Satire

KicK! Making Politics Fun

Register \| Log in \| About \| Contact \| Talking Points

Friday, May 9. 2008

San Diego University Drug Bust nabs 75 students

There were 96 arrests, 75 of which were students and fraternity members at San Diego State University. Authorities found two kilograms of cocaine along with 350 Ecstasy pills, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, hash oil, methamphetamine, illicit prescription drugs, several guns and at least $60,000 in cash.

All students on campus have been evicted and those off campus have been suspended. The crack down was because of two cocaine deaths at the college over the past year.

First let's just consider extending the crack down at this one school to what police do in African American neighborhoods. This is just one on campus cabal, there are likely dozens more. With each supplying many hundreds of students who support their use by selling down the line, trafficking, felony, hard time.

Next let's extrapolate that to all 5000 colleges in America. Are you with me here? Because as I write I am not clear exactly where this is going.

For the police it sure would be a cakewalk going from fraternity house, to sorority house, to dorm to off campus housing all in a small area filled with mostly unarmed street-dumb kids. And for the police, searching college girls is like living a Girls Gone Wild video.

Think of what a boon it would be to trial lawyers! Expensive trial lawyers all the parents would hire. But even with that and our draconian drug laws we would have 100,000s of white college students going to school at Attica, Folsom and what have you, joining the 2 million predominantly black and Hispanics in our prison system now. What would that do? Would it just be fodder for the old hats to have new people to beat and rape? Or would this leveling out and proximity to the more educated class create more desire and motivation upon those already there to grab hold of the American Dream. I also wonder if like dorms these days, would prisons go coed?

This could be something that needs doing! It's easy pickings for the police with far less danger than going down to the 4th ward, it would generate revenues with perhaps millions of new arrests and fines, create more middle class jobs for those not in jail, and reduce the recidivism rate as today's prisoners then reach for that American Dream. Let's get started! First off, Harvard and Yale. Best practice the process at a few smaller private colleges before tackling UCLA where the logistics would require many thousands of buses and heaven only knows how many new orange jumpsuits. San Diego State University Bust

Posted by Rack Jite in Rule of Law, Satire at 08:16

Thursday, April 24. 2008

Ben Stein, Expelled and Santa Claus

ben stein expelled With the success of the movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, the charismatic conservative intellectual Ben Stein - who wrote and narrated the movie - is already at work on his next project, Existing: Santa Claus Angel of the North.

The central position of Expelled is based upon Dr. Richard Sternberg being expelled from the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History for promoting Intelligent Design. That he lost his job because of atheism, scientific fascism and denying him his 1st Amendment rights of freedom of religion and speech. It so happens that Dr. Steinberg was not an employee of the museum at all, but an unpaid research associate who had completed his three-year term. So to put it kindly, the premise of the movie is based upon an almost bigger pile of crap than Creation Science itself.

When asked about his movie being based upon such a profound lie, Stein replied, "Our audience for this movie is not concerned with such small matters, they are concerned with biggest matter of all, God."

Asked if his new movie would use the same symbolism and imagery relating Darwinism and Evolution to Hitler, Nazism, Communism, Fascism and the Holocaust Stein said, "We will do our best but right now we are working mostly upon relating these Godless Clausophobes to the Manson Family and the Eskimo Genocide. You know, what Liberalism accomplishes."

When questioned about any problems proving the existence of a 500 year old obese man living with elves at the North Pole, with a flying sled pulled by reindeer with light up noses and the ability to visit every home in the world in one 14 hour period, Stein smugly replied, "Excuse me, our polls show 100% of 2nd, 3rd and 4th Graders understand the reality of Santa Claus, and 100% of their parents tell them he is real. And let me tell you pal, you can't go wrong with 100% in the polls!"

Intelligent Design For Dummies

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 11:11 Comments (6)

Wednesday, April 9. 2008

Bad White Guy, Kenneth Delaine Stewart, Arrested In Harris County!

Kenneth Delaine Stewart, 25 was arrested today for sexually molesting a 7 year old girl. He also fits the description in a series of home invasion robberies and for a sexual encounter of another little girl. Deputies arrest suspect in Humble girl's attack.

As a daily reader of the Houston Chronicle this is the first time I can recall reading about a white guy doing very bad things. The daily dose of this sort of violent stuff seems to be always committed by the same four people: Juanita, Jose, Jerome and Laytefa.

Perhaps this is a sign of the dire straights even white people are now suffering. White boys too are now losing all hope for their future too. They can do whatever horrible things they can come up with because life in a garbage pit is all they have to look forward to. Officially this is called the Underclass Problem which our market driven lesse faire society refuses to acknowledge or address.

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 09:27 Comments (2)

Tuesday, April 8. 2008

Charlton Heston's Hand for sale on Ebay

It seems NRA members waited too long viewing Charlton Heston's body at his home which still clutched his rifle. It is reported that not a few NRA Life Members had erections at the scene. But sadly by the time the cororner had arrived to pick up the body, rigor mortise had set in. As the rifle was very long and raised above Chuck's head, he would not fit into any vehicle. After failing to pry his dead cold hand from the weapon they finally had to saw it off.

One of the employees working at the local morgue absconded with the trophy. Hand and rifle are now being bid upon on ebay. The starting price was a lowely $1000, but with NRA Life Members in a bidding war to gain possession of the single most wonderful gun in the world, after just two days the price is up to $16 million dollars.

Top bid is from Halliburton Industries leading some to believe the trophy will one day sit above a fireplace mantle in Montana.

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 08:51 Comments (1)

Friday, February 1. 2008

Pasadena Texas Sixth-grader brings gun to school

The 13-year-old student was arrested by the Pasadena Police Department and charged with unlawful carrying of a weapon on school grounds. Pasadena Sixth-grader brings a gun to school Houston Chronicle

Thirteen Years Old! Down here in Dumbutt, Texas that is the consent age to marry your sister! This is a state where children are baptized by the NRA. Though most of our kids are not given a gun until they can sit upright, many Texans begin gun safety courses for their children as soon as they are able to rollover on their backs on their own.

As was the case with a recent shooting death at a Pasadena gun range, local Pasadena hero Joe Horn is not thought to be involved as neither case involved anyone being shot in the back. By the way, the Grand Jury is still out on Joe Horn, but stay tuned, word is coming soon.

I cannot say enough about Pasadena, Texas which is walking distance from this very computer. One of the last "Good Ole Boy" working class communities around, surrounded by the biggest oil and chemical refineries in the world. Rustic litter strewn streets with the sweet smell of tetracycline in the air and more Harley's roaring around than a July weekend in Sturgis, South Dakota. A vacation wonderland for the gun of heart.

We not only have our local hero Joe Horn to brag about, but yesterday the long running case of Pasadena Police officers Jason W. Buckaloo and Christopher S. Jones kicking a Mexican to death were indicted for criminal negligent homicide. Two Pasadena officers indicted in suspect's death

Though only a few stories like these get national attention, I can't recall a day passing without hearing of a Pasadena shooting of one sort or another. It's our hobby, shooting each other. It's loud, it's exciting, it's fun and it's affordable!

Posted by Rack Jite in Dumbutt, Texas, Satire at 10:13 Comments (3)

Tuesday, January 8. 2008

Stephen Colbert Hates Unions!

Stephen Colbert hates unions yesterday, today and tomorrow! Colbert's satire seems to work better than Stewart's lecture.

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire, Videos Politics at 10:47

Wednesday, December 5. 2007

Iran having nukes is the same as them not having nukes

Information from sources in Washington suggest that the President gets intelligence reports on the state of Iraq's nuclear capabilities every two years, and that he doesn't do anything about them.

Brigadier General Hardis Nailes, assistant associate sub-director to the deputy for public information at the Pentagon's Strategic Information Diffusion Directorate, said Tuesday that the latest information on Iranian nuclear capability "is informative, while not really shedding any light on any of the facts." When asked exactly what that meant, Nailes replied, "It's up to the interpreters to interpret what the analysts analyze, and then we information distributors will distribute information. It's all about which facts we wish to consider as facts."

The announcement came on the heels of new criticism over the handling - and meaning - of intelligence reports, and how the President reacts to them. Mr. Bush said the new assessment that Iran had no nuclear weapons underscored the need to intensify international efforts to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon.

Only George W. Bush could make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look good.

Posted by SeaWillie in Satire at 10:48

Monday, December 3. 2007

Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate - Borowitz

Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate
Move to Shore Up Evangelical Base
Andy Borowitz

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G.O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate.

Governor Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice-presidential pick.

“This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G.O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.”

The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was “blindsided” by the news of Huckabee’s decision: “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.”

At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading “HUCKABEE/CHRIST ’08.”

It is “highly unorthodox” for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota.

But according to Mr. Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: “If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.”

Elsewhere, a madman attempted to take hostages at former Sen. Fred Thompson’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hampshire, but found that everyone had been given the week off.

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 08:45

Monday, November 26. 2007

White House declares Scott McClellan the "most dishonest person in the world."

The latest pronunciation comes just months after McClellan was regarded as 100% honest as White House Press Secretary. White House Spokesperson Dana Perino informed the White House Press corps that McClellan was now persona non grata Friday in a prepared statement. Members of the White House press corps were especially silent following the release, presumably because it was the day after Thanksgiving, and news outlets had their hands full reporting on sales beginning at 5 a.m., and recipes for leftover turkey.

“We’re not going to touch that,” said a reporter from the press pool that asked not to be identified. “If we report that in depth, then we will have to report how we haven’t asked hard questions about the other lies coming out of the White House. Some of us still want to ask what’s up with the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. Even more want to ask about the weapons of mass destruction and Colin Powell’s speech at the UN. “

There seems to be a consensus among the press that perhaps they could have done a beer job. None have stepped forward to begin doing so, however.

Posted by SeaWillie in Satire at 11:39

Monday, November 26. 2007

Thankful George - Borowitz

Bush Issues "Thankfulness List"
Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address
Andy Borowitz

In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.

“Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.

“Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.

“Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.

“Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell.

“Let’s be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.

“Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay.

“Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the economy.

“Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired.

“Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War Prize.”

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 11:26

Saturday, November 24. 2007

Important News! College Students Drink more on Football days!

Yes indeed, front page Houston Chronicle! A recent study at the University of Texas found, unbeknown to all but a select few, that college students drink a lot on football Saturdays! And as improbable as it may seem, the bigger the game, the more they drink!

Being from Wisconsin and watching just about every Packer and Badger game ever played with a group of friends, and attending many of the games myself, this is unexpected news to me!

With the unexpected findings from the good people over in Austin, I am sure other studies will follow which may find that it may not just be college students, but that men throughout America drink more on NFL Sunday's than on say, Easter. We may even find that more people actually get drunk on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other holiday!

With this news so enlightening, I am planning a study of my own. I will soon be taking a long hike through Yellowstone National Park to see where bears take a crap. I do have some preconceived notions on this, but I plan to stay mum until the facts are in. I would hate to ruin the surprise for yall.

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 09:04

Tuesday, November 6. 2007

Bush Asks? What about Musharraf and the Pakistan Riots?

The fly on the wall at the White House morning War Meeting.

Bush: Well, do we bomb them?

Cheney: Bomb them.

Bush: Bomb Iran first, then Syria and then Pakistan?

Cheney: Bomb Iran first, then Pakistan, then Turkey and let the Israeli's bomb Syria.

Gates: We may run out of bombs.

Bush: Run out of bombs? Then where would we be?

Cheney: I got extra bombs, don't worry about it.

Bush: Is San Francisco still on on the bomb list?

Here the bombversation is interrupted by Gates handing a few photographs to the Bombardiers.

Gates: I would like you to look at these photos from Pakistan and be sure to understand that the men being beaten are Lawyers and Reporters.

Bush: What kind of lawyers and reporters?

Gates: I suppose it could be said they are much like our ACLU lawyers and our New York Times reporters.

At his point there is a long pause as both Bush and Cheney soak that one up.

Bush: Could we do that here?

Gates: Not by any overnight decree, but if we were to play on the fears of 911 I am sure we could gradually ease into it. Yes, it's doable.

Cheney: Does this mean we are not going to bomb Pakistan?

Bush: Decided! First we bomb Iran, then we bomb all the pot farms in Afghanistan, then we bomb Turkey along the Iraq border, and how about we take this opportunity to carpet bomb the Northwest Territories of Pakistan to get what's his name?

Cheney: What about my bomb stash.

Bush: Give it to Giuliani. He'll bomb the Hell out of everyone!

And another meeting ends in giggling madness...

Posted by Rack Jite in Satire at 10:07