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Democrats lost every issue at play in every election since 1981. A change is in order to save the Party. I submit this outline of a new party platform which is designed to win. It is a matter of six simple constitutional amendments that the Democrats could draw attention to in the political off season and use to go on to victory in the next election cycle.
ONE
Post election polling results are clear. The reason most Americans came out to vote in 2004 was because of values, and there is no doubt about what that meant this time round, Queers. In fact more to the point, going so far as to change state constitutions to explicitly deny homosexual couples equal protection under the law.
The other two values at play were the old standby that women who chose to have an abortion and their doctors are murderers, and the new one, halting research on frozen embryos to give crippled people a little hope. Kicking it to queers, kicking it to women and their doctors, kicking it to science and to cripples are all very fine American Values to be sure, but Democrats have failed to cash in on the process. So let us begin at the beginning.
Amendment #1
An American citizen will be defined as any person conceived on American soil excluding Witches and Mexicans.
Witches in America demean us all. A constitutional Amendment to deny Witches equal protection under the law is tantamount to insure a devil free Christian nation. They are in our neighborhoods, in our government and in our schools. In fact I have it on good authority that Helen Chenowith (R-Idaho) is a witch, and I have the names of 300 more witches in the US Army! Witches are fair game, for unlike queers, they actually harm the rest of us by invoking the devil to cast evil spells on us.
In the past witches were easily spotted by Pilgrims and illiterate teenage girls looking for some attention in their dreary lives, but now many work behind the scenes in Goth Culture cells. These are usually young men and women dressed in black, offset with white makeup, face studs and black lipstick. Most of these could be rounded up in one fell swoop just by following a Marilyn Manson concert tour for a few months; he is the head Witch.
Nabbing witches in the black community where they cast evil spells under the auspices of VooDoo and Kwansaa is also a sure winner. Just that alone would bring Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia and Zell Miller back into the party.
Though history shows that we here in America only dunked, tortured and hung witches, it does not mean that like our Christian forefathers in Europe we cannot burn them. As William Bennett has said, "Hanging Works", so does burning.
Adding Mexicans into the amendment is self explanatory, it keeps the Democratic hold on California while bringing in Arizona, New Mexico and Texas into the blue.
TWO
Though religious intolerance was the strongest motivator in getting people out to vote this time, there was another highly unreported issue at play. That wide swath of boxy states going up the middle of the country to include Alaska, who vote primarily regarding their often armed insurgency against environmentalism. This is mostly about those who want to use public land (our land) to turn a profit from grazing, mining, drilling and timber rights. Though these states make up a voting bloc much less than California, they are important because, well, it is a very large area where most of our rocks are kept. By the way, this election final exit map showed that our most extreme right-wing states are not Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina (60% for Bush) as one might expect, but Utah, Nebraska, Idaho and Wyoming (70% for Bush). But what they lack in rationality they sure make up for in sheer whiteness.
Amendment #2
Congress shall pass no law regulating private property or infringe upon the right to use public property by those who live somewhere nearby.
We have to understand that in the Near West any stance upon improving the environment is seen only as uppity socialist elitism and an example of The New World Order. This is much like the GOP's winning issue of ever increasing the debt and deficit to be paid by persons who come later. Perhaps a rider could be added to this amendment declaring a fetus as a person and have them start paying up from the womb. Remember, this too is values country, where families live in the here and now, tomorrow is only something on the Science Fiction Channel.
These are mostly states without any urban centers to speak of, so those with a modicum of competitiveness, average intelligence, a sense of adventure or a twinge of a cosmopolitan nature cannot just drive on down to the big city, they have to leave the state, and in many cases move many states over. Sometimes as far as the progressive metropolitan areas of Kansas City! That leaves mostly a bunch of wealthy ranchers riding around in cowshit shooting wolves, a few old farts paging through Reader's Digest on their failed farm that has become a subdivision, with the core population working at Walmart. But as the object is to turn the map blue, we should leave no nitwit behind.
THREE
This issue is connected at the core with another big one, the dire need for the appropriate weaponry to protect property from environmentalists and the Federal government. As you know, the NRA talking point for the need of assault rifles and large capacity magazines is one of parity. Our gun laws now allow ranchers, angry husbands, disgruntled employees, street gangs and Arab terrorists to have assault rifles with 100 round box clips. This easily surpass the firepower of environmentalists armed with laptops and witty T-shirts. It is even on par with the police. But going up against our troops? No way, one word, TANK.
I am sure the 2nd Amendment can hold the accompanying legislation. And there is a bonus! It creates one hell of a good political slogan for Democrats. A Spotted Owl in every pot and a tank in every garage.
Amendment #3
Congress shall pass no law restricting any citizen from bearing arms equal but not to exceed the government arsenal.
FOUR
The fourth rail concerns our nationalistic fervor to start and expand wars, especially now when we no longer care what the reasons are. We will support our troops no matter what they do, Nuremburg and the rest of the world be dammed.
We are a nation of war, in fact it has become so much a factor in our psyche that when we are not having a war, we will look for just about any excuse to start one. Historically it is what most drives our patriotism. The longest period of time we ever went without a war were those few decades between the Civil War and the Spanish American War. Looking back to that time period, I can't come up with anything that happened. Well other than killing off of all the buffalo, putting all the Indians on reservations and the advent of the Ku Klux Klan and Jim Crow.
So it is a given that we cannot win elections without posturing for war or being in one. The problem is that wars on the other side of the world get very expensive, moving all those troops and ordinance is half the cost of it. So we need to get our wars closer to home and constant.
Amendment #4
Congress shall make no war more than 2000 miles from our borders.
This leaves us with either Canada or Mexico, or perhaps New England. Canada is a socialist state that could use a good bombing, but it seems they have nuclear weapons and it is awful cold there. So it is probably best to leave them alone and just watch them very carefully. So that leaves Mexico. Our last war down that way went very well indeed. We shipped some troops to Vera Cruz, marched them over to Mexico City, and in a matter of a few days they surrendered without much of a fight at all, and we got Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California! Well we did lose a hundred guys in San Antonio who gave their lives to ensure slavery in the new short lived nation of Tejas.
The battle plan is simple enough, begin by sending a platoon down the highway to Cabo San Lucas which we already own, and then send an armored division on a slow 30 year blitzkrieg from Texas through the deserts down to Mexico City. Being the most populated city in the world, we would best be served by building a wall around it rather than including it in our social services bill. The French Air Force could fly over everyday and drop them croissants. All the desert between Texas and Mexico city could be used to relocate any Mexicans who have come too far North for their own good. Also keep in mind that Mexico and most nations further on down through South America have a good share of the world's oil. So with very little belt tightening, and perhaps some drilling on the Lincoln Mall, we could leave the Middle East behind and give our troops a slow ride down to Terra del Fuego.
The bottom line is that war is always a good idea. It keeps the populace politically engaged, dogmatically patriotic and easily manipulated towards militaristic nationalism. If we keep the war machine oiled and constantly firing, we can turn our red eyes blue in no time.
FIVE
It began in 1954 with Brown v Education causing the John Birch Society to plaster thousands of IMPEACH EARL WARREN signs across America. It proceeded with Lyndon Johnson signing the Voting Rights Act and the Civil Rights Act in 1965, before his pen was dry he said it would be the end of the Democratic Party in the South. In 1968 and 1972 Nixon and the GOP began using what they called the Southern Strategy (cuddle with racists) to win elections. In the summer of 2004 the Republican convention saw the culmination of the process in a speech by once Democrat Zell Miller of Georgia hammering in the nail once and for all.
I have always contended that the reason we do not have single payer health care, which the rest of the world has found to be the only viable system, is because most Americans do not want their tax money going to Negroes. Welfare Reform proved to be based upon that same factor. Today the debate mostly concerns Affirmative Action. Most white Americans do not like it. Their reasoning begins with the false premise that racism has been beaten, and as such, after 300 years of unfairness, let us now become absolutely fair on this one issue only. For all other forms of fairness is communism.
If you ever travel to the racist websites, whether it be the Klan, the Nations or Southern Heritage the top platform issue for a generation has been the immediate and final end to Affirmative Action, as it is in the entirety of Dixie. Democrats need to get on board.
Amendment #5
The 14th Amendment to this Constitution is hereby rescinded.
This is not as radical as it first may seem, for it is the 13th Amendment that disposes slavery and the 15th that gives all citizens the right to vote. The 14th Amendment is only a long blather of subjective mumbo jumbo regarding due process and equal protection. We in the South know about due process, its how we make a rum runner, and equal protection is having a home arsenal at least equal to that of the US Marine Corp. And anyway, its a matter of states rights. As the saying goes, as goes South Carolina so goes the South.
Rescinding just this one meaningless Amendment can only improve our lives. No need for the Patriot Act anymore, we could round up every Arabish looking person in America, lock them up and throw away the key without having to get around it by sending them to our quasi-law nation of Gauntanimo Bay. We could just build concentration camps in Columbus, Ohio. And if the Japs get out of line again, problem solved without a bunch of appeals. We hate appeals down here as much as we hate lawyers. What a boon to the fear factor, Soccer Moms could drive their Escalades with the windows down and the doors unlocked. And most importantly, we could once again put Negroes in their proper place, places we don't want to see them, like anywhere near us. Its nothing personal, its just we have a higher set of moral values than the rest of America.
SIX
Amendment #6
Congress shall pass no law allowing the government to steal our money.
And last but most certainly not least, we have to win over the true driving force of the GOP, the top 2% of the wealthy and those who support them because one day they believe they will be millionaires too! Though 98% have no chance in Hell of ever getting close. This is not geographical but includes red everywhere, even in the most blue of areas. Give those who work hard for a living giver them a $300 a year tax break while giving those who make a living on unearned income a million in tax breaks, its only fair. This is the centerfold of the win-win aspect of the Bush Administration, and end of the New Deal and progressive taxation.
Much like most Americans want to sacrifice their children to the sands of Iraq because... Because... Well because Fox News, George Bush, Rush Limbaugh and Jesus think its a good idea.
Well there you have it! The winning combination of issues to gain Democrats all branches of government into the 22nd Century!
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