Entries by SeaWillie

All White County, Iowa - Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney claimed victory in Saturday’s Iowa Republican Straw poll, citing the deployment of his sons in strategic positions as the key to victory.
"I placed my crack shock troops in just the right places, tactically, and that turned the tide of battle,” said Romney, known affectionately to his troops as “The Old Man.”
Romney’s sons, who maintain the daunting “Five Brothers” blog as well as serve as the advance guard for Romney’s conventional army of electioneers, were championed by their father last week for their decisions not to serve in the US military. He pointed out: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."
In civilian life the five Romney sons work as real estate developers, ad execs, and sports marketers. They say the transition to the rigorous life in the campaign army of their father has been rugged, but add that they have “truly risen to the task. “ The sons recently traveled the length and breadth of Iowa in a Winnebago RV. Said middle son Josh, “anybody that has seen “Das Boot” can relate to how arduous that kind of duty can be. “ Josh pointed out that “after eating in only 2-star restaurants and trying to sleep on bumpy roads starts to affect you psychologically.”
The senior Romney, who did not serve during the Vietnam War, heaped praise on his sons as “having the kind of real fortitude and downright courage expected by the nation’s armed forces.” He also lauded his sons for having the guts to serve in the same kind of vicious actions seen by President Bush while he served in the Alabama Air National Guard.

Ann Coulter to adopt for spare body parts

South Beach - Pundit Ann Coulter announced Wednesday that she would be traveling to Africa or Asia to adopt a child. Ms. Coulter was not specific as to which Asian country she would choose in her search.

Coulter said in a prepared press release that since she is pretty much “biologically both mother and father,” she might as well see if she can get on the "parental bandwagon."
 
She indicated Egypt might be a good place to start, citing the country’s history of female castration. When asked if she might be emulating other celebrities such as Madonna and Angelina Jolie, who have also gone abroad to adopt children with the expressed reason as providing a better life for the child, Coulter responded, “Heavens no! I want to keep the child for spare parts. I’m not getting any younger! Besides, it was either this or get back into dog fighting!” 

Coulter has been accused in the past, by other pundits, of being a hermaphrodite, among other things.

When asked why she did not just have a child with her South Beach Gay boyfriend, Matt Drudge she deferred the question to her press agent who answered, "The last thing Ann would want is to give birth to a child who would spend its life running from an angry crowd of torch and pitchfork wielding townfolk.

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 10:29 4 Comments

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Monday, August 6. 2007

Body armor, guns not missing, says DOD

The recent reports of missing AK-47s, pistols, and body armor are inaccurate, said pentagon spokesperson Devin Raintree at a Department of Defense press briefing earlier today.
“All this talk of the department losing vital arms and body armor intended for Iraqi security forces, I think it’s time to set the record straight,” said Raintree.
The DOD went on to point out that it is much more likely that American-financed private security contractors probably sold the guns and armor to Iraqi insurgents. Raintree also pointed out that some of the weapons probably weren’t misappropriated in Iraq, but may have been diverted from Europe even before the US invaded Iraq in March 2003.
Halliburton, a major contractor in both the Iraq actions and in the earlier Bosnia-Herzegovina actions denied any illegal collusion with the US government, pointing out how Vice President Dick Cheney severed all ties with the contracting giant when he assumed office. Halliburton did not deny rumors alleging they are going to from their own country in what is now Wyoming after the Bush administration departs Washington. They also did not deny allegations that they would raise, and arm, their own army for that country, with the vital initial cadre coming from Iraqi security forces.

Posted by SeaWillie in Politics at 10:05 2 Comments

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Tuesday, July 24. 2007

"We Had No Idea," Say GOP Congressmen

Crazyass, WI - A non-scientific poll of Republican members of Congress revealed that many members of the US House of Representatives and US Senate may be dangerously out of touch with their constituencies, it was revealed today. 

The Coalition for Congressional Communication, a non-partisan think-tank in College Park, Maryland, asked 60 randomly chosen  republican senators and representatives to give their initial impressions following CNN’s Monday night Democratic Presidential Candidate’s debate. Some of their responses would cause people to wonder if the congressmen spent any time outside the beltway. 

“It’s remarkable that average US citizens don’t seem to care as much about gay marriage, communism, and our annual wage hike as they do crime, the economy, and the war in Iraq,” said one unidentified respondent to the survey. All respondents were guaranteed anonymity by the CCC. 

Another elected official added, “Some of those in our districts actually seem to think we shouldn’t be so quick to be respond to the needs of corporate interests. They seem to  expect us to live on our paychecks.”  

“I assure you, if some of those people had to live in our world, and face the kind of harsh realities we do in out day-to-day lives, they’d be singing another tune,” chimed in yet another lawmaker. 

The CCC plans to follow up the proposed similar debate among Democratic candidates later this summer. 

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 12:37 7 Comments

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Tuesday, July 10. 2007

Bush offers to trade Iraq for Chechnya

Dumbass, USA - It appears the Bush administration is adapting a new approach to the wars that have plagued the administration since its taking office in 2000. 

Presidential Spokesperson Tony Snow announced earlier today that the administration is now going to rely on the President’s experience as a professional baseball owner in dealing with the conduct of the Iraq war. 

Snow informed reporters in a crowded pressroom that they are expressing interest in offering to trade the United States’ Iraq war effort Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin for Russia’s involvement in the ongoing Chechnyan uprising. 

Snow remarked that the deal would be a “win-win” situation, since Russia could, at least in theory, conquer Iraq and establish a workable worldwide center for illegal nuclear weapons dealing. The US, in return, would get the opportunity to approach a new conflict with “fresh ideas and the kind of vigor found only in the opening stages of a good, smash-mouth local conflict.” 

Snow denied reports that the US would consider subsequent actions against North Korea or other nations “in the same league with Chechnya.” 

Snow also asked the reporters present to “not take too close a look” at President Bush’s record while owner of the Texas Rangers, and denied rumors that President Bush would divest himself of any financial connections with the present Iraqi situation. 

"The President is only concerned with what would be good for the game,” said Snow.

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 08:27 1 Comment

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Saturday, June 30. 2007

Dick Cheney Wednesday urged Americans to not buy gasoline

Washington, D.C. -- In an unprecedented action, Vice President Dick Cheney Wednesday urged Americans to not buy gasoline on Sunday, July 1st.
“We are looking for a show of solidarity among gasoline consumers throughout America, “Cheney declared at a $10,000 a plate Ken Lay Memorial Fund charity dinner.
The announcement is all the more surprising as Mr. Cheney has been accused by many of profiteering, insider deals, and influence peddling based on his stature as ex-president and CEO of Halliburton, the largest government contractor and a major supplier of energy related goods and services.
Experts speculate the announcement may be a smokescreen for an actual upsurge in gasoline purchasing.
Cheney went on to say, “What I want all Americans to do is go out and fill up their cars, lawn mowers, boats, ATVs, power lawn trimmers, airplanes, and any other toys that use internal combustion engines on June 30th, and then to be sure to top them off on July 2nd. "

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 07:00 2 Comments

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Thursday, June 28. 2007

Youth, authorty, and respect

A recent poll by the Progessive Institute for the Squalid, a liberal think tank located in Hortense, South Carolina announced its findings on youth attitudes Sunday last.
“There is a significant trend toward American youth developing a greater respect for both adults and authority,” declared D. Rawlings Lister, Co-chair of the committee to discover respect in youth.
On hand was Teddy Stemple, 15, one of the adolescents polled in the survey. Stemple pointed out that he has “ a deep and abiding respect for members of the Bush administration that consistently break the law and violate the constitution and get away with it.”
Stemple also listed ‘Major League Baseball players on steroids, NBA stars that take drugs and beat women, and the NFL players who get high and fight,” as not only adults worthy of respect, but also true positive role models.

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 05:06 1 Comment

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Wednesday, June 20. 2007

Prince, Sex, and Rock + Roll

Minneapolis -- Rock star Prince announced a new tour Wednesday. The musician and his Purple Revue will simply act at playing instruments while indulged in actual sex on stage, according to agent Lennox Morsely. The Great Purple One decided it’s time to just do it after years of fan mail telling him his stage show was 'just too nuanced.'
“I guess the American public just wants that sort of stuff from me,” Prince announced in a formal written statement read at the press conference called by his record label last Wednesday. The press release bore the incomprehensible sign that once served as Princes actual name.
Morsely announced the star could not be there in person because he is “just too shy to be there in person.”

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 07:28 1 Comment

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Tuesday, June 12. 2007

Gay Bomb

Washington – The latest revelations on the USS government’s attempts to build a “Gay bomb” that would turn the enemy into homosexuals have surfaced, indicating that an entire battalion of Marines may have been exposed to a prototype of the weapon.

The Marine Corps Inspector General, Horace D. Himmel, stated in a brief news conference today that several members of the battalion were singled out for special treatment when they began installing elaborate window treatments in their billets. Other reportedly began cutting other marines hair in styles that were described as “decidedly un-leatherneck.”

General Himmel said that the corps might have been able to weather several minor flare-ups, but “When several members of Headquarters Company started their own  hair salon, called “Jarre Heads”, it became obvious that something had gone sorely awry.

One of the troops involved, PFC Landsdown Murphy of Indianola, Mississippi, exclaimed to Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper, that he felt the Marine Corps had really let him down. "Esprit De Corps, Semper Fi, Don’t ask, don’t tell, I guess they were just words without meaning,” said the obviously disappointed enlisted man. “They took my drapes out to the rifle range and used them for Maggie’s drawers! Now that hurts!”

The research on the secret weapon is rumored to have been halted.

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 23:36 2 Comments

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Tuesday, June 12. 2007

US Troops may have fired on El Quada

Reuters reported earlier today that elements of the 22^nd Brigade, 16^th Cavalry, opened fire on a group of individuals in a marketplace on the south side of the Iraqi capital. Early reports say as many as 30 individuals belonging to El Queda may have been killed.
Colonel Paul F. Byerlein, of Sequatchie, West Virginia reported that when US troops “accidentally” opened fire on the group, a series of secondary explosions occurred, no doubt caused by the improvised explosive devices hidden on their persons. Debris and detritus rained on the square for several moments after.
"We were just so darn angry,"  Byerlein said, "we just wanted to shoot something. We mistook them for friendly shoppers. “Lucky for us we had taken cover in a Mosque, said Byerlein, who added that “this is the first operation in this part of the city for us, and frankly, I initially thought we may have blown it.”
Unconfirmed reports estimate that several merchants may have tossed roses and other flowers at the feet of the American soldiers, while chanting, “Allah be praised.”

Posted by SeaWillie in Political Satire at 12:14 1 Comment

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