on!”
The President also squelched rumors that recently resigned Karl Rove would be at the ranch, orchestrating a scenario where Bush drives up to the ranch house door in his brush-clearing clothes, his pickup truck filled with illegal aliens, leaps to the ground, and declares “Mission accomplished!”
“Nah, Karl and I talked about, but we thought it would detract from the grandeur of the occasion,’ said the President.
The White House Press corps expects a Vice Presidential press release soon, denying that VP Dick Cheney ever said invading Iraq would be a bad idea.
Tuesday’s You Tube posting of a video of the then Secretary of Defense warning at the American Enterprise Institute in 1994 of the consequences of a U.S. invasion of Iraq caused a stir in the media because of Cheney’s statements such as, “It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq,” and “But for the 146 Americans killed in action, and for their families -- it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the president, in terms of whether or not we went on to Baghdad, took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein, was how many additional dead Americans (during Operation Desert Storm) is Saddam worth?”
Today’s expected denial will be yet another in a great many denials, and subsequent denials put out by the Bush/Cheney team in the past 4 years. A cottage industry has cropped up, with blogsters and comedians combing the internet and other sources for contradictions by members of the administration. The results usually find their way to Comedy Central Cable network, where Jon Stewart or Steven Colbert use them in nightly satire.
Wags in the White House Press Room say they have a pool going as to when Bush, Cheney, or a cabinet secretary will begin denying the denials.
Dumbass, Texas - The Bush White House announced Monday that political advisor Karl Rove is planning to resign at the end of August. The official reason given was so Mr. Rove could spend more time with his family.
The unofficial reason, according to unnamed party sources, is rumored to be that Rove will be assigned the task of establishing an underground railroad system for Bushies to escape the country when they leave office in January 2009.
Sources say Rove has been studying the structure and methods of ODESSA, the infamous and hidden network of Nazis that was used to spirit accused Nazi war criminals out of Europe and into the Middle East and South America. Washington insiders have thought for some time that members of the Bush administration could be the subjects of the public’s wrath, should they leave office. Rove’s new network could provide an avenue to escape such fearful retribution.
Other Washington insiders have pointed out the Bushsters may not immediately need the underground escape system, since there are plans afoot to seize the US government and establishing a new system, using Juan Peron’s Argentina as a model.
President Bush’s office refused to comment on any of the speculation. When asked about ODESSA, the President remarked, “I used to listen to her all the time. You’re talking about the folk singer, right?”
All White County, Iowa - Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney claimed victory in Saturday’s Iowa Republican Straw poll, citing the deployment of his sons in strategic positions as the key to victory.
"I placed my crack shock troops in just the right places, tactically, and that turned the tide of battle,” said Romney, known affectionately to his troops as “The Old Man.”
Romney’s sons, who maintain the daunting “Five Brothers” blog as well as serve as the advance guard for Romney’s conventional army of electioneers, were championed by their father last week for their decisions not to serve in the US military. He pointed out: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."
In civilian life the five Romney sons work as real estate developers, ad execs, and sports marketers. They say the transition to the rigorous life in the campaign army of their father has been rugged, but add that they have “truly risen to the task. “ The sons recently traveled the length and breadth of Iowa in a Winnebago RV. Said middle son Josh, “anybody that has seen “Das Boot” can relate to how arduous that kind of duty can be. “ Josh pointed out that “after eating in only 2-star restaurants and trying to sleep on bumpy roads starts to affect you psychologically.”
The senior Romney, who did not serve during the Vietnam War, heaped praise on his sons as “having the kind of real fortitude and downright courage expected by the nation’s armed forces.” He also lauded his sons for having the guts to serve in the same kind of vicious actions seen by President Bush while he served in the Alabama Air National Guard.
South Beach - Pundit Ann Coulter announced Wednesday that she would be traveling to Africa or Asia to adopt a child. Ms. Coulter was not specific as to which Asian country she would choose in her search.
Coulter said in a prepared press release that since she is pretty much “biologically both mother and father,” she might as well see if she can get on the "parental bandwagon."
She indicated Egypt might be a good place to start, citing the country’s history of female castration. When asked if she might be emulating other celebrities such as Madonna and Angelina Jolie, who have also gone abroad to adopt children with the expressed reason as providing a better life for the child, Coulter responded, “Heavens no! I want to keep the child for spare parts. I’m not getting any younger! Besides, it was either this or get back into dog fighting!”
Coulter has been accused in the past, by other pundits, of being a hermaphrodite, among other things.
When asked why she did not just have a child with her South Beach Gay boyfriend, Matt Drudge she deferred the question to her press agent who answered, "The last thing Ann would want is to give birth to a child who would spend its life running from an angry crowd of torch and pitchfork wielding townfolk.
The recent reports of missing AK-47s, pistols, and body armor are inaccurate, said pentagon spokesperson Devin Raintree at a Department of Defense press briefing earlier today.
“All this talk of the department losing vital arms and body armor intended for Iraqi security forces, I think it’s time to set the record straight,” said Raintree.
The DOD went on to point out that it is much more likely that American-financed private security contractors probably sold the guns and armor to Iraqi insurgents. Raintree also pointed out that some of the weapons probably weren’t misappropriated in Iraq, but may have been diverted from Europe even before the US invaded Iraq in March 2003.
Halliburton, a major contractor in both the Iraq actions and in the earlier Bosnia-Herzegovina actions denied any illegal collusion with the US government, pointing out how Vice President Dick Cheney severed all ties with the contracting giant when he assumed office. Halliburton did not deny rumors alleging they are going to from their own country in what is now Wyoming after the Bush administration departs Washington. They also did not deny allegations that they would raise, and arm, their own army for that country, with the vital initial cadre coming from Iraqi security forces.
Crazyass, WI - A non-scientific poll of Republican members of Congress revealed that many members of the US House of Representatives and US Senate may be dangerously out of touch with their constituencies, it was revealed today.
The Coalition for Congressional Communication, a non-partisan think-tank in College Park, Maryland, asked 60 randomly chosen republican senators and representatives to give their initial impressions following CNN’s Monday night Democratic Presidential Candidate’s debate. Some of their responses would cause people to wonder if the congressmen spent any time outside the beltway.
“It’s remarkable that average US citizens don’t seem to care as much about gay marriage, communism, and our annual wage hike as they do crime, the economy, and the war in Iraq,” said one unidentified respondent to the survey. All respondents were guaranteed anonymity by the CCC.
Another elected official added, “Some of those in our districts actually seem to think we shouldn’t be so quick to be respond to the needs of corporate interests. They seem to expect us to live on our paychecks.”
“I assure you, if some of those people had to live in our world, and face the kind of harsh realities we do in out day-to-day lives, they’d be singing another tune,” chimed in yet another lawmaker.
The CCC plans to follow up the proposed similar debate among Democratic candidates later this summer.
"As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know." - Donald Rumsfeld
Call me naive. Call me sheltered. Call me confused. I suppose it was to be expected. I mean, it came from the most ironic of sources.
South Beach - Pundit Ann Coulter announced Wednesday that she would be traveling to Africa or Asia to adopt a child. Ms. Coulter was not specific as to which Asian country she would choose in her search.
