Saturday, November 22. 2008
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political
observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language."Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."
The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what
Americans are needing also," she said.
Many thanks to www.borowitzreport.com who generously invited readers to pass this along to friends.
Saturday, November 1. 2008
Quentin Patrick 22 emptied his AK47 assault rifle (29 times) into the door when someone knocked for trick or treats Friday evening killing 12-year-old T.J. Darrisaw and wounding his father and younger brother.
Listening to Sarah Palin these past few weeks it cannot even be argued that Quentin is what she refers to as a good patriotic REAL American who comes from a patriotic region (South Carolina), from the base of real American patriotism, the small town of Sumter and making him even more of a real American he had an assault rifle loaded in the living room. And even more patriotic and heroic like our own Texas Joe Horn who shot unarmed people in the back, he did it because he suspected UnReal UnPatriotic UnAmericans had come to rob him.
An all around patriotic, REAL American, Quentin the Real American. It also shows that an AK47 is needed in every household because we now know it will take down a 12 year olds. Trick-or-treater 12 shot I have been searching for a photo of Quentin the Real American and... wait... I just found one, here ya go. Sarah Palin's Real American! 
Monday, October 13. 2008
"They do not bear arms, and do not know of them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance, They would make fine servants. With 50 men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want. Let us in the name of the Holy Trinity go on sending all the slaves that can be sold." Christopher Columbus. " Aborigines - Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber: they fertilize." Ambrose Bierce It was 1492 when the lamentable plight of the Whiteman began in the New World. Whitemen had to work very hard destroying the indigenous cultures and eliminate the native populations. Not only was it a big job taking many years, but it was often dangerous precariously sitting atop war horses running down stone-age men, women and children; lopping off their body parts. Animals were known to rear and old fashion muskets and cannon would often backfire causing serious injuries to the Whitemen. Neither was it an easy chore whipping and overseeing the human caravans of thump-lined natives hauling all that gold the long distances back to the ships under the hot topical sun. The story was repeated a few centuries later in the Northern climes. Soon Whitemen had killed or caused the death by disease of 90% of the indigenous population there too, and they didn' t even have any gold. This was not always as much fun as it sounds, for sometimes Whitemen got hurt and a few even got killed when some natives had the audacity to fight back. It was an awful time for Whitemen. Soon the Whitemen had to import slaves to do the work that they themselves didn' t like doing, but soon found being a slave owner was not all it was cracked up to be. Some Africans resented being slaves, which is hard to imagine as the Whitemen shelled out a lot of time and money feeding them and building hovels for them to live in. Believe it or not, many of the slaves actually complained about free room and board! Sometimes, when the Whitemen needed cash, they would have to suffer the loss of some of their laborers by breaking up slave families and selling them off. On occasion, having one' s children or spouse sold away would upset some of these three-quarter humans to the extent that they had the impudence to run away! The Whitemen would then have to take time off to chase them down with dogs, capture them, shackle them (shackles were not free) and punish them by beatings or sometimes having to crush their feet so they could not run away again. This physical punishment was dirty sweaty menial work for the Whitemen and as it was usually quite hot and muggy where the slave owners lived, they often got dirty, winded and dizzy doing God' s work. Though hanging disobedient slaves was not a common occurrence, it was used on occasion to instill fear of the serious retribution involved in becoming a runaway, but when dictated it was very hard on the Whitemen' s pocketbook. So here again, Whitemen suffered the mental pain and anguish of deciding whether to whip, cripple or kill their slaves, not always an easy decision. Another unattractive business for the Whitemen was having to force the female slaves to have sex with them. They would have to go down to the dirty slave quarters to have their fun so their wives, children and neighbors wouldn' t know. Remember, these were the days before air conditioning so Whitemen often perspired profusely under the physical stain. Speaking of wives, the Whitemen also had to make their women understand that they too were slaves, and having no rights, must submit to sex on demand. It just added insult to injury for a Whiteman to have to come home from a long day of slapping slaves around to have to do the same to his womenfolk. Soon a great civil war forced the Whitemen to disband slavery and start paying for labor or doing it themselves. So they kept these newly declared now-five-fifths-human African-Americans in poverty and squalor to make sure they understood who was boss no matter what the government or anyone else had to say about it. Whether urban or rural, it was hard work keeping such hopeless people in line, but with persistence and good planning the Whitemen accomplished it for a hundred more years. Toward the end of the 20th Century it got real scary for Whitemen as the now humans sometimes burned things down. They did it where they lived rather than where the Whitemen lived, but it was still painful to the Whitemen' s sense of security. To make matters worse, sometimes a few of the now humans would sneak out of their ghettos and actually steal and rob from the Whitemen themselves! There is no doubt the Whitemen suffered great harm for centuries nor that things have gotten worse for them in recent times. A small percentage of now humans and even some women were getting a small degree of special treatment in education and job opportunities; entering Whitemen' s schools, police forces, fire departments and bureaucracies to make up for past and present discrimination. This unfairness has so upset Whitemen they often do the only thing they can do to alleviate the pressure. They buy a bunch of big guns and go to workplaces, restaurants, and post offices to shoot down whoever happens to be around. It' s a terrible burden to be Whitemen in this society, and don' t kid yourself, you have to be White to understand the pain.
"There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man' s notion that he is less savage than the other savages." Mark Twain
Tuesday, August 26. 2008
It has finally arrived boys. No wonder the cat-walk is a-buzz!
With the sexy cut-away patented "tease-all" belly, they truly are one-size-fits-all. Your hard-earned beer belly will be displayed as it well should be, also giving extra exposure for tattoos, or billboard space. Or, with imagination, you could wear them backward for an entirely new look.
All of this style, yet they offer even more comfort than the classics you've loved for decades! Seem
impossible? The expanding waist....now has no limit! They still afford easily accessible scratching, and the same optional one or two hooks to strap or not.
Be it a night on the town, a steamy night with the livestock, or a shotgun wedding, you'll make a statement wherever you go.
Tres Chic Bubba!
Saturday, May 17. 2008
Senator Edward Kennedy was rushed to the hospital today. Thus far no hard facts have come by to blame Hillary Clinton though cable media and the liberal blogosphere are diligently investigating her involvement. Remember it was only a week ago that Senator Clinton said "white people" to describe white people! Execution scheduled soon. On a related story to a question I asked yesterday, it seems the media will soon declare Barack Obama better than beer and bigger the Jesus.
Friday, May 9. 2008
 There were 96 arrests, 75 of which were students and fraternity members at San Diego State University. Authorities found two kilograms of cocaine along with 350 Ecstasy
pills, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, hash oil, methamphetamine,
illicit prescription drugs, several guns and at least $60,000 in cash.
All students on campus have been evicted and those off campus have been suspended. The crack down was because of two cocaine deaths at the college over the past year.
First let's just consider extending the crack down at this one school to what police do in African American neighborhoods. This is just one on campus cabal, there are likely dozens more. With each supplying many hundreds of students who support their use by selling down the line, trafficking, felony, hard time. Next let's extrapolate that to all 5000 colleges in America. Are you with me here? Because as I write I am not clear exactly where this is going. For the police it sure would be a cakewalk going from fraternity house, to sorority house, to dorm to off campus housing all in a small area filled with mostly unarmed street-dumb kids. And for the police, searching college girls is like living a Girls Gone Wild video. Think of what a boon it would be to trial lawyers! Expensive trial lawyers all the parents would hire. But even with that and our draconian drug laws we would have 100,000s of white college students going to school at Attica, Folsom and what have you, joining the 2 million predominantly black and Hispanics in our prison system now. What would that do? Would it just be fodder for the old hats to have new people to beat and rape? Or would this leveling out and proximity to the more educated class create more desire and motivation upon those already there to grab hold of the American Dream. I also wonder if like dorms these days, would prisons go coed? This could be something that needs doing! It's easy pickings for the police with far less danger than going down to the 4th ward, it would generate revenues with perhaps millions of new arrests and fines, create more middle class jobs for those not in jail, and reduce the recidivism rate as today's prisoners then reach for that American Dream. Let's get started! First off, Harvard and Yale. Best practice the process at a few smaller private colleges before tackling UCLA where the logistics would require many thousands of buses and heaven only knows how many new orange jumpsuits. San Diego State University Bust
Wednesday, April 9. 2008
 Kenneth Delaine Stewart, 25 was arrested today for sexually molesting a 7 year old girl. He also fits the description in a series of home invasion robberies and for a sexual encounter of another little girl. Deputies arrest suspect in Humble girl's attack.As a daily reader of the Houston Chronicle this is the first time I can recall reading about a white guy doing very bad things. The daily dose of this sort of violent stuff seems to be always committed by the same four people: Juanita, Jose, Jerome and Laytefa.
Perhaps this is a sign of the dire straights even white people are now suffering. White boys too are now losing all hope for their future too. They can do whatever horrible things they can come up with because life in a garbage pit is all they have to look forward to. Officially this is called the Underclass Problem which our market driven lesse faire society refuses to acknowledge or address.
Tuesday, April 8. 2008
 It seems NRA members waited too long viewing Charlton Heston's body at his home which still clutched his rifle. It is reported that not a few NRA Life Members had erections at the scene. But sadly by the time the cororner had arrived to pick up the body, rigor mortise had set in. As the rifle was very long and raised above Chuck's head, he would not fit into any vehicle. After failing to pry his dead cold hand from the weapon they finally had to saw it off. One of the employees working at the local morgue absconded with the trophy. Hand and rifle are now being bid upon on ebay. The starting price was a lowely $1000, but with NRA Life Members in a bidding war to gain possession of the single most wonderful gun in the world, after just two days the price is up to $16 million dollars. Top bid is from Halliburton Industries leading some to believe the trophy will one day sit above a fireplace mantle in Montana.
Tuesday, January 8. 2008
Stephen Colbert hates unions yesterday, today and tomorrow! Colbert's satire seems to work better than Stewart's lecture.
Wednesday, December 5. 2007
Information from sources in Washington suggest that
the President gets intelligence reports on the state
of Iraq's nuclear capabilities every two years, and
that he doesn't do anything about them.
Brigadier General Hardis Nailes, assistant associate
sub-director to the deputy for public information at
the Pentagon's Strategic Information Diffusion
Directorate, said Tuesday that the latest information
on Iranian nuclear capability "is informative, while
not really shedding any light on any of the facts."
When asked exactly what that meant, Nailes replied,
"It's up to the interpreters to interpret what the
analysts analyze, and then we information distributors
will distribute information. It's all about which
facts we wish to consider as facts."
The announcement came on the heels of new criticism
over the handling - and meaning - of intelligence
reports, and how the President reacts to them. Mr.
Bush said the new assessment that Iran had no nuclear
weapons underscored the need to intensify
international efforts to prevent Iran from acquiring a
nuclear weapon. Only George W. Bush could make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look good.
Monday, December 3. 2007
Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate
Move to Shore Up Evangelical Base
Andy Borowitz
In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G.O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate.
Governor Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice-presidential pick.
“This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G.O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.”
The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was “blindsided” by the news of Huckabee’s decision: “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.”
At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading “HUCKABEE/CHRIST ’08.”
It is “highly unorthodox” for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota.
But according to Mr. Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: “If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.”
Elsewhere, a madman attempted to take hostages at former Sen. Fred Thompson’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hampshire, but found that everyone had been given the week off.
Monday, November 26. 2007
The latest pronunciation comes just months after
McClellan was regarded as 100% honest as White House Press Secretary. White
House Spokesperson Dana Perino informed the White House Press corps that
McClellan was now persona non grata Friday in a prepared statement.
Members of the White House press corps were especially silent following the
release, presumably because it was the day after Thanksgiving, and news outlets
had their hands full reporting on sales beginning at 5 a.m., and recipes for
leftover turkey.
“We’re not going to touch that,” said a reporter
from the press pool that asked not to be identified. “If we report that in
depth, then we will have to report how we haven’t asked hard questions about the
other lies coming out of the White House. Some of us still want to ask what’s
up with the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. Even more want to ask about the
weapons of mass destruction and Colin Powell’s speech at the UN. “
There seems to be a consensus among the press that
perhaps they could have done a beer job. None have stepped forward to begin
doing so, however.
Monday, November 26. 2007
Bush Issues "Thankfulness List"
Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address
Andy Borowitz
In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White
House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him
in giving thanks for the following things: “My fellow
Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these
winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place. “Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China. “Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too. “Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it. “Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to. “Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell. “Let’s
be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on
strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in
office. “Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale. “Let’s be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay. “Let's
be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through
those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the
economy. “Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired. “Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again. “And
finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al
Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War
Prize.”
Saturday, November 24. 2007
 Yes indeed, front page Houston Chronicle! A recent study at the University of Texas found, unbeknown to all but a select few, that college students drink a lot on football Saturdays! And as improbable as it may seem, the bigger the game, the more they drink!
Being from Wisconsin and watching just about every Packer and Badger game ever played with a group of friends, and attending many of the games myself, this is unexpected news to me!
With the unexpected findings from the good people over in Austin, I am sure other studies will follow which may find that it may not just be college students, but that men throughout America drink more on NFL Sunday's than on say, Easter. We may even find that more people actually get drunk on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other holiday!
With this news so enlightening, I am planning a study of my own. I will soon be taking a long hike through Yellowstone National Park to see where bears take a crap. I do have some preconceived notions on this, but I plan to stay mum until the facts are in. I would hate to ruin the surprise for yall.
Tuesday, November 6. 2007
The fly on the wall at the White House morning War Meeting. Bush: Well, do we bomb them? Cheney: Bomb them. Bush: Bomb Iran first, then Syria and then Pakistan? Cheney: Bomb Iran first, then Pakistan, then Turkey and let the Israeli's bomb Syria. Gates: We may run out of bombs. Bush: Run out of bombs? Then where would we be? Cheney: I got extra bombs, don't worry about it. Bush: Is San Francisco still on on the bomb list? Here the bombversation is interrupted by Gates handing a few photographs to the Bombardiers. 
Gates: I would like you to look at these photos from Pakistan and be sure to understand that the men being beaten are Lawyers and Reporters. Bush: What kind of lawyers and reporters? Gates: I suppose it could be said they are much like our ACLU lawyers and our New York Times reporters. At his point there is a long pause as both Bush and Cheney soak that one up. Bush: Could we do that here? Gates: Not by any overnight decree, but if we were to play on the fears of 911 I am sure we could gradually ease into it. Yes, it's doable. Cheney: Does this mean we are not going to bomb Pakistan? Bush: Decided! First we bomb Iran, then we bomb all the pot farms in Afghanistan, then we bomb Turkey along the Iraq border, and how about we take this opportunity to carpet bomb the Northwest Territories of Pakistan to get what's his name? Cheney: What about my bomb stash. Bush: Give it to Giuliani. He'll bomb the Hell out of everyone! And another meeting ends in giggling madness...
Wednesday, October 24. 2007
Jarvis Heddon, Republican alderman from Escondido,
California, suggested that all "good Americans" should
be happy to sacrifice their homes in the states latest
wildfire crisis. Mr. Heddon suggested that since
National Guard and Marine Reserves are tied up in the
Middle East, and none of their equipment ever comes
back from the Middle East for present personnel to
train with, perhaps this is the best way for the
predominantly Republican area to "get behind the
President and his fight for global supremacy." Mr.
Heddon then corrected himself, pointing out he
intended to say, "global war on terrorism."
Not all Mr. Heddons constituents are so quick to give
up their homes, however. Tarvis Jenway, of San Diego
stated he "directly blames the Bush White House for
the spread of the present conflagration." Jenway
added, " If we had a national guard to support our
firefighters, there wouldn't be half the conflagration
we got now."
The President is expected to tour the devastated areas
Wednesday. Many Orange County residents are looking
forward to the visit. The area claims to be the "thru
anchor of the remaining 24% of Americans that still
support the President." Others call the entire
catastrophe "karma."
Wednesday, October 24. 2007
Valerie Plame, wife of ex-ambassador Joseph Wilson
and one time CIA operative, claimed on Monday that CBS spunky reporter Katie
Couric “could be an intelligence operative.”
Following Couric’s interview with Ms. Plame on
CBS’s 60 Minutes program, Plame pointed out that Couric seems to have all the
skills and talents needed for undercover intelligence work.
“Nobody takes her seriously, she’s good looking,
and she speaks in the most gosh-awful riddles,” said Plame, “she could be my
replacement.”
Couric had seasoned the interview with revelations
such as Scooter Libby’s wife is not a CIA operative (which Plame disputed.)
Plame noted on her 60 Minutes interview that she
was an operative for many years, until the Bush administration intentionally
leaked her identity in retaliation for her husband’s repudiation of some of the
administration’s reasons for going to war with Iraq. Public reaction to the
interview has been mixed. Conservatives consider it a hatchet job on the Bush
administration, while many college age males have phoned in requests for photos
of Plame in her New Mexico office wearing jeans and sweater. Trevor Wadsworth
of Columbus, Ohio, wrote in stating that “Valerie is hotter than Mrs.
Robinson!,” in a reference to the 1960’s movie “The Graduate.
Wednesday, October 10. 2007
Newcomer Fred Thompson was named the best in last
night’s Republican “Foghorn Leghorn sound-alike
contest.” The Tennessee Republican finished well
ahead of the other contenders in the nationally
televised contest, with Massachusetts Mitt Romney
receiving honorable mention for his new haircut, and
Duncan Hunter given a nod for his hawkish views.
Thompson also garnered praise from the judges for his
striking resemblance to a Little Abner character, the
corrupt, conspiratorial blowhard Senator Jack S.
Phogbound. The judging committee decided an award for
that may be a little bit too much like art imitating
life, and discouraged any supplemental award for
Thompson, however.
“I am happier than a pig in poop,” Thompson remarked
after the announcement. He then pointed out this was
not his first foray into entertainment. He said he
has been attempting for some time to bring out his
imitations of a one-role actor, another involving
an incredibly lazy politician with a gold-digging
trophy wife.
Friday, October 5. 2007
Bush Vetoes Candy for Babies (Move Takes Candy From Over Four Million Babies)
The Borowitz Report
Andy Borowitz
In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush
today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies.
With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a
law that would have expanded candy benefits to America's hungriest
babies.
At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was
"unconcerned" that his veto would create the impression that he was, in
effect, taking candy from babies.
"Being president means making tough decisions," said White House press
secretary Dana Perino. "If that means taking candy from babies, so be
it."
Mr. Perino said that the $3 billion saved by vetoing the Candy for
Babies Act would be used for one of Mr. Bush's pet projects, a new
program that would pay people to kick old ladies who are trying to cross
the street.
The funding of the Kicking Old Ladies Act comes on the heels of another
potentially unpopular move by the president, an executive order that
would force puppies and kittens out of animal shelters and onto the
streets in time for the winter.
In other White House news, President Bush responded to criticism of the
Blackwater security firm by hiring a new firm to take over security in
Iraq, a company called Bongwater.
"I met with the Bongwater folks and I liked them," he said. "They seemed
a lot more laid back than Blackwater."
Elsewhere, Britney Spears said she regretted losing custody of her
children "because I was just teaching them how to drive."
Saturday, September 29. 2007
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
From the toilet
Saturday, September 15. 2007
International Idiot Crisis. While not an entirely political issue I feel comfortable bringing it to you as the organization involved - The Plain English Campaign does mention that politicians are part of the problem, which as they see it is the seeming assumption of minimal intelligence by the public, as well as redundancy, the very currency of political speaking.
While reading the examples the Campaign mentions I was struck that if they had not heard worse they must be on a rocky Craig in the Atlantic, and that Bush-Speak would give them the vapors. Further reading revealed that they are indeed located in England. A spokesman for The Plain English Campaign stated “They assume a lack of intelligence on the part of the reader. ‘Do not commit crime, pay for your fuel’ is hardly a deterrent to a criminal who has every intention of driving off without paying.”
I believe we Yanks could come up with much more inane examples! Perhaps if you are sitting up, taking nutrition and feeling up to it you might want to add a personal favorite or two. The winner gets two million dollars from Rackjite! (Top THAT Orpha!)
A sampling of the British complaints follows:
On a bag of NUTS, the dire tip-off, “Warning: Contains nuts.”
“May irritate eyes” – on a can of self defense pepper spray.
“Removing the wheel may influence the performance of the bicycle” - from a Dutch bicycle manual.
“ Do not iron clothes on body” – from packaging on a steam iron.
Supermarket Tesco – which also reminds shoppers that cream contains milk and that salted butter contains milk and salt” defended itself, saying it “gave customers all of the information they should need.”
“Do not open door while airborne except in an emergency” – on emergency exit doors on planes.
Road sign – “Caution! Water on road during rain.”
Another vital warning, “Caution, may cause drowsiness!” – on bottle of sleeping tablets.
The political rhetoric pales by comparison between our countries. For example “The Campaign” feels insulted when such phrases are used and re-used such as “We are taking the terrorist threat very seriously.”
Let’s compare, shall we? On CBS News with Katie Couric, Bush stated, “You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." Yes, there ARE much worse things than vapid redundancy! Click here for rest of story
Saturday, September 8. 2007
It looks like Osama Bin Laden has signed up with sports greats Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier. The perennial 9/11 El Qaeda news release shows Bin Laden has taken to darkening his hair and beard.
Could El Qaeda be desperate for funding? Or maybe Osama just feels the need to attract girls. Living in a cave outside of Islamabad can’t be that sexually fulfilling. And it really doesn’t matter how many wives you have if none of them will go camping with you.
Combe Incorporated, the manufacturers of Just for Men hair coloring won’t cop to signing Bin Laden as the latest star of the products most recent batch of testimonial ads for the male hair coloring. Advertising experts speculate that the use of sports figures and quasi-celebrities famous for their prowess with the ladies could not hold a candle to having a guy with 20-30 wives and always armed extol the virtues of Just for Men.
Madison Avenue execs are chuckling about the irony of an enemy of the American people has succumbed to the same pressures as aging American men. Some are even expecting Bin Laden to come out with his own line of male grooming products.
"Quite a coup for a man that hasn’t shaved in 15 years, and rarely even gets a trim from the barber" pointed out Basil Chinstone, CEO of CB & D Advertising Specialists, one of Madison Avenue’s most formidable marketing teams.
Tuesday, September 4. 2007
Amid rumors that President Bush "really likes that kind of talk" the Bush White House announced Sunday a new phase of the so-called “Iraq Surge” operation. The White House appears to believe the new measures will increase the likelihood of possible victory in its endeavors in that war-torn country.Newly ordained Press Secretary Dana Perino informed a skeleton White House Press corps over the Labor Day weekend the administration is preparing to reveal a new set of artificial benchmarks, macho catch phrases, and tough-sounding codenames to its operations in an attempt to redeem what little credibility they have left regarding the Bush administration’s endeavors to salvage the situation in the Middle East.
Ms. Perino pointed out that code names in the past such as Calypso Wind, Optic Windmill, Platypus Moon, and the delightful Zodiac Beauchamp are now passé. “We’re going with ideas that have some balls,” Ms. Perino said without as much as a blush. She also hinted they would now be along the lines of “Diamond Cutter" and "Buck Hard-on.” Ms. Perino denied that these codenames are an attempt to squelche any accusations that the administration is losing its potency.
Ms. Perino also chuckled when it was pointed out that VP Dick Cheney was refused Cialis by his physician because “If there is any heart left in there it could kill him.”
In a follow up, the White House also announced they are adjusting their benchmarks to show greater success. “It used to be we didn’t announce any deaths if they occur post-injury in a hospital stateside or en route,” Ms. Perino declared, “from now on we will only count deaths if they are from explosions bigger than roadside bombs.” When pressed for a reason, she would only states “The insurgents have very little artillery.”
Ms. Perino also announced that all pentagon press conferences from now on will be conducted much like the way players are introduced at NBA games. with flashing lights, pyrotechnics, and a heavy reverb on the PA system. “With that, and names like ‘Operation Superbad Muthafukka,’ I don’t see how we can fail."
Saturday, September 1. 2007
 A giant spider web spans part of Lake Tawakoni State Park in Texas. photo Donna Garde
Claiming meetings with Republican party heads, planning strategy for the eventual withdrawal of troops, and the dishevelment of the justice Department, many key meetings are taking place in Crawford, Texas.As an earlier report showed, a great deal of strategy is planned while engaging in the president’s favorite activity, clearing brush.
As the list of those who’ve quit, lost their positions, or simply needed to leave places like Idaho grows, Crawford is becoming a gathering place, and a dust bowl. The total impact on flora and fauna is unknown, but will bear inspection by the fish and Wildlife Departments, as well as the Department of Ecology.
One aspect is demonstrated by these spiders who fled to Lake Tawakoni State Park, creating possibly the world’s largest web, a spider condominium of sorts, as reported by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.
Tuesday, August 28. 2007
August 28, 2007
Dear Senator Craig,
As official spokeswoman for the National Democratic Inclusion Headquarters, I would like to be the first to officially extend a warm invitation for you to join our ranks. As the party of inclusion, rather than exclusion, where you are presently, we welcome those of various races, religious beliefs, non beliefs, and of course sexual preferences. Our policy is that part of your life is your own business, as long as children or animals are not involved). Even those with questionable taste in music are welcome, as are those whose mothers dressed them funny, and have yet to recover.
We do know that you are a deeply religious man. This could be the turning point in becoming closer to your Creator. How wonderful it would be for you to face the day as who you truly are, as you were intended you to be! No more living a sinful and hypocritical sham of an existence. I know that becoming the man “HE” intended is the most important thing, above politics, or the opinion of your small minded community. We’ve heard and read your beliefs enough to interpret that is the case, and feel that you would be going against HIS will if you did not take this opportunity to join with your brothers and sisters of all stripes, but more importantly as yourself, (past Senator Craig) Gay and proud!
We realize that as a politician, you required the standard issue wife and children, but is it truly fair to hide behind her skirts so that you will not appear openly “gay”, but on the down low? Our Gay Democrats welcome you to step out of the closet.
While I cannot speak for everyone, I’d venture that most Democrats of both sexes would welcome you once you’ve come to terms with who you are, and are no longer using your family as human shields. They too, of course are welcome. The convention would be a wonderful place for your wife to find another partner.
Somewhere in the Hypocritical part of your brain, it must have throbbed and flashed red, showing in your eyes, and blaring like ship’s klaxon when you signed numerous anti gay laws I won’t list them all, just two which may well impact you soon.
You voted no twice to expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation, and once to prohibit job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. These issues may well have great meaning for you soon unless you’re prepared to jet out of Idaho immediately!
P.S. They aren’t buying your denials, you might want to book that flight and consider a party and career change ASAP. We are here to help.
Sincerely,
Wanda Welcome Wagon
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