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Guns R Us

I’ve got a gun it ain’t teenie, it makes up for my little weenie

The NRA Song

Guns are neat, Guns are sweet
Guns the tool, what makes you cool.
Guns are fine, Guns are mine
Guns are things, that Jesus brings!

Guns for loonies, Guns for cons
Guns for Moonies, Guns for moms!

Guns are fun for everyone, buy them up by the ton.
Guns for me, Guns for you, Guns for nuts and children too!
Guns at home, Guns at work, Guns at play, Guns berserk!

Tons and tons of great big Guns,
Are tons and tons of great big fun!

I’ve got Guns up my nose in my ears and ‘tween my toes.
I’m no fool, I’m so cool, I take Guns to my school.
I take Guns in my car, to the store and in a bar.
I got Guns in a drawer, in my pocket and on the floor.
I got Guns on the wall, behind the sink and in the hall.

I got guns in my bed, one is growing from my head!
Get a Gun and get it fast, Gun-Gun shoot-shoot ii’s a blast!


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Never have to worry about your quarter getting bumped on a pool table again!

Available in .44 magnum, .45 and 50 caliber at Sears, Wal-mart, K-mart and at most convenience stores near you!

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25 Things Gun Nuts can do with Guns

Guns don’t kill people, bullets do

1) ARGUE about guns.
2) BUY guns.
3) CLEAN guns.
4) CONCEAL guns.
5) DREAM about guns.
6) FONDLE guns.
7) KILL ANIMALS with guns.
8) KILL OTHERS with guns.
9) KILL THEMSELVES with guns.
10) LOAD guns.
11) OIL guns.
12) PUT TOGETHER guns.
13) READ about guns.
14) REPAIR guns.
15) SELL guns.
16) SEND AWAY for guns.
17) SHOOT guns.
18) SHOW guns.
19) SLEEP with guns.
20) TAKE APART guns.
21) TALK about guns.
22) THINK about guns.
23) THREATEN with guns.
24) TWIRL guns.
25) UNLOAD guns.

The Small Arms Race

 Those who really really want a gun, are the very ones who really, really shouldn’t be allowed to have one.

The rate of people killed by accidental shooting in Washington State is 4.5 times higher than that of the 25 leading industrial nations; Washington is one of eight states where more people are killed by guns every year than in automobile accidents. The overall rate for the United States is ten times higher than any industrialized country. Gunfire is the second-leading cause of death among Americans aged 10-19. Bullets cause more deaths than all legal and illegal drugs combined.

As it concerns nations so it concerns individuals. The basis is fear and its process is an accumulation of weapons which in the end, kill millions of innocent victims. However, nations act with consensus under defined parameters while individuals do not. It is a human problem that has been with us for thousands of years, but nowhere on Earth is it as much of a problem as here in the United States. A century of a cowboy mentality, two generations of movies and television dedicated to the glory of the gun, and the NRA sending the message to millions of young people that everyone needs a handgun to be a man has certainly exacerbated the problem.

There is no single reason why Americans shoot each other at such a greater rate than in any other civilized country. A lack of gun controls, violence on television and movies, race demography, the NRA, and inadequate and misguided social programs all have their affect, but it is, more than anything else, that holdover notion of the American cowboy taming a wild frontier with a six-gun. It permeates every aspect of our lives, from children and their toy guns, to guns being surpassed only by automobiles as the most visible objects on television. Guns have a function in our adolescence rites of passage and the peer pressure of the macho mentality that revolves around them. Pour alcohol and drugs into that cauldron of our violent gun mentality, mix in racial inequality, the failure of educational and penal systems no one wants to pay for, and add an ever increasing youthful underclass so disenfranchised and hopeless that many will shoot someone in the face for no good reason. And of course not to forget the millions more just aching to blow the heads off them.

There are two great lies perpetrated by the NRA. First is the cry, “they want to take everyone’s gun away.” While state after state is now passing concealed weapon carry laws, all legislation, passed or pending, concerns restriction to purchase or carry. None is about taking anything from anyone, let alone everyone. No wonder they apply a pronoun to the non-existent.

The second even more absurd lie is that the more guns there are in peoples’ pockets, cars, and bedrooms, the safer we all are, a fallacy most often expressed by the cliché that a well-armed society is a polite society. This implies that impoliteness should be a capital crime resulting in an immediate summary execution. What a mindless unreasonable illogical vat of weasel-snot that is.

The causes of handgun-related death handgun varies little by time or region; suicides are more than half. Anger in the heat of the moment is second while criminal activity and accidents battle for third and fourth place depending upon region.

Throughout Western and Eastern Europe gas and stun guns have become the weapons of choice for some who share the same fears as we. When asking most Europeans what ends they desire regarding burglary, robbery and violence, they say they want to stop it, keep their property out of the hands of criminals and are willing to pay taxes to meet those ends. On the other hand, when Americans are asked the same question comes a loud unanimous gush of loud “Blow their #$%& heads off!” usually accompanied by sprays of spittle regarding how much they hate paying taxes. The differences are cultural, and probably depend much upon America billing itself as the most Christian nation on Earth than anything else.

When making your decision on handgun controls or “carry” legislation, wander back in life and recall all the confrontations you have witnessed or perhaps been a part of. Now ask yourself if any of those situations would have been better resolved had one or both parties a gun in their hand. It’s as easy as that to come to the truth of this matter.

Murders By Handguns

Nations with the strongest handgun control laws are; Australia, Great Britain, Japan, Canada and Sweden. Each has less than one hundred murders by handgun per year. Here in America, which has the weakest handgun controls, we have about ten thousand handgun murders a year. That’s one hundred times as many, and even with per capita adjustment, it’s always more than ten times as many. Hell, just in the state of Texas, where guns transcend even Jesus, it’s ten times the amount as many countries. In 14 states, gun deaths surpass motor vehicle deaths.

The rationale for our singular national gungoonery is that the only way to be really free is for everyone to run around with a .44 magnum. The rest of the world might adamantly disagree with that, but it makes no difference to a great many Americans who are called gunloons or gun nuts for good reason.

Mud Dumb Gun Nuts

The gun lobby pushes the white-wing theory that if enough guns are pumped into the inner cities, blacks will eventually shoot themselves out of existence.

I am a gun owner. I have two shotguns, one that is 60 years old and the other doesn’t work. Neither are semi-automatic; one a double barrel and the other a pump. Gun owners are not necessarily gun nuts. Gun nuts are those who make weapons of death the most important aspect of their politics and the primary definition of their character. Those who must show, play and talk about their weapons ad nauseam. Who reduce the constitution to only one amendment and who have had a tube of cold rolled steel protruding from the top of their heads for so long it has displaced so much brain matter they longer have the ability of rational thought.

On Wednesday afternoon, April 19th, 1995, while the rest of America was shaking their fists at “Burrheads” and “Sand NWORDS” screaming for blood and wanting to drop atomic bombs all over the Middle East, I was aware of only four individuals boldly pinning the Oklahoma blast on our own homegrown gun lunacy. Those four (myself included) had only one thing in common – a decade of time on-line seeing message bases filled with the daily rot of a seething maniacal gun nut hatred of the Federal Government so ubiquitous it even puts the intolerant mentality of the Religious Right to shame. This dominated not just part of the political discourse on the net, but the majority of it. There was no doubt in our minds of those responsible. The issues of these millions of gun nuts that led to the Oklahoma bombing are in order of importance:

An absolutist view on the 2nd Amendment and the repeal of all gun control legislation. [The gun card]

Getting the Federal government “off our backs” and giving that power back to the states. [That old States’ Rights card]

End America’s involvement internationally, primarily concerning the UN. [The isolationist card]

Reduction of taxes and the elimination of the IRS. [The selfish card]

Elimination of Welfare and Affirmative Action. [The race card]

Delusional fear of the New World Order that they define as totalitarian world communism. [The paranoia card]

Put those cards in your hand, throw out the worst one, and a six high beats the crap out of it. These are not only the core beliefs of Timothy McVeigh, the patriot militias, the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nations, but have become the very essence of the conservative ideology which has been running this nation into the ground for a generation. The “Gipper Legacy.”

Responsibility for the Oklahoma bombing lies with the individuals who did it, but they, and literally millions more like them, have been fanned into madness by the unconscionable dissemination of hatred for the United States Government by the Republican Party, the Religious Right, the NRA, Fox News, the conservative/Libertarian ideology and, most of all, hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Michael Reagan, Ken Hamblin and G. Gordon Liddy. They have taken over the radio waves to whip these mud-dumb gun nuts into a frenzy of ever-increasing Right-wing crapism.

Where does this all-consuming hatred come from? I have pondered that from my computer monitor for an hour each evening for twenty years reading all their conservative bilge. It is not so much about politics or money as it is mentality and personality. It is based more on hating liberals than any other factor, and if you doubt that, tune in Rush Limbaugh who is the de facto spokesman for the GOP and leader of the conservative movement in America. Listen and you will find that 98% of it is about insulting, denigrating and hating liberals by name and en masse.

The most telling example that this is more about personality than politics came in what is easily the most depressing exit poll I ever saw. In 1994, 38% of those voters making under $15,000 a year voted straight Republican tickets. Why?

Are these people really so stupid they think that their fears concerning their job security will be bettered by eliminating unions and collective bargaining?

Are they really so stupid they think that if the wealthy pay less in taxes they will be the beneficiaries?

Are they really so stupid they think that if they lose their jobs they will benefit from less unemployment compensation or social programs?

Are they really so stupid they believe that if they get sick and have no job they will be taken care of by Dick Cheney and Tom DeLay?

Are they really so stupid they think that if there are more people running around with more handguns and assault rifles they will be safer?

A tide of ignorance is upon the land, but I am not so pessimistic to believe that so many people can be that mud-dumb stupid. Rather it is about sorry-ass belief systems that have been ingrained into their life processes over the past generation. Parents, peers, media and religion override the effects of school and the learning process. They become locked into a belief system of selfish callous disregard, coupled with so much intolerance and cynicism they become only capable of interacting with those with similar views, choosing only to listen to what re-enforces their already arrived at conclusions, i.e., dittoheads.

When faced with contradictory notions that are at odds with their dogmatic beliefs, they lack the intellectual capacity to deal with them openly and honestly. They find their only option is to strike out, to threaten, to hit, to shoot, to bomb, to execute, to hate and to join up. For them to think it through and perhaps change means an admission that they have been living a lie their entire lives. That what they think, what they believe, what they have been, and what they are has been wrong all along. It’s an impossible position for the dull of mind and weak of character.

By now you have seen or heard enough of the patriots, militias and Tea Party to understand them as individuals. They share five universal traits. They are dumb as mud, paranoid, conspiracy-minded, consumed by hate, and, of course, their psyches constructed of cold rolled steel with the reek of gun oil and cordite. True, most are racists, sexists, homophobes, skinheads, Neo-nazis, Klansman and cult members, but that bigotry is not their defining nature. Rather, it is base ignorance and paranoia coupled with a seething hatred of the government, which here in the most conservative industrialized nation on Earth, they have absurdly defined as a liberal socialist state. What can be done about this? In a legal sense four immediate things:

1) Allow federal agencies more leeway in aspects of surveillance and infiltration in regards to groups who buy, sell and stockpile weapons of war.

2) Chemical tags, registration and notification to police agencies of purchases of ammonium nitrate fertilizers.

3) Registration of all firearms.

4) Reinstate the Fairness Doctrine in radio broadcasting, forcing at least a scintilla of political fairness over the public airwaves. After all, if we just allow money to sort it out, well-funded conservative propaganda will go the same Rightist direction forever. Requiring more speech is not denying free speech. Fairness, contrary to conservative rhetoric, is not synonymous with totalitarian communism.

These mud-dumb patriots keep yammering on about how they are saving us all from the totalitarian fascist Federal Government. Seventy years ago in Germany, there was a similar movement with similar intellectual capacities, having similar views, saying and doing similar things, and they grew to become the most totalitarian fascist Federal Government of all time. Today they are called patriots. Then, they were called brownshirts.

Ted Nugent, Disgusting Piece of Shit

Residents of homes where a gun is present are 5 times more likely to experience a suicide and 3 times more likely to experience a homicide than residents of homes without guns.


“We search everyone coming to my concerts and if they don’t have a gun we give them one.” Right-wing NRA Rock star Ted Nugent

From his best selling book, I most enjoyed Mr. Nugent’s rationalization for machine-gunning down cats and dogs on his property. He is personally saving us all from a national epidemic of distemper and rabies! That was one of the lesser issues covered, the five central themes in Nugent’s horribly written book are:

1) What a perfect, wonderful, smart, well read, God loving, patriotic, white, husband, father, musician, celebrity, and human being Ted Nugent is.

2) Only sub-human morons would ever allow drugs or alcohol to jeopardize their ability to instantly get into the defensive attack stance to shoot it out for their lives at any moment.

3) Only sub-human Marxists, socialists, and wimps would ever go out of the house without at least one fully loaded gun.

4) All problems stem from those geographical urban areas he calls “Planet of the Apes.”

5) You should immediately purchase Ted Nugent’s newsletter for your children.

There was one really insane point made in this book. In the preface he rants against Janet Reno, the Bradys, and gun control groups vehemently claiming everything they say are lies. He claims everything said against the NRA and gun ownership are lies based upon even more lies. He specifically charges that one of the biggest lies is that having a gun in the house causes more gun deaths than not having a gun in the house.

Not much later in the book he tells the story of his father driving up to a deer hunt when an unloaded rifle went off in the back seat barely missing him. A couple chapters further on he tells of how as a twelve year old playing with an unloaded rifle in his parents house, it went off and fired a round through a few walls but luckily no one was hurt. And later still he relates a more recent story about how his five year old was playing with his toy soldiers on the LOCKED gun cabinet, which contained all Nugent’s UNLOADED guns, when one of them fell out of the cabinet and fired through a few walls luckily missing the child and the the people at the party in the room below.

Nugent is about the most irrational author I have ever come across. Who would publish this bilge? Regnery Press.

Gun Country

After the first four years the Brady Bill was enacted, a quarter million felons and nuts were prevented from buying handguns.

They say that this nation was founded on guns and they are wrong. It wasn’t until after the Civil War that the gun manufacturers tooled up for mass production. Only then with great surpluses and advertising, coupled with big price drops, did our nations’ gun-gun shoot-shoot fun-fun really begin. Before that time, a gun cost more than a years salary. They rusted away without daily maintenance, and most usually didn’t work at all.

Just Say No to Guns

An estimated 70 percent of firearms used in crimes nationwide are bought at gun shows according to the Justice Department Firearms and Crimes of Violence report.

Having gone to a gun show here in Texas a few years ago, I found myself in a room full of the most disgusting people in my experience. It was the closest I had come face to face with the Klan, the Aryan Nations, and most ubiquitous of all, unreconstructed Neo-Confederates. There were so many nitwits in their camo outfits, bandoleers, shaved heads, creepy tattoos and lack of front teeth that it was obvious to me they should have gun shows with dental conventions in the same building at the same time.

The friend who dragged me there was after a Streetsweeper. So off we went through the crowd, many of whom carried assault weapons over their shoulders and handguns in hand with price tags dangling from them, selling to anyone with cash no questions asked. The crowd at the Streetsweeper booth was large, after all, what could be more gunfun than a semi automatic shotgun that fires a dozen 12 gauge shells through a big rolling drum as fast as you can pull the trigger? Big-Big-gun-gun fun-fun!

My pal, a wannabe bounty hunter who looked the part, had no trouble finding full automatic switch kits, and even someone selling silencers. There was also more hate Clinton, Schumer, Brady and Liberals bumper stickers than at a GOP convention. More than anything, these shows are meeting places for the most violent contingent of the extreme Right-wing and gang banger culture in this country.

To be fair, I must say that most of the big busy booths were run by sporting goods manufacturers and their local distributors. They make enough money day to day selling their guns and ammo that they could easily stop pandering to these Right-wing extremists and pull out of gun shows all together.

I have been debating conservatives on the net for an hour a night for most of 20 years now. About 98% of the lies, the libel, the slander, the invasion of privacy, the stalking and the death threats I have received in that time have been from gun nuts. There is something psychologically very wrong with these people; a combination of low self-esteem, paranoia, machismo, hatred, women problems and the machinery that allows them to act on their neurosis.

More important than gun control legislation (which is political suicide in most areas of this country) the majority of us should work to break the violent gun culture dominating our society. Demons should be demonized. In fact, it is no stretch to say our children are safer hanging around drunks, pot-heads, crack-heads, homosexuals and heroin addicts than gunloons.

God and Gun

The only things eternal are God, garbage and guns.

We at the Armed Inter-Christian Ministries (AIM), wishing to help win the Small Arms Race in America while adhering to the teachings of Jesus Christ, are pursuing a plan to distribute high-powered handguns, assault rifles and ammunition through every Church in America. Our premise is as literal a truth as Jonah being swallowed by a whale; that the more loaded handguns and assault rifles in bedrooms, cars, pockets, bars, concerts, sporting events, and in front of abortion clinics, the safer we all will be. Do not ever forget that Godless homosexual liberals plan to take everyone’s gun away. They must be stopped, and a gun in every Christian hand is the only way to arrive at that end. Here are our ten basic bylaws:

1) With the Federal arms license rising from a reasonable $10 to an unreasonable $600, each Christian ministry can use donated tax-free church money to get a license to acquire discount prices on all weapons for all parishioners over six years old.

2) Each Ministry will be required to read at least one NRA press release and the want-ad section of Soldier of Fortune during each sermon.

3) Utilize our roving group of Christian spokesmen like David Duke, Gordon Liddy and Charlton Heston, along with representatives from Christian organizations (including the various militias and Klans) to make guest speeches at member churches informing on who most needs shooting, and where to best shoot them.

4) Parishioners will bring their loaded weapons to all church services and functions. Bill, Hillary, and various Kennedy targets will be hung behind the pulpit. When the minister expresses any of his Christian hatred toward any of these immoral Marxists, members may fire their weapons at will into the designated target rather than just their usual foot stomping applause.

5) The gifts of the Magi in the Gospel of Matthew will be changed from “Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh to read; “Machine pistol, Black Talons and 40 Round Clips.”

6) Catholic churches choosing to join will be required to place bandoleers, handguns, and assault rifles on all representations of Christ, Saints or Virgins; including similar revision of stained glass, paintings, relics and icons.

7) Cake sales and bingo will be replaced by Make My Day gun shows and shooting competitions.

8) The letters on top of the Crucifix will be revised to read INRA.

9) The Sixth Commandment will be changed to read: “Thou shalt not kill unless you are doing God’s work.”

10) The Beatitudes of Christ will be stricken from the New Testament; after all, peace, love, tolerance, forgiveness and selflessness are liberal traits that are responsible for the destruction of America.

Remember, as Christ taught, we need the biggest guns we can carry and not be afraid to shoot first and ask questions later.

War on Guns

“You don’t look so bad, here’s another” NRA hero Bernhard Goetz standing over Darrell Cabney and shooting him in the back.

We hear a lot about Marilyn Manson being responsible for our mad shooters. We used to blame Elvis, The Beatles, the Stones, Ozzie, Twisted Sister and Judas Priest for one thing or another, but we don’t hear much about blaming Ted Nugent who not only owns and operates a machine gun theme park, but promotes an obscene degree of animal killing gungoonery to millions of drunken drug-enabled nitwits attending his concerts.

Forget Stallone, Eastwood and Swartznagger; John Wayne has promoted more violent gungoonery to children than all the rock and rap bands put together. Why not go after John Wayne? Hell, he’s worse than Bill Clinton, he dodged the good war in WW2. And how about the hundreds of White Supremacist bands we hear nothing about?

In the lee of the Columbine tragedy, America seems to be finally coming to terms with the truth of the matter. Sure, we can reasonably point fingers at parents, schools, movies, drugs, Prozac, television and rock and roll, but the weight of the blame must be put upon the shoulders of the NRA who perpetuate and celebrate our culture of violent gungoonery.

The NRA can play the game of hiding behind their absolutist view of the 2nd Amendment, but that’s not where they’re at. They are sociopaths who believe that the havoc and death their gungoonery causes, is an acceptable result of the joy they take in playing with guns.

Mayhem in Littleton

“Shooting teaches young people good things. All good rules for shooting are good rules for life.” Celebrity gun nut Tom Selleck.

I’m trying to remember the good rules for shooting. I guess the main two are; consider all weapons loaded and don’t point a weapon at anyone unless you intend to use it. Well it sure seems Harris and Klebold followed Tom’s advice to a tee.

You know of course what the NRA response to Columbine is. If Colorado had a concealed weapon law someone would have shot the boys and the damage would have been minimal. It was reminiscent of that famous All in the Family episode when Archie got on TV to make a citizen response. He looked right in the camera and said that the way to solve airplane hijacking was to issue revolvers to all passengers as they got on the plane. Back then we laughed and thought that was about the funniest thing we ever heard. Today there are millions of paranoid gun nuts who actually believe that to be “the logical solution.”

What makes Columbine different from all our other school shootings is that the perpetrators had the balls to go down with it. What makes it all the same, is the common denominators: White, male, outsiders and the gungoonery. Being white and male is immutable which nothing can be done about, and being an outsider cannot be addressed by legislative policy. This leaves only one issue that can be dealt with in a reasonable manner in a reasonable amount of time; dampen the conservative ideology driving the NRA gungoonery. In the short run, reduce the numbers and availability of guns in our society. In the long run, excise the gun mentality from our psyches. Though viable responses, both are improbable here in the United Gun Nuts of America.

Ten Reasons Kids Kill Kids

“Y’all are already bad enough without guns in your hands!” The consummate Black Grandmother of the House, Carrie Meek (D-FL), shaking her finger at the Right side of the isle during the Assault Weapon Repeal debate resulting in the most boisterous applause of the day.

10) Violence in Music.

9) Violence in video games.

8) Violence on television.

7) Violence in movies.

6) Violence in the reality of war.

5) Violence in the reality of the death chamber.

4) Spoiling kids rotten.

3) The nasty exclusion of the outs by the ins.

2) Mental illness.

1) NRA promotion of the American gun culture

A few questions to ponder regarding all that:

How many kids are killed by joysticks, keyboards or a mouse?
How many kids are killed by a CD or a jewel case?
How many kids are killed by a reel of film?
How many kids are killed by television sets?
How many kids are killed by bullets?

The Oklahoma Bombing

Profiles of Timothy McVeigh’s life show in order of importance; his obsession with guns, his military failure in becoming a Green Beret, his rage at the federal government for Waco and Ruby Ridge, his obsessive viewing of the movie “Red Dawn” and always washing his dishes.

In the days after the Oklahoma bombing the debate areas of the Internet were filled with some of the most disgusting messages I had ever seen. Many congratulatory, some saying not enough ATF agents were killed, advocating more of the same and many posting formulas for bomb makers. Those messages were not only indicative of the mentality of a large portion of the electronic medium, but this nation as well. It stems from fear turned to hate (mostly concerning jobs, wages and failures with women), by conservative politicians pandering that fear to the ignorant mob and conservative talk show hosts out to reap as much profit with as little responsibility as possible. The results are there to see: Waco, Ruby Ridge, shooting up the White House, the Oklahoma bombing and more of the same to come. It is not a few hundred or a few thousand as the media has us believe, but millions of ignorant paranoid little men, smothering themselves in guns to compensate for the fear which has been drilled into them by the Republican Party.

It is based on a myth. The myth that this country is no longer free because we can’t buy 17 of 700 semiautomatic weapons, that minorities and women have it better than white males, that crime has risen to unheard-of heights, public education has failed, that government doesn’t work and we are horribly and unfairly taxed.

That is all crap. We have less gun control than anywhere, white males are far ahead of Blacks and women in every context, crime rates have been going down and has been a percentage point within what it ever was, the vast majority of schools are doing fine, the government works, and we are the least taxed nation in the industrialized world. But it makes no difference, conservatives will manipulate the data to splash the fear and loathing across the land for as many votes and bucks they can. They must attack any demonstration of compassion or tolerance from any liberal still standing. It’s the nature of the Beast.

If you decide to bomb a federal building, be sure to make a smart McVeigh getaway. Use a car with no plates, go well over the speed limit and keep a 9mm automatic handgun filled with Black Talons on the seat next to you so if you do get stopped in Oklahoma, you will seem normal.

Revolting Guns

In the 1939 case, U.S. v. Miller, the Supreme Court found that possession of a firearm is not protected by the Second Amendment unless it has some reasonable relationship to the preservation or efficiency of a well regulated militia. No gun control law brought before the Supreme Court or other federal courts ever has been overturned on Second Amendment grounds.

If it could be done (which it can’t) I would like to see the elimination of all handguns and any long gun that can fire more than three rounds. They weren’t even that far when the 2nd Amendment was written, and it still allows real Americans to hunt and defend themselves from Negroes, Arabs and Liberals.

But it is the third issue, behind hunting and self-defense that is the Jim Dandy of them all. They want their handguns and assault rifles for the coming revolution to overthrown the stinking liberal socialist government. How far does one lead an F-16, a B-52 or an artillery shell with a pistol? Where exactly is the best place to aim at an Abrams A1 tank or a battleship with an M-16?

Revolutions are not supplied from gun shops but from ship containers full of armaments from other nations and dependent upon which Armies go to what side rather than what can be bought at gun shows. Which brings up another point. I would like all gun shows made illegal. For if you have ever gone to one, you know they are the hottest breeding ground for the most violent Right-wing extremists in the land.

Noisy Desperation – The American Militia Movement

These loons have so much guns and ammo on the brain that the lead content in their heads is dragging them down so far they’ll soon need a new planet with less gravity to keep their faces out of the dirt.

When it comes in adolescence, hormone activity amplifies it to laughable extremes; stupid haircuts, stupid clothes, and crappy music. But when it comes at the onset of middle age, though not quite so visually extreme, it is laughable all the same.

What comes next? That noisy desperation many suffer to the meaninglessness of it all; that having peaked at the starting gate and seeing it now as only a downhill roll, they join a militia. It’s the first step in the 12 Step Militia program, “My name is Bubba, and I’m a moron.”

Fans of King of the Hill get to see a militia moron once in awhile in the character of Dale Gribble, but only a few (like me) get to see them crawling all over the internet all the time. Of course they will not come out and admit what they are, but it’s an easy call no matter.

So here they are, people who have very low self esteem and want more than anything else to be respected. To gain that respect, they yammer out some of the most inane Right-wing conspiracy crap you ever want to hear. Adults whose favorite game is dressing up like the soldiers they never were and playing with assault rifles on weekends. Though it sounds ludicrous, this form of self-help actually works. They do gain respect, respect of thousands of other Right-wing morons whose favorite pastime is dressing up like the soldiers they never were and playing with assault rifles on weekends. There are millions of them.

The NRA Mantra

In just one year the NRA spent $50 million to tell kids that playing with guns is a more important constitutional right than the freedom of speech or voting.

The tiresome mantra of the NRA is that all we need to do is enforce the 20,000 existing gun laws now on the books. First of all, those 20,000 laws are mostly the same laws just added up from individual states and communities; so divide that figure by at least 50. Of the few hundred gun laws left many include hunting laws involving the ecology of lead shot, chamber plugs and so on. Hell, how many gun control laws can there be in Texas when the Governor just signed a bill allowing anyone to pack a gun in church? I’m not kidding.

But the big story concerning this is again the abject hypocrisy of these conservative gun nuts. Enforce the laws? Like we did in Waco and Ruby Ridge? What a hoot! When existing laws were enforced in those places the NRA and their minions went ballistic. The ATF and FBI are jack-booted thugs! Our government is a fascist state run by Marxists in the White House! Blow up a big federal building! Give Randy Weaver $3 million dollars for killing a cop! Help the Davidians sue the government because they killed four cops and wounded 20 others! Million Mom March my ass! We need a Million Mom NRA Ass Kicking.


From my dark side comes a thought. If one happens to be set upon suicide forget Kevorcian, just get on down to the gun store with a round in hand. Ask to see a matching caliber handgun, put round in chamber, lay head on the glass counter, put gun to temple, point it down; make a big mess and a big statement simultaneously.

Most gun nuts are immune to any logical argument regarding their neurotic passion for high power weaponry, but there are a good share of those who have unwittingly fallen under the spell of the NRA. These people can be swayed to look at reasonable gun controls in a reasonable matter. Here are ten questions to ask such people in that endeavor:

1) How often to you find that you can’t wait three days to shoot someone?

2) Do you believe that Jim Brady, who was shot in the head during an assassination attempt of President Reagan, is really the spawn of Satan?

3) How often do you find yourself in need of a 40 round clip?

4) How often in your life have you found the need to buy more than one gun a month?

5) How often do you move across state lines to buy and sell guns?

6) How often to you find yourself without enough time to remove a trigger lock before shooting someone in your home?

7) Do you honestly believe that the NRA is a source for honest information?

8) Do you understand that the NRA is the most powerful extremist conservative political lobby in America?

9) Are you a felon or have you been forcibly institutionalized by the state?

10) When you are done porking your sister at a New Years Eve party, do you really need to wrap yourself in a Confederate flag to stagger outside and shoot your gun in the air?


Twelve times more children are killed by guns in America than in the other 25 industrial countries combined says the Violence Policy Center.

What are the common denominators concerning our recent rash of gun-gun shoot-shoot violence? There are only three truly inclusive traits:

1) Male
2) Unhappy and angry (usually because of women)
3) A neurotic attraction to firearms.

Most of us wish to put the responsibility of our violent gun culture on the back of movies, music, sex, computer games and of course not enough Jesus in our lives. None of which has much to do with it at all. Being male is immutable so nothing can be done about that. Being unlucky in love is beyond policy. Pretending it is lack of Jesus in our government is meaningless jingoism for we are the most Jesusfied nation in the industrialized world, and blaming it on the arts only defeats our 1st Amendment rights.

That leaves us with only one issue to address; the crazy-ass Republican sponsorship of all this NRA gungoonery at play to the darkest areas of the human heart, violence and revenge. So let’s all get to work on correcting that problem right away. And good luck!

So what options are possible? After decades in this debate I can see only one answer, one that is the most reasonable to all concerned: Licensing all firearms purchased and possessed. Of course the NRA extremists will scream bloody murder and perhaps blow up a building or go on a shooting rampage, but it is a workable solution.

Though it is somewhat of a cop-out for gun control advocates by not actually addressing the violence, it does at least give the rest of us a modicum of security knowing that it will help law enforcement better find whatever armed criminals or terrorists need rounding up. Registration does not butt heads with the 2nd Amendment for the regulated phrase, it takes no one’s gun away, and it is fully in tune with the NRA constantly tossing out their argument about Switzerland where everyone has a gun. Guns are not only registered there, but the owners are members of the Swiss militia reserve. Also keep in mind that the NRA clamors loudly for concealed carry laws which all require registration. A nominal registration fee could be used for gun safety classes and to victims of gun violence. There really is nothing wrong with this idea at all other than having to deal with the NRA who has bought off most of congress. But perhaps this idea has common ground enough to take them on. The people vs. the NRA in a winner-take-all cage match.

And one more control. No sales of guns from gunshows. A 13 year old with a FK YOU tattoo on his forehead can buy a case of UZIs at a gunshow.