Saturday, September 29. 2007
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
From the toilet
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Saturday, September 15. 2007
International Idiot Crisis. While not an entirely political issue I feel comfortable bringing it to you as the organization involved - The Plain English Campaign does mention that politicians are part of the problem, which as they see it is the seeming assumption of minimal intelligence by the public, as well as redundancy, the very currency of political speaking.
While reading the examples the Campaign mentions I was struck that if they had not heard worse they must be on a rocky Craig in the Atlantic, and that Bush-Speak would give them the vapors. Further reading revealed that they are indeed located in England. A spokesman for The Plain English Campaign stated “They assume a lack of intelligence on the part of the reader. ‘Do not commit crime, pay for your fuel’ is hardly a deterrent to a criminal who has every intention of driving off without paying.”
I believe we Yanks could come up with much more inane examples! Perhaps if you are sitting up, taking nutrition and feeling up to it you might want to add a personal favorite or two. The winner gets two million dollars from Rackjite! (Top THAT Orpha!)
A sampling of the British complaints follows:
On a bag of NUTS, the dire tip-off, “Warning: Contains nuts.”
“May irritate eyes” – on a can of self defense pepper spray.
“Removing the wheel may influence the performance of the bicycle” - from a Dutch bicycle manual.
“ Do not iron clothes on body” – from packaging on a steam iron.
Supermarket Tesco – which also reminds shoppers that cream contains milk and that salted butter contains milk and salt” defended itself, saying it “gave customers all of the information they should need.”
“Do not open door while airborne except in an emergency” – on emergency exit doors on planes.
Road sign – “Caution! Water on road during rain.”
Another vital warning, “Caution, may cause drowsiness!” – on bottle of sleeping tablets.
The political rhetoric pales by comparison between our countries. For example “The Campaign” feels insulted when such phrases are used and re-used such as “We are taking the terrorist threat very seriously.”
Let’s compare, shall we? On CBS News with Katie Couric, Bush stated, “You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." Yes, there ARE much worse things than vapid redundancy! Click here for rest of story
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Saturday, September 8. 2007
It looks like Osama Bin Laden has signed up with sports greats Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier. The perennial 9/11 El Qaeda news release shows Bin Laden has taken to darkening his hair and beard.
Could El Qaeda be desperate for funding? Or maybe Osama just feels the need to attract girls. Living in a cave outside of Islamabad can’t be that sexually fulfilling. And it really doesn’t matter how many wives you have if none of them will go camping with you.
Combe Incorporated, the manufacturers of Just for Men hair coloring won’t cop to signing Bin Laden as the latest star of the products most recent batch of testimonial ads for the male hair coloring. Advertising experts speculate that the use of sports figures and quasi-celebrities famous for their prowess with the ladies could not hold a candle to having a guy with 20-30 wives and always armed extol the virtues of Just for Men.
Madison Avenue execs are chuckling about the irony of an enemy of the American people has succumbed to the same pressures as aging American men. Some are even expecting Bin Laden to come out with his own line of male grooming products.
"Quite a coup for a man that hasn’t shaved in 15 years, and rarely even gets a trim from the barber" pointed out Basil Chinstone, CEO of CB & D Advertising Specialists, one of Madison Avenue’s most formidable marketing teams.
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Tuesday, September 4. 2007
Amid rumors that President Bush "really likes that kind of talk" the Bush White House announced Sunday a new phase of the so-called “Iraq Surge” operation. The White House appears to believe the new measures will increase the likelihood of possible victory in its endeavors in that war-torn country.Newly ordained Press Secretary Dana Perino informed a skeleton White House Press corps over the Labor Day weekend the administration is preparing to reveal a new set of artificial benchmarks, macho catch phrases, and tough-sounding codenames to its operations in an attempt to redeem what little credibility they have left regarding the Bush administration’s endeavors to salvage the situation in the Middle East.
Ms. Perino pointed out that code names in the past such as Calypso Wind, Optic Windmill, Platypus Moon, and the delightful Zodiac Beauchamp are now passé. “We’re going with ideas that have some balls,” Ms. Perino said without as much as a blush. She also hinted they would now be along the lines of “Diamond Cutter" and "Buck Hard-on.” Ms. Perino denied that these codenames are an attempt to squelche any accusations that the administration is losing its potency.
Ms. Perino also chuckled when it was pointed out that VP Dick Cheney was refused Cialis by his physician because “If there is any heart left in there it could kill him.”
In a follow up, the White House also announced they are adjusting their benchmarks to show greater success. “It used to be we didn’t announce any deaths if they occur post-injury in a hospital stateside or en route,” Ms. Perino declared, “from now on we will only count deaths if they are from explosions bigger than roadside bombs.” When pressed for a reason, she would only states “The insurgents have very little artillery.”
Ms. Perino also announced that all pentagon press conferences from now on will be conducted much like the way players are introduced at NBA games. with flashing lights, pyrotechnics, and a heavy reverb on the PA system. “With that, and names like ‘Operation Superbad Muthafukka,’ I don’t see how we can fail."
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Saturday, September 1. 2007
 A giant spider web spans part of Lake Tawakoni State Park in Texas. photo Donna Garde
Claiming meetings with Republican party heads, planning strategy for the eventual withdrawal of troops, and the dishevelment of the justice Department, many key meetings are taking place in Crawford, Texas.As an earlier report showed, a great deal of strategy is planned while engaging in the president’s favorite activity, clearing brush.
As the list of those who’ve quit, lost their positions, or simply needed to leave places like Idaho grows, Crawford is becoming a gathering place, and a dust bowl. The total impact on flora and fauna is unknown, but will bear inspection by the fish and Wildlife Departments, as well as the Department of Ecology.
One aspect is demonstrated by these spiders who fled to Lake Tawakoni State Park, creating possibly the world’s largest web, a spider condominium of sorts, as reported by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.
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Tuesday, August 28. 2007
August 28, 2007
Dear Senator Craig,
As official spokeswoman for the National Democratic Inclusion Headquarters, I would like to be the first to officially extend a warm invitation for you to join our ranks. As the party of inclusion, rather than exclusion, where you are presently, we welcome those of various races, religious beliefs, non beliefs, and of course sexual preferences. Our policy is that part of your life is your own business, as long as children or animals are not involved). Even those with questionable taste in music are welcome, as are those whose mothers dressed them funny, and have yet to recover.
We do know that you are a deeply religious man. This could be the turning point in becoming closer to your Creator. How wonderful it would be for you to face the day as who you truly are, as you were intended you to be! No more living a sinful and hypocritical sham of an existence. I know that becoming the man “HE” intended is the most important thing, above politics, or the opinion of your small minded community. We’ve heard and read your beliefs enough to interpret that is the case, and feel that you would be going against HIS will if you did not take this opportunity to join with your brothers and sisters of all stripes, but more importantly as yourself, (past Senator Craig) Gay and proud!
We realize that as a politician, you required the standard issue wife and children, but is it truly fair to hide behind her skirts so that you will not appear openly “gay”, but on the down low? Our Gay Democrats welcome you to step out of the closet.
While I cannot speak for everyone, I’d venture that most Democrats of both sexes would welcome you once you’ve come to terms with who you are, and are no longer using your family as human shields. They too, of course are welcome. The convention would be a wonderful place for your wife to find another partner.
Somewhere in the Hypocritical part of your brain, it must have throbbed and flashed red, showing in your eyes, and blaring like ship’s klaxon when you signed numerous anti gay laws I won’t list them all, just two which may well impact you soon.
You voted no twice to expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation, and once to prohibit job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. These issues may well have great meaning for you soon unless you’re prepared to jet out of Idaho immediately!
P.S. They aren’t buying your denials, you might want to book that flight and consider a party and career change ASAP. We are here to help.
Sincerely,
Wanda Welcome Wagon
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Monday, August 27. 2007
Dumbass, Texas - With the President already at work in Crawford removing what greenery he can find, the added benefit of Karl Rove and Roberto Gonzales helping with the chore could mean there may be nothing green left West of the Brazos by months' end. It may seem improbable to some that just three men with chainsaws could defoliate half of Texas, but one must consider not only the "can-do" spirit of the trio who no longer have anything better to do, but that West Texas only has only 15 trees and a two dozen bushes to begin with. Though Rove has been somewhat lackadaisical in shutting up long enough to get any work done. Gonzales without even a change of clothes jumped right in saying he has always had an affinity for yard work. While Roberto strapped on a 5hp leaf blower, the President reflected upon Ronald Reagan's time at his ranch chopping wood saying he would have a similar historic legacy, something the people could relate too, a "do something" President.
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Monday, August 20. 2007
Marsborough, AL -- Darvin Lundquist, local electrician and town council member, recently sold the floor of his garage for $20,000.
Lundquist, 40, of Marsborough, said he noticed an odd shaped oil stain on his garage floor last week, when he was leaving to go to a volunteer fire department practice burn of a Wiccan church.
“It was the darndest thing,” said Lundquist. “There was a stain on the floor that looked exactly like God looking over President Bush’s shoulder. I could tell it was God, because he was talking to the President. I immediately took some Polaroids to show the guys at the department.”
Lundquist then placed the floor up for auction on e-bay. Friends helped him get the item ready for the auction. It was a son-of-a-gun to get it out of the ground and onto the truck, but with the help of my neighbors and some of the other volunteer firemen we did it!”
The removal of the concrete slab and truck rental ran approximately $30,000, which Lundquist had to pay. His neighbors did not donate anything toward the expense.
“It’s OK with me,” said Lundquist, “I’m just happy that lots of people will get to see it now.” The slab was purchased by the congregation of a local Pentecostal church.
Lundquist said he plans on recouping his expense money by playing the “big” dollar slots at the nearby Choctaw Casino.
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Saturday, August 18. 2007
Now that the National Weather Service has announced “full on hurricane season,” White House sources say President George W. Bush is “like a kid in a candy store.”
Bush is reported to consider the storm season the equivalent of building sand castles on the beach and then letting the waves wash them away. Sources also say it affords the President an opportunity to become reclusive at his Texas ranch, far from the destruction of both property and lives, where he can “imagine’ that all the destruction is fictional and he doesn’t REALLY have to do anything.
“Besides,” one beltway insider said, “he’s all caught up in Jenna’s wedding plans. They say he’s planning a bachelor party like the ones back in the ‘Bama Air Guard.”
Others report a prayer breakfast is also planned after the bachelor party.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow confirmed that if Bush isn’t in Crawford, Texas, when a big hurricane hits, it’s likely he will be at Kennebunkport, boating and playing golf. Snow assured reporters that the President is never far from Air Force One, and would be able to “fly over the devastated area two or three days after the all clear is sounded; to show his concern and assess the damage.”
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Wednesday, August 15. 2007
West Dumbass Texas - President George W. Bush announced Tuesday that he is planning a summer vacation trip to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
“I’m looking forward to getting’ down there, since Cindy Sheehan won’t be around,” said Bush.
Bush said he intends to relax, reprogram his I-Pod, fish for catfish on the property, and “mess around on my tractor.”
Bush has been going to his Texas ranch several times a year since assuming the presidency. He usually clears brush, a mainstay of presidential activity since Ronald Reagan made it popular in the 1980s.“Oh, yeah, I got to clear some brush, “said the smiling president. “I clear it there, so we won’t have to clear it here.” As for sagebrush and mesquite, Bush quipped, “Bring it on!”
The President also squelched rumors that recently resigned Karl Rove would be at the ranch, orchestrating a scenario where Bush drives up to the ranch house door in his brush-clearing clothes, his pickup truck filled with illegal aliens, leaps to the ground, and declares “Mission accomplished!”
“Nah, Karl and I talked about, but we thought it would detract from the grandeur of the occasion,’ said the President.
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Tuesday, August 14. 2007
Dumbass, Texas - The Bush White House announced Monday that political advisor Karl Rove is planning to resign at the end of August. The official reason given was so Mr. Rove could spend more time with his family.
The unofficial reason, according to unnamed party sources, is rumored to be that Rove will be assigned the task of establishing an underground railroad system for Bushies to escape the country when they leave office in January 2009.
Sources say Rove has been studying the structure and methods of ODESSA, the infamous and hidden network of Nazis that was used to spirit accused Nazi war criminals out of Europe and into the Middle East and South America. Washington insiders have thought for some time that members of the Bush administration could be the subjects of the public’s wrath, should they leave office. Rove’s new network could provide an avenue to escape such fearful retribution.
Other Washington insiders have pointed out the Bushsters may not immediately need the underground escape system, since there are plans afoot to seize the US government and establishing a new system, using Juan Peron’s Argentina as a model.
President Bush’s office refused to comment on any of the speculation. When asked about ODESSA, the President remarked, “I used to listen to her all the time. You’re talking about the folk singer, right?”
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Monday, August 13. 2007
Start Today!
By admitting to the need of drug testing, we also admit that drugs do not affect the quality of one’s work. If someone is unproductive and drooling on the job, get rid of them, don’t suffer our society the indignity of exposing our genitals to strangers. And if drug use does not affect the work, it is no business of employers.
Stuck in a boring dead end job?
Want a career you can be proud of!
Want to meet new people in pleasant surroundings?
Have you no concept at all of the 4th Amendment?
Are you an out of work conservative Republican whose only skill is listening to Rush Limbaugh?
Do you enjoy looking at other people’s genitals?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions you are ready to join the thousands of Americans who have made something of themselves by becoming:
Urine Specialists!
Thousands of companies large and small, including every facet of local, state and federal government need people like you to watch other people pee! Not only do you get the satisfaction of watching strangers drop their pants or lift their skirts to fill a jar, but you get to walk around all day in rubber gloves with steaming beakers of piss!
For more information write:
Roberto Gonzales [Piss Head]
Department of Justice P-CHECK Division
Washington, DC
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Sunday, August 12. 2007
All White County, Iowa - Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney claimed victory in Saturday’s Iowa Republican Straw poll, citing the deployment of his sons in strategic positions as the key to victory.
"I placed my crack shock troops in just the right places, tactically, and that turned the tide of battle,” said Romney, known affectionately to his troops as “The Old Man.”
Romney’s sons, who maintain the daunting “Five Brothers” blog as well as serve as the advance guard for Romney’s conventional army of electioneers, were championed by their father last week for their decisions not to serve in the US military. He pointed out: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."
In civilian life the five Romney sons work as real estate developers, ad execs, and sports marketers. They say the transition to the rigorous life in the campaign army of their father has been rugged, but add that they have “truly risen to the task. “ The sons recently traveled the length and breadth of Iowa in a Winnebago RV. Said middle son Josh, “anybody that has seen “Das Boot” can relate to how arduous that kind of duty can be. “ Josh pointed out that “after eating in only 2-star restaurants and trying to sleep on bumpy roads starts to affect you psychologically.”
The senior Romney, who did not serve during the Vietnam War, heaped praise on his sons as “having the kind of real fortitude and downright courage expected by the nation’s armed forces.” He also lauded his sons for having the guts to serve in the same kind of vicious actions seen by President Bush while he served in the Alabama Air National Guard.
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Friday, August 10. 2007
 South Beach - Pundit Ann Coulter announced Wednesday that she would be traveling to Africa or Asia to adopt a child. Ms. Coulter was not specific as to which Asian country she would choose in her search.
Coulter said in a prepared press release that since she is pretty much “biologically both mother and father,” she might as well see if she can get on the "parental bandwagon."
She indicated Egypt might be a good place to start, citing the country’s history of female castration. When asked if she might be emulating other celebrities such as Madonna and Angelina Jolie, who have also gone abroad to adopt children with the expressed reason as providing a better life for the child, Coulter responded, “Heavens no! I want to keep the child for spare parts. I’m not getting any younger! Besides, it was either this or get back into dog fighting!”
Coulter has been accused in the past, by other pundits, of being a hermaphrodite, among other things.
When asked why she did not just have a child with her South Beach Gay boyfriend, Matt Drudge she deferred the question to her press agent who answered, "The last thing Ann would want is to give birth to a child who would spend its life running from an angry crowd of torch and pitchfork wielding townfolk.
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Wednesday, August 8. 2007
Washington, DC -- In a not too unexpected move, Snarl fired Smirk yesterday. The move was announced at Cheney's first ever press conference, where reporters were not allowed cameras or recorders, and had to sign an oath that they would not report the announcement for national security reasons. We only found out about this because one unnamed White House correspondent, who is right-handed, signed the oath with his left hand. We say this announcement was not unexpected, because most of us were aware that Cheney was becoming increasingly agitated with Bush's straying from White House talking points, like suggesting Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11.
Cheney, in a prepared statement said, "look, the guy's going on his regular vacation from August through December anyway, and have you any idea how many crayons he can go through in five months? We'll save dollars."
Agreeing to accept a few questions, he told one reporter that the reason the Vice-President could fire the President had already been exposed in the Washington Post article naming him as the real power in the White House. When pressed as to why Bush would accept this, Cheney asserted, "he's the one who said the Constitution is only a damn piece of paper, besides, I told him 70% of the population just wants him to go home and take the rest of his term off. I told him he'll still get paid and could go back to the ranch to drive his pickup around and cut stuff. No more reading reports, no more getting ridiculed for his public appearances. He seemed quite upbeat to be in his last throes."
Cheney was then asked if the public would accept this and without hesitation he quipped, "of course, they'll be sticking flowers up my nostrils. I have my finger on the pulse of the American public and know they want a strong leader, a King if you will, King Dick."
Asked what Bush's legacy would be he responded, "George was a good guy to go have a non-alcoholic beer with."
King Dick then excused himself from the press conference announcing he had more pressing matters to attend to, like the plans to invade Iran, North Korea, New York State and Canada.
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