Political Satire

Finally! Stephen explains the downfall of Mark Sanford, Bob Livingston, Larry Craig, and ol' Newtie Gingrich. Hint: It started with the rightous and moral speaking out against that naughty boy Bill Clinton! Digg | Reddit | Stumble | Buzz it! | Email Article |

This weeks' Tea Parties reminded of writing this piece on Republican Tea Parties 15 years ago. Still topical as the war on drugs proceeds, Newt Gingrich is running for President, Dick Armey (who at the time called Barney Frank a FAG) is the main sponsor of Today's Tea Parties, and Tom DeLay is still disgusting...

Of Barneyfags and Bitches

" It's the most serious thing that can possibly happen to one in a battle, to get one' s head cut off." Lewis Carroll 

Alice soon happened upon a very long table in the woods occupied by three very strange characters. A droopy faced Dormouse snoozed in a chair much larger than he seemed to belong in, while the oblivious leader, a cherub faced gray haired individual with a large top hat, madly ran up and down the long table kicking off whatever old things he found in his way while a March Hare followed behind replacing the empty spaces with what they decided were newer and much better things.

" Out with the old!" Cried the Hatter kicking away.

" In with the new!" Shouted the March Hare dropping newer and better objects in the empty areas.

" Hello." Interrupted Alice, " May I sit down?"

" No room. No room. Can' t you see we are busy making things new! We are the government and too busy for you."

" There is more than enough room. All I see is you breaking things while that strange rabbit runs behind you dropping old lumps of coal everywhere you' ve been. I' m sitting down anyway thank you kindly." Alice said placing herself in a chair next to the snoring Dormouse who after its snottering inhale, released a descending " barneyfag..."

" What is a barneyfag?" Alice inquired of the Hatter, who now with hammer in hand was smashing flower filled vases in the center of the table.
" He sits in a chair too big for his britches, talking of barneyfags while I speak of bitches. It' s really quite simple and just what it seems, he means what he says and says what he means."

" I can' t really make much sense of that, but if it' s suppose to be a poem, its poorly done. Could I bother you for a small cup of tea please?"

" Tea? Poems? Tea and poems are for those who spend their time thinking and reading, an awful waste of time when they could be hammering and beating" , rhymed the Hatter who was now at the end of the table jumping up and down on some old documents in a glass case. Soon he moved back toward Alice and the Dormouse, pausing while the March Hare moved a large stack of framed paintings from a chair up on the table. Alternately, they then picked up paintings and smashed them down over each other' s head, soon waddling about with their bodies caged in rectangular frames.

" What are you doing to all those lovely pictures?" Alice asked.

" What we are doing is not looking at them but using them. We drink no tea, we read no poetry and we would rather look down on you than up at pictures. Have you not noticed how big we are up here on the table and how very small you are down there in the chair." The Dormouse woke, looked up, and hoisting his chair up on the table looked down on Alice dozing off once again, " barneyfag..." .

After the table had been cleared of all the bad old things and replaced with the newer and better things the Hatter trampled over the broken leftovers to where Alice sat to declare, " Our ungovernment won and the party' s begun!"

" Oh, I like parties," Alice said, " What is the party for?"

" You are not invited so it shouldn' t matter to you. This is a party you are not welcome to. You are neither a Dormouse, nor a Hare nor a Hatter, nor anyone else with enough value to matter."

" I am a little girl," Alice replied, " I can' t see why I can' t be included in the party."
" You may indeed be a little girl, but traveling about without your parents is abnormal. We cater our party only to the normal such as we." The Mad Hatter stated stretching his mouth wide with his fingers, then extending his tongue and releasing a high-pitched " OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE" and wetting his pants.
" I have some money for tea." Alice told him reaching into her pocket and dropping a handful of coins on the table.

" She has money! Well that changes everything. Welcome to our party. Have some tea!" The clinking of coins and offer of tea woke the fat little Dormouse while the March Hare reached under the table piling large birthday cakes upon it." Then the party normal joined hands and skipped around in circles while occasionally bending over and gobbling up hunks of cake with their faces

singing their party song.

" A very merry ungovernment to us, to us. A very merry ungovernment to you to you..."
" Could I have a piece of cake?" Alice inquired politely.

" No. Absolutely not. The cake is ours. The coal is for you. Take all you want." Cried the Hatter as he and the Dormouse fought over more frosting.
" A very merry ungovernment to all to all..." They went on.

Alice soon had about enough of their rudeness and asked, " How can you be the government and the ungovernment at the same time? It makes about as much sense as those Tweedle brothers did."

" Our ungovernment does not answer questions unless you pay for them in advance." The Hatter replied.

" In that case let me phrase it differently. I am absolutely famished, give me some cake." Alice didn' t ask.

" Our ungovernment hears no demands, but if you wish some cake then pay for it first. Do you have cake money?"

" You just took all my money."

" That was tea money not cake money. You have no money, you get no cake."
" But I didn' t get any tea!"

" And there' s a lot more that you won' t be getting. Our ungovernment does not give things away, especially to abnormal little girls who refuse to work. Our ungovernment has learned that giving hungry people food turns them into silly people who do nothing but sing and dance all day."

" I' ll work," Alice replied, " What would you like me to do?"

" There is no work. We the government of the ungovernment are not responsible for work that isn' t there, that is the beauty of an ungovernment."

 " Well this isn' t a very nice party and I' ll just be on my way if it' s all right with you."

" Stop! Before you go you must be searched, that is the ungovernment rule." The Hatter then directed the Hare and the Dormouse to hold Alice down on the table.
" What' s this?" The Hatter laughed happily. " Contraband! An evil " eatme" cookie! This is not good news for you my dear." He looked to his normal friends holding down the little girl with their hands up her dress and asked. " What do we call it when someone sits down without permission?"

" Strike one!" Screamed the Dormouse sucking his thumb.

" And what do we call it when someone demands cake without money to buy it?"
" Strike two!" Yelled the Hare smelling his shoe.

" And what do we call it when someone possesses 'eatmes' with intent to distribute?"
" STRIKE THREE!" The normal ones joyously said, " Get us a pole and OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

More Political Satire by Rack Jite

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Will Ferrell's foray on Broadway, playing the president who was above it all for so long, promises to be well worth the price of admission - if anyone is working. Otherwise, it will just be an audience of Bank CEO's and the like. Digg | Reddit | Stumble | Buzz it! | Email Article |

Laura's book, Bush Social Security reform...not Digg | Reddit | Stumble | Buzz it! | Email Article |

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Rene-Thierry Magon de la Villehuchet, 65, was found sitting at his desk at about 8 a.m. with both wrists slashed, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. A box cutter was found on the floor along with a bottle of sleeping pills on his desk. No suicide note was found. NYPD: Madoff investor commits suicide in office

Thankfully it was not a messy shot to the head, though it does lack the historic hook many of us are looking for.

Some are saying today's bankers do not have the conscience of mind their Great Depression counterparts enjoyed upon us.

In defense of today's New York finance movers and shakers, there were no high rise buildings during the worst (or best) of the jumping. Today the unprepared have no way of opening a window in these buildings. Wind shear that high can cause a fall before one is ready.

Though rather expensive, this hefty hammer can do the job. If pounding on the glass fails, the backside can by used to dig out whatever weather stripping may be holding the entire unit in. The extra expense should not be that much of an issue under the circumstances.

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Noteworthy blast from the past...

Die laughing funny. It makes a liberal feel guilty laughing so hard!  Now 6 years later with Barack Obama a month away from the White House it has become noteworthy once again.

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In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring. According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language."Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist." The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska. "Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

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Quentin Patrick 22 emptied his AK47 assault rifle (29 times) into the door when someone knocked for trick or treats Friday evening killing 12-year-old T.J. Darrisaw and wounding his father and younger brother.

Listening to Sarah Palin these past few weeks it cannot even be argued that Quentin is what she refers to as a good patriotic REAL American who comes from a patriotic region (South Carolina), from the base of real American patriotism, the small town of Sumter and making  him even more of a real American he had an assault rifle loaded in the living room.  And even more patriotic and heroic like our own Texas Joe Horn who shot unarmed people in the back, he did it because he suspected UnReal UnPatriotic UnAmericans had come to rob him.

An all around patriotic, REAL American, Quentin the Real American. It also shows that an AK47 is needed in every household because we now know it will take down a 12 year olds. Trick-or-treater 12 shot

I have been searching for a photo of Quentin the Real American and... wait... I just found one, here ya go. Sarah Palin's Real American!

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"They do not bear arms, and do not know of them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance, They would make fine servants. With 50 men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want. Let us in the name of the Holy Trinity go on sending all the slaves that can be sold." Christopher Columbus. " Aborigines - Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber: they fertilize." Ambrose Bierce 

It was 1492 when the lamentable plight of the Whiteman began in the New World. Whitemen had to work very hard destroying the indigenous cultures and eliminate the native populations. Not only was it a big job taking many years, but it was often dangerous precariously sitting atop war horses running down stone-age men, women and children; lopping off their body parts. Animals were known to rear and old fashion muskets and cannon would often backfire causing serious injuries to the Whitemen. Neither was it an easy chore whipping and overseeing the human caravans of thump-lined natives hauling all that gold the long distances back to the ships under the hot topical sun.  

The story was repeated a few centuries later in the Northern climes. Soon Whitemen had killed or caused the death by disease of 90% of the indigenous population there too, and they didn' t even have any gold. This was not always as much fun as it sounds, for sometimes Whitemen got hurt and a few even got killed when some natives had the audacity to fight back. It was an awful time for Whitemen.  

Soon the Whitemen had to import slaves to do the work that they themselves didn' t like doing, but soon found being a slave owner was not all it was cracked up to be. Some Africans resented being slaves, which is hard to imagine as the Whitemen shelled out a lot of time and money feeding them and building hovels for them to live in. Believe it or not, many of the slaves actually complained about free room and board! Sometimes, when the Whitemen needed cash, they would have to suffer the loss of some of their laborers by breaking up slave families and selling them off. On occasion, having one' s children or spouse sold away would upset some of these three-quarter humans to the extent that they had the impudence to run away! The Whitemen would then have to take time off to chase them down with dogs, capture them, shackle them (shackles were not free) and punish them by beatings or sometimes having to crush their feet so they could not run away again. This physical punishment was dirty sweaty menial work for the Whitemen and as it was usually quite hot and muggy where the slave owners lived, they often got dirty, winded and dizzy doing God' s work.  

Though hanging disobedient slaves was not a common occurrence, it was used on occasion to instill fear of the serious retribution involved in becoming a runaway, but when dictated it was very hard on the Whitemen' s pocketbook. So here again, Whitemen suffered the mental pain and anguish of deciding whether to whip, cripple or kill their slaves, not always an easy decision.  

Another unattractive business for the Whitemen was having to force the female slaves to have sex with them. They would have to go down to the dirty slave quarters to have their fun so their wives, children and neighbors wouldn' t know. Remember, these were the days before air conditioning so Whitemen often perspired profusely under the physical stain.  

Speaking of wives, the Whitemen also had to make their women understand that they too were slaves, and having no rights, must submit to sex on demand. It just added insult to injury for a Whiteman to have to come home from a long day of slapping slaves around to have to do the same to his womenfolk.  

Soon a great civil war forced the Whitemen to disband slavery and start paying for labor or doing it themselves. So they kept these newly declared now-five-fifths-human African-Americans in poverty and squalor to make sure they understood who was boss no matter what the government or anyone else had to say about it. Whether urban or rural, it was hard work keeping such hopeless people in line, but with persistence and good planning the Whitemen accomplished it for a hundred more years.  

Toward the end of the 20th Century it got real scary for Whitemen as the now humans sometimes burned things down. They did it where they lived rather than where the Whitemen lived, but it was still painful to the Whitemen' s sense of security. To make matters worse, sometimes a few of the now humans would sneak out of their ghettos and actually steal and rob from the Whitemen themselves!  

There is no doubt the Whitemen suffered great harm for centuries nor that things have gotten worse for them in recent times. A small percentage of now humans and even some women were getting a small degree of special treatment in education and job opportunities; entering Whitemen' s schools, police forces, fire departments and bureaucracies to make up for past and present discrimination. This unfairness has so upset Whitemen they often do the only thing they can do to alleviate the pressure. They buy a bunch of big guns and go to workplaces, restaurants, and post offices to shoot down whoever happens to be around. It' s a terrible burden to be Whitemen in this society, and don' t kid yourself, you have to be White to understand the pain.

"There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man' s notion that he is less savage than the other savages." Mark Twain

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