Conservatively Incorrect
By Rack Jite
Copyright 2003 © by Hard Response
ISBN  0-9740125-0-5
All Rights Reserved. The publisher and author encourage copying, faxing, uploading, sending, attaching and printing individual articles only with the attribution to rackjite.com.

[This version of Conservatively Incorrect has less than half the original content. In trying to make it as “evergreen” as possible many chapters and articles have been removed as too topical of their time.] 

Preface

I suppose I can understand the selfish callous disregard of conservatives, it’s their pride in it that passes me by.  

Rackjite – 1. n. A steel pole used to pry and move heavy objects. 2. v. To pry, shift, move or horse a heavy object.

Moby Jite 

Call me Rack. Some years ago-never mind how long precisely-having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me at home, I thought I would move about a little and see the political part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off-then, I account it high time to get to my keyboard as soon as I can.

Statement of Purpose

This book was written to take a bit of satisfaction bouncing back all the mean-spirited bile conservatives dish out. The idea was acted upon in 1993 when I saw no aspect within the media pounding on conservatives as hard as conservatives pound on liberals, not even close. I’ ve often wondered why that is. I am sure the Alan Berg Syndrome (the liberal talk show host murdered by conservative listeners) has something to do with it, but considering the thickness of the conservative cranium displacing so much gray matter, it just doesn’ t do any good.

So why bother some ask? Well, other than someone having to do this dirty work, it’ s a lot of fun watching them react to a kick in the pants once in a while, for nowhere on Earth can one witness such abject hypocrisy and double standards come into play. They fall all over themselves laughing themselves silly hearing liberals called every name in the book, but when it comes back at them in like manner, and more deservedly so, they climb the walls so high they get their red ties entangled in the ceiling fan and spin ‘ round and ’round with arms and legs a flailin’ , ka-knocking their hardwood heads against the walls.

Going South

Too many of us patronize the ever-growing number of Right-wing lunatics surrounding us. We mistakenly believe they are few in number and will soon crawl back under their rocks. But sadly, they get louder, meaner, more obnoxious and stronger everyday. They feed off each other, and over this past generation have taken their dark selfish politics from the edge to the status quo. Do something about it, anything will do.

Most people from most places are mostly stupid, but there are aspects of America which single us out as being more culturally retarded than the rest of Civilization. The two most important of course, the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. These enormous geographical boundaries separate us from political systems, languages, philosophies, religions and cultures different from our own, which is most responsible for our singular cowboy parochialism.

Of course we have Canada above us, but the only noticeable difference seems to be they perpetrate less violence on each other and wear more Gortex. Below us we do have a different culture, but we don’t much care for them and do our best to either ignore them, send them packing, or pushing them behind a wall .

What conservatives have painted as a liberal socialist America is in reality the most conservative industrialized nation on Earth. We are so intellectually isolated and so singly minded provincial that as we speed ever faster to the Right, the majority chooses to believe we are moving too far to the Left. We seem to be searching diligently for that happy ideological medium between Iran and Singapore.

Years ago if you had put your ear to the ground you may have heard a steady tapping, slowly increasing in volume as conservatives manipulated the media to scare the Hell out of the American public. It used to be the bogeyman of communism as their vehicle to push their jingoism, militarism and law & order intolerance, but with the demise of the Soviet Union their tools of fear changed to exaggerated notions of unfair taxation, overstated socialism, inflated crime, meaningless homosexuality and now Islamic terrorism. We are cajoled to believe that we all need to carry assault rifles to protect us from the criminals (blacks and now Mexicans), the Socialists (liberals, unions and bureaucrats), those destroying our families (Homos) and anyone who looks Semitic. That unyielding repetition tapped out from print and airways has become the ever increasing stomp of American jackboots sounding here and abroad today.

As a liberal and proud of it, I am sick of being insulted, walked over, denigrated, blasted, libeled, intimidated, threatened and attacked in every medium that exists without hearing nary a response. Some may ask if this polemic approach does any good? I can’ t really say, but one thing is sure, whatever liberals have been doing for a generation has accomplished doodlysquat.

Progressive and altruistic ideologies once inherent to American youth have mostly disappeared, replaced by a generation weaned on the selfish callous disregard of Reaganomics, the corruption of Christianity and this seething neurotic hatred of liberals and the federal government. Most kids (well in Texas anyway) today are of little help in any endeavor other than going to state penitentiaries to drink beer and hoot and holler during executions.

So that leaves you to take up the slack. Not a lot is required, just a letter, a call, a bumper sticker on your car: anything to let the world know not all Americans are selfish little wienies whose only joy in life is to subjectively and literally whack the crap out of people. As you read on, keep in mind this is not about you, it is about all those other nitwits you must deal with in your daily trek through American life.

 The Argument

 There are three reasons to get in a political debate:  

1. To gain some degree of satisfaction by getting one’ s licks in.
2. To move others to your side.
3. To entertain and reinforce the beliefs of the like minded.

This book was conceived with the first in mind but ended up as the third. Though it is the second which is the nub of the matter. Though one wouldn’ t know it, most of my mail is very positive, a few hundred of which over the years told me reading this caused them to leave the grip of the GOP to subsequently vote for Democrats. Had they all been from Florida, Al Gore would be president.

It is important for you to find such people and engage them. Either with the help of this book or on your own. They make up about 40% of voters with no real ideological bent or party affiliation. Tens of millions of people vote for Republicans because; they always have, their family does, they think they will profit from it, and because they are not paying attention. They can be appreciably and positively affected.
If you are a liberal and want to argue with conservatives with any success, understanding of course that there is no chance in Hell of changing them, it is important to remember these four rules:

1.  Be both entertaining and humorous.

2.  Don’ t get angry.

3.  Never give them the benefit of the doubt.

4.  Stay always on the offensive.

As you have probably noticed in your own political discourse, reasoned debate does not work well on the conservative mindset. Facts don’ t count, for facts come from the media and the media is liberal, which pretty much leaves making fun of them the only other option. Of course that is problematic for many of us down here in Cracker Land where most of our family and friends are Right-wing lunatics.

I have had the best luck with two approaches. First is to keep it short; when they spout some especially onerous conservative crap a curt “Yeah, you and Tim McVeigh.” or “Indeed, you and David Duke.” or “Sure, you and bin Laden.” and then change the subject.  

The other process where I have found some success is to kindly reply to their rabid screeds with, “Gosh, every time you express any view at all it’ s either about shooting, bombing, executing, hitting, spanking, revenge, selfishness, or your endless stream of poorly disguised bigotry. All indications of humanities’ lowest roads, which most art, literature, philosophy and religion has been trying to pull us up from for millennia. I know you, you’ re better than that. You are only saying all this awful crap because you are either trying to attract attention or phis me off. Which is it?”

 Are You a Liberal?

 I’ ve been talking and typing at people for over a decade desperately trying to arrive at a timely and workable definition of liberal. Oh, I’ ve heard the official definitions thousands of times, especially the classical liberal argument of Right-wing libertarians. Well to Hell with that semantic poop playing to different times and cultures. I’ ve taken all the input I’ ve received over the years and arrived at this ten defining beliefs:

We all get one foible, but only one!