By Henri Broussard, Associated Press Writer, November 14, 2028
An anonymous source at Fox News has stated that Bill O’Reilly’s untimely death could be considered fair and balanced. Earlier this evening, the host of the long-running O’Reilly Factor, who was well-known for railing at his guests, apparently bit off more than he could chew.
O’Reilly, whose trademarks were repeatedly pointing his finger in the faces of any guests who displeased him, calling them idiots and cutting their microphones, antagonized the wrong liberal earlier this evening. Seventeen minutes into the hour-long show, Sgt. Dale Johnston, an Army veteran advocating an end to the war in Iraq, allegedly bit off O’Reilly’s finger. Sources say there was some confusion at to who actually called 9-1-1.
Karen Lindy, the host’s personal assistant, shrugged and commented, "I thought the producer made the call." By the time the ambulance arrived, O’Reilly had bled to death, but not before repeatedly screaming, "I’ll still get you, Keith Olbermann!"
While being led away in handcuffs, Sgt. Johnston is reported to have said, "Tastes like chicken" immediately after he spit O’Reilly’s bloody finger at a poster of Rupert Murdoch. Johnston’s attorney, J. Chadwick Bloes who first heard of the sergeant while watching the show on which the alleged incident took place, hastily held a press conference outside the Fox News building. He is quoted as saying, "My client is suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome following fifteen tours of duty in Iraq. We’ll be suing the O’Reilly estate, the Rupert Murdoch estate, and Fox News for two billion dollars. The deceased provoked my client in front of the show’s remaining thousand or so viewers. I will be deposing all of these witnesses immediately." When asked about the urgency, Bloes replied, "Most of O’Reilly’s viewers are now well into their nineties. Who knows how many will live to testify?"
Fox News has issued a statement requesting donations be sent to O’Reilly’s favorite online charity, FIFOP (France Is Full Of Pussies). In an unrelated story, the website, which promotes the boycott of all French products, has been investigated as a front for O’Reilly himself. To date no indictments have been handed down to the mysterious webmaster, William O. Really.
O’Reilly’s replacement has already been named by Fox News. Up-and-coming right-wing pundit and former prom star, Khandi Dhandi will get the Factor time slot with a new show called The Mammary Factor. A spokesperson from Fox is quoted as saying, "While we regret the loss of Bill, we’re hopeful the new Factor will help our sagging ratings in this time slot."