Saturday, August 18. 2007

The Good Ship Bush, Sinking

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for Bush, this week got worse, worster, worstest and even worsterest. Yeah, I know those aren't real words, but how do you describe the rapid decent of what is already widely acclaimed as the worst presidency in US history.

A short review of this week's events reminds us painfully of more Iraqi disasters including the ethnic cleansing of an obscure Kurdish sect involving some three to five hundred deaths and injuries, and that the much anticipated report from General Patreaus is actually going to be written by the White House. Oh gee, we're winning?

Then, even if you can afford a TV with rabbit ears, how could you miss the tragic coal mine disaster in Utah. Six miners trapped and hopefully still alive, until three more got killed in a rescue attempt at which time operations were suspended. This would have been a simple mine tragedy story fueled by a greedy mine owner, Bob Murray, until we found out that a 'heck of a guy' Richard Stickler, head of Mine Safety and Health Administration, wasn't exactly a stickler for safety regulations. Turns out he was a mining executive the dems refused to confirm because of objections from industry workers and officials who believed he was all about coal, and nothing to do with safety. Well, good old uniter not a divider Bush appointed him via a recess appointment. Nine more dead.

You'd think that would be enough, but there's more. Like rats leaving a sinking ship we heard of at least three republicans, including Hastert, retiring from office. Even Tony Snow is jumping ship because his $168,000. salary is not enough. And how many republicans were exposed as hypocritical perverts this week, three? You can't go into a park these days without a republican offering money to give you a blow job. They've been blowing the country for six plus years, why not a year and a half more?

It's time to say enough! I want you all to raise your right hand and repeat after me, "I refuse to receive one more blow job from a republican." Sure you'll lose a little pleasure, but you'll also be denying them what they do best.

Hey, it's the only reason we've kept them around all these years.

Posted by W. O. Coach in GOP ROT at 07:37 Comment (1)

Monday, August 13. 2007

G'bye Karl Rove

Washyerhands, DC - It should not come as any great surprise that Karl Rove is leaving the White House at the end of the month. The embattled Turd Blossom was becoming luggage well in excess of the allowed weight limits, and had to be sent packing back to Texas with his dirty rat tail tucked between his legs.

Unlike Gonzo, who as the US Attorney General, could be subpoenaed anytime by Congress, Karl could simply run out the clock under the guise of executive privilege, and what are the chances of the current Supreme Court ruling against this White House? Remember back to the late 90's when a slightly more moderate SC ruled 9-0 that it shouldn't be a burden for a sitting president to face a sexual harassment lawsuit? Well, we all know the outcome of that; Clinton left office with one of the highest approval ratings in history, most of the wing nut impeachers are history, and in a lovely twist of irony, Paula got a few bucks which she spent on a new nose, a nose she dare not show north of the Mason-Dixon.

But, back to Rove. There's little doubt in this old mind that Karl will still be involved in political decisions at the White House, albeit discreetly and from afar. The guy obviously loves the game. Furthermore, he's been called Bush's brain and a political genius for so long, that he undoubtedly relishes the notoriety. He wants to go down as the political mind of all time, and the fact it's been reported that he has five rooms in his home filled with books on history and politics only reinforces this.

Our media idiots will speculate that Rove left office now to take some of the heat off Bush, that he's removing himself as a target from dem investigations, that he's taking one for the team.

Bullshit!

That may be the way he sold this to Bush, but the rat is jumping ship just like all rats do. He can see the writing on the wall. He's not trying to protect Bush's legacy, he's trying to protect his own. The old Abraham Lincoln adage, "you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time," is in full play here. This republican party that appeals only to the religiously insane and greedy CEO's can't win on issues, but only with dirty tricks, election fraud, and a compliant, republican controlled media.

Rove is hoping that by getting out now, and that after Bush leaves office in January '09 as arguably the worst president ever, that people will forget how big a part he played in this eight year disaster.

Here's hoping he's wrong.

G'bye Karl, and I dare you to write a book, one that will be among the most scrutinized of all time.

Posted by W. O. Coach in Political News at 08:00 Comment (1)

Wednesday, August 8. 2007

Cheney Fires Bush

Washington, DC -- In a not too unexpected move, Snarl fired Smirk yesterday. The move was announced at Cheney's first ever press conference, where reporters were not allowed cameras or recorders, and had to sign an oath that they would not report the announcement for national security reasons. We only found out about this because one unnamed White House correspondent, who is right-handed, signed the oath with his left hand. We say this announcement was not unexpected, because most of us were aware that Cheney was becoming increasingly agitated with Bush's straying from White House talking points, like suggesting Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11.

Cheney, in a prepared statement said, "look, the guy's going on his regular vacation from August through December anyway, and have you any idea how many crayons he can go through in five months? We'll save dollars."

Agreeing to accept a few questions, he told one reporter that the reason the Vice-President could fire the President had already been exposed in the Washington Post article naming him as the real power in the White House. When pressed as to why Bush would accept this, Cheney asserted, "he's the one who said the Constitution is only a damn piece of paper, besides, I told him 70% of the population just wants him to go home and take the rest of his term off. I told him he'll still get paid and could go back to the ranch to drive his pickup around and cut stuff. No more reading reports, no more getting ridiculed for his public appearances. He seemed quite upbeat to be in his last throes."

Cheney was then asked if the public would accept this and without hesitation he quipped, "of course, they'll be sticking flowers up my nostrils. I have my finger on the pulse of the American public and know they want a strong leader, a King if you will, King Dick."

Asked what Bush's legacy would be he responded, "George was a good guy to go have a non-alcoholic beer with."

King Dick then excused himself from the press conference announcing he had more pressing matters to attend to, like the plans to invade Iran, North Korea, New York State and Canada.

Posted by W. O. Coach in Satire at 03:13 Comments (2)

Tuesday, August 7. 2007

George W Bush's Presidential Legacy

Oh My Gawd! No, that's not the start of a prayer, I don't do prayer. It's a scream for an explanation for just what the hell is going on in this White House.

You'd think that with the near tie election results in '00 and '04, despite the voting chicanery, that this White House would tread softly, would at least try and give the appearance of moderation, but no, they just keep coming at you with extreme rightwing crap the vast majority of people don't want. Hey, don't listen to me, just check the polls, and that's on any subject you want to cherry pick. I won't even begin a list (the evil Rack limits me to 500 words or less, and I just wasted 18 in this parenthesis), but this administration seems to go against the American grain on almost every issue of importance.

From stem cell research, to drug prices, Social Security, water quality, air pollution, government secrecy, tax cuts exclusively for the already rich, abuse of executive privilege, pardoning felons, blatant lies, cronyism over competence, and for starting the stupidest war for the dumbest reasons, this crew is easily the all-time worst to occupy the White House. Did I forget to mention bum fucking the constitution?

Okay, so I started a list, which of course doesn't even scratch the surface of the abuses, but I'm obviously pissed. Forgive me. Thank you.

The money question is, "why is Bush's political advisor, Karl Rove, considered a genius?" Bush couldn't get elected as dog catcher in his own house right now.

Bush and Snarl Cheney want to rest their laurels on history treating them kindly. Are they kidding? History will kick them both so hard in the nuts that they'll never stand up straight again. I hope they both live to be 100 years of age or beyond just so they’ll be alive to suffer the abuse and ridicule they'll surely receive for eternity.

Bush, Cheney, Rove et al thought they could use Orwellian tactics to control the message through the mainstream media, and to a large extent they’ve succeeded considering the fact they're still in office. What they didn't count on was the explosion of the blogosphere the past few years which has held the MSM's corporate-controlled feet to the fire.

As a progressive, who would you rather get your news from, the MSM, or Daily Kos, Eschaton, Buzzflash, Salon, Bartcop, or in a shameless plug, Rack Jite?

In the end it’ll be a legacy only a mother could love, but you’ll never read that in the MSM.

Posted by W. O. Coach in GOP ROT at 17:17 Comments (3)

Monday, August 6. 2007

Bush is a Peeping Tom

As everyone's heard by now, the invertebrate Dems passed Bush's peeping tom bill this weekend. As soon as he signs the bill into law, he will have the right to peek into your bedrooms, your bathrooms, and even smell your dirty underwear.

For some unexplained reason, the existing FISA law wasn't adequate enough, that being they could still peek into your bedrooms and bathrooms and smell your dirty socks, only under the caveat that they had to obtain a slam dunk warrant within 72 hours. In other words, Bush could pretty much wiretap anyone he wanted, as long as he applied for a warrant after the fact, a mere technicality since nearly all of warrants requested were approved after the FISA law was enacted in 1976.

Of course I'm jesting but only slightly. Bush coddled the Dems into believing he needed the ability to wiretap everything and anything without a warrant, something he's been doing illegally anyway until he got caught.

Logically none of this makes any sense. Like the terrorists are so stupid, Ahib is going to phone Muhammad and say, "brother terrorist, we're taking out the White House tomorrow, don't tell anyone." Call it the skeptic in me, but can anyone else imagine dirty political tricksters like Karl Rove using this warrantless spy program to advantage over their poltical opponents? No, of course not.

Oh, almost forgot, and in fairness to Bush, he did say that instead of the courts administering the program for abuses, he'd appoint the most credible person available, Alberto Gonzalez, to oversee the program.

Can the game get any more rigged?

Posted by W. O. Coach in Rule of Law at 00:22 Comments (2)

Monday, July 30. 2007

Roberto Gonzales Goes To Congress, Again

Washington, DC -- In what had to be his third or fourth appearance (who can keep track), before the Senate Judiciary Committee, to give testimony about the Attorney General firings scandal, little Alberto Gonzales once again lowered the bar on truthfulness. A bar that was already flat on the floor from his previous testimony. And this guy after all, is the chief law enforcement officer in the country, the United States Attorney General.

As we sat watching his performance on C-SPAN, our jaws agape from the abusurdity of his non answers, one in our group remarked, "this can't be real, its gotta be a skit from The Daily Show."

It was truly remarkable to watch this little man with the big smug look on his face completely stonewall the members of the Judiciary Committee with lies and obfuscations to the point where even republican members of the committee were shaking their heads in disbelief.

Perjury is a serious crime, as ol' Scooter Libby discovered, and our group was astounded that Gomey would so obviously expose himself to this charge, not to mention the ridicule that would surely follow. Why we wondered, would he allow himself to be used in a manner that could only be seen as an effort to protect the White House, regardless of the consequences to himself? This man will never be taken seriously again, with perhaps the exception of a few ideologues. Who could live with that?

Our best guess is that either he has been compromised in crimes far greater than have been speculated to date, or simply that he knows he just has to carry Bush's water for 18 more months and retire into obscurity with a big payoff. Either way it's clear he doesn't have to worry about impeachment or being charged with perjury, the LPS (Libby pardon solution), will take care of that.

Someone out there must have a more astute political read on this. Why would Gonzales subject himself to such political infamy for eternity? What are we missing?

Posted by W. O. Coach in GOP ROT at 16:39 Comments (3)

Monday, July 30. 2007

Bush, Faith, Bullshit

You have to admit, it's kinda fun to sit and watch the republican party pander to the religiously insane, by far the cornerstone of their base. It's estimated that 25% of Americans are very religious, attending church at least once a week, or about the same percentage of Americans that still give Bush a positive approval rating. Coincidence?

It's been reported that Bush felt his dad lost the '92 election to Clinton because poppy more or less blew off what he called the extra X chromosomers of the republican party. Regardless of your views, you have to admit 25% of the population is a pretty strong starting position in a national election. And play to this crowd Bush did; faith based initiative, gay marriage amendment, stem cell research veto, answering to a "higher father," and my all-time favorite, kicking his booze and coke habit through faith, whatever that means.

Bush rallied the nation to arms after 9/11 to fight the evil-doers who brought down the WTC towers killing almost three thousand innocents. He promised a crusade, which was not a particularly good choice of words considering the Muslims have been sensitive to it going back centuries when they fought King Richard and his crusaders. Now they face another King George. No, not the one America faced down in the War of Independence, but another George who's inventing presidential powers a king could only dream of having. In other words, centuries of hate between Muslims and Christians are now again at the forefront of crisis because it's so easy to interpret religious writings to your own ideological or theological bent.

For example, Christians who believe in the Bible verbatim, don't have a handy answer when asked who was the on the spot reporter who jotted down the conversation between Adam and Eve in Genesis. Nor do they have an explanation that there is no mention of dinosaurs. How can the good book miss something as big as the dinosaurs?

Muslims on the other hand, with the Koran in the very same hand, and even though it says no such thing, promise 72 black-eyed virgins to martyrs. Well, if I was a 16 year old teenage boy, with zero prospects, how much more convincing would I need to blow myself up?

What's particularly scary about this is that there are six billion people on this planet; 2.3 billion are Christians and 1.3 billion are Muslims. That's over three quarters of our population and they're all crazy. They're crazy because they believe things that nobody can prove. When someone says they've talked to God, or Jesus, or Allah, or Buddha, do you believe them? Has God or one of these other deities every talked to you? (Don't answer that). Or are you just a tiny bit suspicious that when these guys; Jerry Fallwell (RIP), Roberson, Dobson, Roberts tell you they've just gotten off the phone with God and He's instructed them to ask you for more money?

Religion, as the founding fathers foresaw, was not the solution but the problem. Many of them were either atheist or agnostic. And before we forget to mention it, the 4th largest religious category is, "non-believer." The point is, our founding fathers were actually quite clever in recognizing how dangerous religion could be, that there should be a separation between church and state. Bush and Rove have shamelessly usurped this constitutional separation for political advantage. To them it has always been about chasing that 25% of the electorate who are religiously insane, just to stay in power.

No one wants to make fun of anyone’s faith, whatever it happens to be, but let’s stop treading water and come up for some air here. Faith based is nothing more or nothing less than voo doo horseshit because not one person on this planet has a clue how life on Earth started. Anyone who tells you differently either has a financial vested interest, or they’ve been sucked into the vortex of religious insanity.

All of this is controversial, but it should really piss you off that Rove and Bush use religious fears for political advantage. How much more disgusting can it get?

Posted by W. O. Coach in GOP ROT at 04:00 Comments (2)

Wednesday, July 25. 2007

President Bush finally Gets it up the Ass

While I'm reluctant to give Bush credit for anything, the White House has to be commended for making public his recent colonoscopy. Oh sure, it's standard procedure for the White House to publicly disclose any medical procedures to the prez or veep, but it's also an important public service to bring preventative health care issues to the public's attention, if you're lucky enough that is to be able to afford health insurance.

When I sat down to pen this piece, it was everything I could do to avoid the obvious finger up his ass jokes, but being approximately Bush's age, (not the scary moment), and all too familiar with the "snap of the glove," moment during my yearly check up, felt it more important to just let this go for what it was, an important reminder that many ailments can be prevented or at least corrected if diagnosed early.

No, the scary moment came when it was announced that Snarl Cheney would be the de facto president for at least two hours, and that was if everything went well for Bush. Not that I'm going to miss Bush for a couple of hours, but Cheney in charge, officially, how much scarier can it get?

My Pentagon source, DeepAss, informed me that Snarl wasted no time in taking advantage of the situation and simultaneously declared war on Iran, North Korea and Canada. When told he needed the approval of Congress, my source informs me he said, and I quote, "well then we'll attack Congress first."

Fortunately, two hours is not a long period of time, and our Texas cowboy came out of sedation and the operation successfully to ride his favorite horse, a Raleigh ten speed, back to the White House. Order was restored and the attack on Canada was called off. Hey, those guys up there in Canuck land know how to throw beer bottles and swing hockey sticks.

At the time of publication, DeepAss wasn't able to confirm if the attacks on Iran, North Korea and Congress were still in play, but he did promise to get back to me. I told him not to bother, who needs any scarier moments?

Kick! First [8am cst) with last night's best of Colbert and Stewart

Posted by W. O. Coach in Satire at 09:11 Comments (10)

Thursday, July 19. 2007

Fun With Dick And George

Hey, you know Dick and George have just been playing with us these past six and a half years, right? I mean, what harm have they really done? Oh sure, some of you are going to bring up Iraq, but George always wanted to be a war time commander type guy, like his hero, another George W,(Washington), so we should cut him a wee break here. After all, he is the prez. And don't start on that stolen election BS, it's a proven fact of American democracy that it's not how many votes you get, but who counts 'em, until the Supreme Court says to stop counting them once their boy is ahead of course. Hey, all's fair in war and election theft.

And his domestic policies really have been 'mission accomplished'. The fat, white, rich guys have been laughing all the way to the bank while the rest of you mopes have been squeezing the shit out of your Visa cards just to make mortgage payments. Now if you can't see the humor in that, then you don't understand trickle-up economics. You do know trickle-down was just an unfortunate typo don't you?

C'mon, if you can't laugh at your own misery, what are you going to laugh at? Fat, white, rich guys need the extra dough. It's the only way they're ever going to get laid.

And Dick, is he the classic straight man or what? This is a guy who's gone what, sixty-six years without smiling once. Does he even have teeth? But he cuts me up every time and he only uses half of his mouth. Many people aren't aware but Dick has a warmer side. Recently he was invited on a hunt, where his host took out several dangerous quail. Instead of recommending him for an - everyone gets one - Purple Heart medal, Dick gave him a purple face.

Oh, and before I forget, remember early in George's presidency when he was basking in the mid-40's approval ratings, and the Chinese shot down one of our spy planes? George steadfastly refused to say he was sorry to get our plane and guys back. What a jokester. Then weeks later, when he had to add 3 "very's" to the sorry, did the Chinese return our property and men. The Chinese proved to be wily pranksters too, because they returned the plane as a shell. I heard they even stole the toilet.

If it wasn’t for all the fun with Dick and George, we might never have heard of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show.

Posted by W. O. Coach in Satire at 07:34 Comments (3)

Friday, July 6. 2007

Scooter Libby, World's Best Monopoly Player

So, without even a role of the dice, Libby got his get out of jail free card, passed go with a whopping five $million, only having to kick back 5% in a fine, and landed on Easy Street, a new square invoked by presidential executive order for this game only.

President Bust, with his keen eye for looking into people’s hearts, declared the game over with Libby the winner before any of the other players, mostly dumb, bleeding heart legal experts got a turn. As Bust II put it, “he’s got nearly five mil in cash and he’s squatting on Easy Street. Who’s gonna put more fish on their family? Game over.”

A weekend guest of the president, a guy by the name of Putin, whose heart had also been pierced by Bust’s steely gaze, offered no comment on Libby’s win. He claimed he was visiting for no other reason than to get insight and a lecture on human rights. “We have to lose our habit of torturing dissenters,” he claimed, “and what better place for enlightenment on this issue than the U.S.A.

But with his approval ratings well below freezing, Bust needed a boost and his decision to declare Scootie the winner in the Monopoly sweepstakes can only be seen as brilliant. Who else but the Decider could come up with such a dramatic turnaround? Scooter goes from scoundrel for outing a covert CIA agent to national hero with a flick of the presidential pen. Genius.

Apparently Bust II’s dad, Bust I, wasn’t too happy with the deal, because of a previous comment about outing CIA covert operatives being the lowest form of treason. But he seems to have come around and now acknowledges that it’s not his fault how far the apple falls from the tree. It’s the tree’s fault.

Posted by W. O. Coach in Satire at 19:39 Comments (2)

Sunday, July 1. 2007

Take My President, Please.

With apologies to Henny Youngman for his old "take my wife," joke, would somebody please make this appointed idiot president just go away. Like yesterday.

It numbs the mind that the man has lasted this long with only cursory criticism from the MSM. Remember, he had but a 45% approval rating on September 10, 2001 before all hell broke loose the next day. Americans, and the rest of the world, let this doofus cash in his trifecta. Prior to the World Trade Center attack, his tax cuts for the rich were predictably unpopular and even his No Child Left Behind centerpiece was beginning to crumble in the face of reality. Japanese fishing boat fiasco, Chinese spy plane embarrassment, Cheney's secret energy meeting, it was all adding up.

I ask my republican friends, of whom I have many, name one good thing this moron has accomplished, to no substantive response as yet. And I do use the word 'moron,' which infuriates them and makes them try even harder to squeeze out a single accomplishment.

Prior to September 11, 2001, Americans, and the rest of the world were realizing this Supreme Court appointed lightweight was in well over his head. By reversing almost everything Clinton accomplished, you know, terrible policies like nuclear proliferation treaties, actually all treaties that protected citizens around the world such as clean air, clean water, and even reversing arsenic levels, we knew this guy was no friend to anyone except big business donors and the religiously insane.

Those, and the emerging story that was to be Iraq starting a year and a half later, were for certain significant. But the real swing event in my mind was Katrina. You couldn't possibly dream of a bigger fuck up. The Bush team had five days notice before the storm hit, and it took him days later to break away from his Crawford vacation to even do a fly-over. And here it is nearly two years later with still little reconstruction in New Orleans, the largest port in the U.S. Am I missing something about presidential responsibilities and priorities here?

But do you want to know what's even scarier? The American voter woke up last November 7, overcame electronic voting machine skullduggery, republican dirty tricks, and still handed Bush his political ass. His response; let's play nice politically and send even more kids over to Iraq to get killed. He still thinks we're that stupid. This fool has just been told overwhelmingly that the American public wants us out of Iraq. He somehow thinks we can't see him pulling levers from behind the curtain. How disgusting is it that he's trying to save political face by sending even more kids to the slaughter, not to mention tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis.

I suspect we hung the wrong butcher of Baghdad. Take my president. Please!

Thanks Henny.

Posted by W. O. Coach in GOP ROT at 08:13

Wednesday, June 13. 2007

George Bush and the Sparrow

birdshit As we are all painfully aware, our Prez is most fond of reminding us of his special relationship with Gawd before making important life and death decisions involving millions of lesser connected mortals.

Why just the other day, there he was in the Rose Garden mumbling some inane nonsense about Al Qaeda following us over here if we don't engage them in Iraq. I missed the part about how Al Qaeda actually gets here, but have to presume Bush knows more about their navy and air force than little ol' me.

But before he got to explaining this, a disrespectful sparrow flew overhead and shit on the sleeve of his suit jacket. Ever alert, he rubbed the offending excrement into his sleeve, compounding the problem. Admittedly, I lost a snootful of java upon seeing this on YouTube, but then, I'm easily amused.

Okay, since this incidence I've heard all the unpatriotic talk about replacing the eagle with the sparrow as our national bird, but let me assure you, I have a lot of connections in the sparrow world and they're not taking the bait. As they explain it, being a birdbrain doesn't mean you lack a brain.

As this story develops, sparrows are distancing themselves from the offending act and claiming it was a rogue sparrow acting on his own. They further claim it was one sparrow, suffering from a little diarrhea, who lost control in the wrong place at the wrong time. And they add, who could be that accurate from a couple of hundred feet up in the air, particularly when you're aiming out your ass? Hindsight?

When you think about this, the sparrows have a point. The Bush administration has been shooting out its ass for six plus years missing every target they've aimed at whether Iraq, Katrina or simply upholding the rule of law.

There's a moral here somewhere, I'm just having difficulty putting my finger on it. Don't aim out your ass, it'll backfire. Or, getting it up the ass is the opposite of being shit on. Or maybe there's no moral and it's simply a case of one little sparrow having the courage to do what the rest of us have been thinking for six plus too long years; have a crap on Bush.

We'll never know because the sparrows aren't talking. But they did let me in on one insight, more eagles are attending their shit on the fly courses than ever before. In fact, as one proud American eagle recently confided, "one Bush under ass is worth two in the bush."