High Level Hummers
I have noticed that the black community is more unified in defending the president over this than any other issue I can recall. I guess it’s because a BJ here or there is the least of their worries.
Is BJ supposed to be capitalized? I think the Republican Party who brought BJ’s into every home in America should let us know. Perhaps a party platform position, pontificating at great length upon the ups and downs, the in and outs, the back and forths, the yin and yanks, and slurp and sucks of what every American needs to know about bjs and the proper language thereof. Perhaps a Kathleen Parker column is in order. Though I am sure Maureen Dowd would be a lot more fun.
While you’re sitting in the Oval Office, an attractive young lady enters and asks, “BJ, Mr. President?” One of two immediate actions come to mind; push the Bimbo button, dropping the lady down the chute to the waiting Bimbo truck; or, push the Lock All Doors button there next to the Destroy the World button (making sure to aim properly). The sad truth is, it’s a tough call for the majority of men.
[Andy Rooney mode on]
Have you ever noticed that it always seems like the people who have their noses in other people’s pants are usually uglier than I am? Have you ever noticed that those who are too ugly to have sex themselves get their snoots in a snit over other people having sex? Have you ever noticed how bitter so many ugly people are because there is nothing they can do about being discriminated against in the area of social interaction? Have you ever noticed that all those school bullies in your childhood were not only big, but ugly? How about the Ku Klux Klan? All the ones I’ve seen are so ugly they wear bags over their heads. How about all those people hitting each other on the Jerry Springer Show? They all seem to be ugly, don’t they? I don’t know about you, but I think we would all be a lot better off if ugly people just kept their mouths shut.
[Andy Rooney mode off]
The Scumbag Party (formally the GOP) Brings Blowjobs, Hard-On Lean, and Peckertracks into Every Home and Classroom in America
All honorable men of good character who may be lucky enough to get a BJ not only refrain from pointing the finger, but lie about it if asked.
From this day forward in America, any man lucky enough to get a BJ knows to pull the shades; for there is probably a Republican outside peeking in the window.
To Hell with sanitizing this crap; they want it, so let’s be honest with ourselves and each other and use the words of the real world here. I want to personally thank the Republican Party for allowing (or forcing) us to speak plainly to these matters. Since this is what they want to talk about, damn if I’m not going to take them up on it.
Thanks to their skanky, vindictive, political smear machine, the GOP (who get their buns in a knot over sex education) have relentlessly brought forced sex education not only into the living rooms of every family in America, but into our classrooms as well. There is no getting away from it; television, radio, and the covers of almost every newspaper and magazine in America show it. It’s the Republican party’s way of making sure the world knows that indeed, we are the United Buffoons of America.
The GOP has relentlessly pushed this into our national debate, causing our children to ask questions; primarily what is oral sex? Which, in turn, brings up other philosophical questions: What’s better, an attempted bj or a presumed bj? Is swallowing the best way to keep peckertracks off one’s dress? When the president of the United States gets a hard-on, which way does it lean? What are sluts and bimbos, and why is the president attracted to them? We have to answer these questions for our kids. The Republicans have shoved it in our faces mercilessly for years on end, so why don’t we let it all hang out and give our young people the answers in a language they can understand.
“Son, I know you’re only eight, and even though it’s fun playing around in my head trying to explain this all to you in highbrow medical terms, the Republicans want sex education forced upon you. So here it is.
“Oral sex is commonly called a bj. It’s when someone puts someone else’s pee-pee in their mouth and sucks on it. There is a Republican newspaper called the American Spectator that said a lady, Paula Jones, did that with the president. She is the lady the Republicans bring on TV all the time; you know, the one with the braces, the big nose, and the scraggly hair. She says she did not give the President a bj even though she says he showed her his pee-pee and asked for one. She says his pee-pee got big, which is commonly known as a hard-on, and that the President’s hard-on leans a certain way. So she got mad that the Republican magazine said she did something she did not do, and so she wants the president to give her $2 million because the magazine lied about her. I know, I know, it’s hard for even me to understand. Suffice it to say that’s what is called Republican politics.
Then another girl named Monica Lewinsky said in court she did not give the president any bjs. But a Republican lady named Linda Tripp put a tape recorder in her pants and got the girl to say she did give the president bjs. The Republican lady gave the tape recording to the Republican police, who hate the president very much because he is a popular Democrat, and they want to destroy him so he can’t be president any more and they can throw him in jail. So the Republican police put a tape recorder in the Republican lady’s pants again and had her talk to the girl and try to get her to say she gave the president bjs. The head Republican policeman, Ken Starr, is trying to destroy the president because the Republicans in the government told him to.
Anyway, when someone gets a bj, a little while later the hard-on squirts some stuff out that isn’t pee-pee; it’s what makes babies. But that is a whole other story that I intend to have some Republican come by and explain to you tomorrow. The Republicans said that stuff squirted on the girl’s dress, so they had the Republican police run to her apartment and get all her dresses. When that stuff gets on other stuff they call it peckertracks. So the Republicans are checking it out to see if the peckertracks are the president’s. They can tell because Republicans like playing with peckertracks and know all about such things.
Monica seems to have given lots of people bjs lots of times. That makes her a slut. A slut is a name for women who have sex with lots of men. When a man has sex with lots of women he is called cool, unless he is a president who is not a Republican. There was another girl the President got bjs from before he was president; her name was Gennifer Flowers. She was a slut too, as was Paula Jones. It doesn’t matter if any of these sluts are telling the truth or not, because they will all get lots of money to be on television, write books, or have their pictures taken with their clothes off.
I am not sure what the lesson is here that the Republicans want me to pass on to you. With their fixation on bjs, perhaps they want me to explain the bj philosophy. Okay, here it is.
Girls go through the trouble of giving boys bjs because boys like it a whole lot, and girls are nice enough to give guys what they like a whole lot. So always be nice to girls and you might get bjs when you grow up. But if you do, please remember the lesson we have just learned. Always make sure all the doors are closed and the curtains drawn, for there may very well be a Republican peeking in the window. But one thing I am sure of; a bj is better than a suspected bj, a presumed bj, half a bj, or no bj. I have now performed my duty Republicans have required all parents in America to do (and lots of phised off schoolteachers too I hear). Now go out and play. And oh, don’t get any on ya.”
Hummers in the News!
It seems getting BJs makes for good presidents. Perhaps it should be a requirement of office. In fact, maybe we should strap a pair of kneepads on Monica and after she’s done with Cowboy George we can send her to the Middle East.
The world hasn’t talked so much about bjs since Linda Lovelace came on the scene a generation ago. At that time it was very good for all concerned, especially men. Even for Ms. Lovelace, who subsequently found the Lord and now floats around in happy Jesus land.
This time, The Lewinsky made the world even better. Studies in the years following the impeachment have found that the number of teenage girls doing The Lewinsky has almost doubled.
As usual, the Republican Party has managed to get this all wrong as they do most everything. Blowjobs are safer than coitus; they reduce unwanted pregnancies, abortions, and STDs. And most importantly, they improve the mental health of millions of men, which in turn causes less depression, less macho gungoonery, and a reduction in domestic violence. [Note: BJ’s are not as safe for the ladies as for the men.]
The reason Republicans have won the political battle in America is because they will go to nastier, smarmier lengths than Democrats will. That must be changed.
You know, after watching Kenneth Starr speak not long ago, I could not but help notice his effeminate manner. As such, let’s not waste time investigating how many BJ’s he has received, but rather how many he has given. Let’s talk about this as a nation.
Principles Trump Values
“Privacy: the right most valued by civilized men.” Justice Brandies
That old rockabilly tune by Hank Williams runs through my head every time I hear about this scandal: Mind Yer Own Business. That was fine for the Fifties, but for the present it needs a bit more zing. How about Mind Yer Own Frigging Business Pal?
When Marsha Lewis (Monica Lewinsky’s mother) was put in the witness box and asked about her daughter’s sex life, she absolutely should have answered, “Mind yer own friggin business, pal.”
When Sidney Blumenthall was put in the box and asked what reporters he talked to, he absolutely should have answered, “Mind yer own friggin business, pal.”
When employees of a bookstore were asked what books Monica Lewinsky bought, they absolutely should have answered, “Mind yer own friggin business, pal.”
When Clinton mistakenly decided to testify in the Paula Jones suit, he should have walked into the room, looked at Starr, and said, “Mind yer own friggin business, pal,” and walked out.
And so should have every person called by Kenn Starr who was asked any question about sexual conduct between two consenting adults. It’s about principles. We have become a nation of squealers, either for political gain or to save our own skins at any cost.
Who will stand up and do the right thing these days? Who will do the right thing and take the consequences for it? Back in the early 50s during the McCarthy era, hundreds stood up to this kind of crap and took their hits. Back in the 60s, thousands stood up to this crap and took the consequences. But only one has during this witch hunt, Susan McDougal, who got two years in the slammer for it
You know, if Kenn Starr was doing this to Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, or perhaps even George Washington, any of them might very well have walked into Starr’s office and shot him through the heart to the applause of the nation. Ah, the good old days.
Sex Scandals Not About Sex!
The big mistake Bill Clinton made was showing up for the Paula Jones civil suit. I’ll bet that wasn’t Hillary’s idea.
Trying to bounce Bill Clinton out of the ‘92 primaries over Gennifer Flowers was not about sex? Paula Jones’ accusations were not about sex? Kathleen Willey’s accusations were not about sex? Monica Lewinsky was not about sex? Come on, it’s not only about sex, that’s all it’s about.
95% of the issues the religious right slobbers over are about sex: Abortion, homosexuality, sex education, birth control, promography, Hollywood, the NEA, censorship, and even evolution. In fact, the only issues they have that are not explicitly about sex are prayer in school and vouchers. And even those both have their roots in sex, for the object is to take control of education and then deny kids any information about sex, or birth control, instead feeding them propaganda on abortion and homosexuality.
Conservatives base their entire political philosophy on what they call values, whether it be American values, traditional values, moral values, family values, or Christian values, it’s really all the same. Such broadly defined adjectives fail to actually get to the core of what it’s about: sexual values.
Broken Women & Alan Dershowtiz
“This is not about politics.” Kenneth Starr telling what is probably the biggest lie ever told.
In judicial hearings during the impeachment process, the GOP presented two women (Using women to push the conservative agenda is the GOP’s central PR game in the 90’s) who were destroyed by getting caught in the middle of the issue Republicans want us to think this is about: the rule of law. VA psychologist Dr. Barbara Battalino gave a BJ to a patient and college basketball coach Ms. Parsons had a lesbian affair with a student player. Both women, about as bitter and broken as it gets, claimed that their embarrassment and loss of careers were the best thing that ever happened to them. Gosh… “Hit me in the nose with that hammer again, Barb, it feels so good!.” Again I have to hail the only hero in all this: Susan McDougal, who stood up to this Right-wing crap and took her licks.
But the big story was Alan Dershowitz, who let Hyde and company have it with both barrels. His gist was: Why, if they are so concerned with the rule of law, do more than 100,000 police officers commit felony perjury each year regarding the Fourth Amendment (bearing false witness, the most serious aspect of perjury), with all the prosecutors, judges, and Republicans looking the other way? And at the same time they go after one Democrat for the least serious case of perjury; saving embarrassment over a consensual sexual affair in a civil suit? Why? I’ll tell you why; because of a group of conservative lunatics running the House of Representatives who are so consumed with their hatred of President Clinton that they have rejected common sense, common decency, logic, and the well-being of this nation to destroy him.
When any conservative begins whining about Clinton’s sex life, be sure to remind them that both Ronald Reagan and Pat Robertson married pregnant women.
The House Committee on Un-American Sexual Activities
Joe McCarthy was finally forced to stop his witch hunt because he had to answer to the Senate. Little crap Ken Starr answers to no one.
“Are you now, or have you ever been, the provider or recipient of a bj? I have a list of names! Names of over one million people in the united states government who have had or given bjs!”
“Senator, Senator, have you no decency!”
Indeed, sexual McCarthyism is upon us. In fact, it is the impetus of this entire impeachment fiasco. Bob Livingston resigned not because of ethical reasons, but because when he was found out as an adulterer the real power in the GOP, the Religious Right, withdrew support. The well-played game of trying to force the president to follow with his resignation was a secondary ploy.
Tom DeLay crying in the Well for “poor Bob Livingston” was one of the most obnoxious things I have ever witnessed. Tears were streaming down his face for “poor Bob’s” family who were so unjustly treated regarding his personal life. What about Clinton’s family you hypocritical little knothead?
The podium pounded with cries of “honor in resignation.” If that were truly the case, Henry Hyde should have resigned after he was found to have conducted a 6-year adulterous affair. So at the very least, we can say that Bill Clinton not resigning means he is at least as honorable as Henry Hyde.
A bunch of anual-retentive, pseudo-Christian Republicans in the House of Representatives whom I refuse to name (okay, Tom DeLay, Newt Gingrich, Dick Armey, Bob Barr, Lindsey Graham, and Henry Hyde) dirtied the presidency, dirtied the Congress, dirtied themselves, dirtied this country, and made us a laughing stock to the entire world as no one has been able to do before. Well done boys!
Wrong Words
I think that any man who manages to become the most powerful person in the world should get all the BJs he wants.
Can I say “everyone”? Yes, I think for the first time the all-inclusiveness actually applies. Everyone is using the word reprehensible to describe the BJs President Clinton received from Ms. Lewinsky in the oval office. Everyone also seems to accept the lie that all these shenanigans took place in the Oval Office.
You know, none of the sex went on in the Oval Office at all. It was in the coffee-klatch hallway/bathroom area between the Oval Office and the president’s study. Even more startling than the universal acceptance of that lie is the acceptance of an even bigger one. Republicans and the vast majority of the media (with Tim Russert the most grievous offender) have changed one of the five most historic presidential quotes in American history. The president said, and all of us saw him say, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Most of the world, and most of the dictionaries, define sexual relations as coitus and intercourse. This would make the president’s quote true, can’t have that! So right in front of all of us, they changed it to read, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Both the media and the GOP have doctored one of the most widely heard quotes ever uttered for their own political ends, to slap a liar status on the president and run him out of town. Another little-known fact from the Starr Report is that there were nine oral encounters, seven of which were stopped before the usual ending by the president. I know that takes far more will power than I possess (and I bet, more than most men possess).
Selling missiles to Iran to fund the murder of thousands of people in Nicaragua is reprehensible. That turkey shoot of the Iraq forces running home on that road out of Kuwait, killing thousands, was reprehensible. Bill Clinton taking a break from his NH primary to run back to Arkansas to sign execution papers on a seriously retarded man was reprehensible. Cowboy George executing more than 200 people in Texas and starting World War III is reprehensible. This GOP witch hunt into the private sexual life of the president is reprehensible. But a married man getting a BJ from a butt-flashing Bimbo begging to give him one? No. More honest words for that would be; wrong, typical, reckless, foolish, expected, normal, human, weak, dumb, and fun!
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Linda Tripp, One Stinky Rat
“She’s, so cold, she’s so cold, she’s so goddamn cold, like an ice cream cone!” She’s So Cold Rolling Stones
The first thing I came to understand regarding Linda Tripp in her various interviews, was why she is divorced. Gosh, there’s a real no-brainer. Try as I might, I can’t come up with anything nice to say about her at all. In fact, I don’t think I have heard anyone from any side say anything nice about her. What we learned is that she is as cold as ice and that no amount of PR work and makeovers can make a pig fly.
In all her interviews she failed miserably with the big question. When asked why she betrayed a friend with a tape machine Tripp told Larry King that she made the tapes (and Monica saved the dress) because they both believed the president was going to have them murdered. Yeah, right. I have to wonder why her handlers pushed her out to the media. It was doomed to failure no matter what she said. But I suppose it was to gain enough exposure to find at least one Right-wing sugar daddy to flip for her legal fees.
Linda Tripp was a Bush political appointee who the Clintons decided to keep on the White House staff rather than throwing her fat, ugly ass out the door as they should have. After spying on the Clintons, doing her illegal wiretaps, and causing the impeachment of the president of the United States, the Clintons still kept her on. They did send her over to the Pentagon where she collected $100,000 a year for doing nothing other than showing up on occasion. She has initiated two lawsuits: one against Bill Clinton for letting her go (reassigning her to the Pentagon) and another against the Pentagon for releasing her employment salary record in Stars and Stripes. Linda Tripp is suing the United States military. Lucky for her it wasn’t President Andy Jackson she ratted out, for he would have shot that rat-faced piece of human crap between the eyes on day one.
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Vote Republican!
Ronald Reagan tried to dismantle the Department of Education, fought an illegal war in Nicaragua, put the GOP into the hands of the Religious Right, made the rich richer while making the poor poorer, promoted greed and selfishness over community and volunteerism, increased our national debt by over 300%, and stole the credit for ending the cold war from Gorbachev. But because no one accused him of having sex with anyone, he’s a great president.
Ladies! Do you want your Republican acquaintances wearing microphones and asking who you blew? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Ladies! Do you want your Republican girlfriends giving tape recordings of what you said about who you blew to the authorities, who then subpoena you to a grand jury to name names or else be shackled and thrown in prison? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Ladies! Do you want prosecutors forcing you to testify to a grand jury on what you know about who your daughter blows? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Ladies and gentlemen! Do you want Ken Starr and the GOP tapping your phone, ransacking your closets, and peeking in your windows? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Ladies and gentleman! Do you want what you say in private to be recorded and put on the front page of newspapers and magazines? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Ladies and gentleman! Do you want to lose your job or be thrown in jail for sexual acts you and a consenting adult do in private? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
Gentlemen! Do you want to have to spend a fortune in bug-sensing equipment and hire a lawyer before you ever have sex again? VOTE REPUBLICAN!
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The NEW Eternal Triangle
If you want to go back in time and see great literature deal with all this vindictive Rule of Law crap concerning the impeachment, go read Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables
Bill Clinton didn’t lie, he played with legal semantics to try and deny adultery. Imagine, if you will, an important married man who suffers some amount of stress in the job and discord in his marriage. An attractive young woman, all heady in the presence of such power wants to blow herself to the top. They come together at the right time in the wrong place. The married man has relieved some of his stress and had a swell time. The young girl got her 15 minutes and had a swell time. And life went on pleasantly for all concerned.
Enter the conservative Republican (you see where this is going), who butts into the relationship under the guise of the federal government and threatens the young woman with years in prison unless she tells them explicitly what went on between herself and the married man. Being a young woman without much sense, she spills the beans. The married man, as all married men will, denies it as best he can, but the conservative Republicans come at him from every possible direction in such relentless persecution that he becomes overwhelmed and eats the beans. And life goes on with hundreds of people ruined by subpoenas, a marriage and family torn apart, a young woman forever brandishing the scarlet “A” conservatives branded her with, a taxpayer bill of around $100 million, and sending our country to its knees in embarrassment. And what is still the central rallying cry of conservatives? “Get the federal government out of our lives!” Nothing could be more hypocritical than that.
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Circus of the Century
Between 1980 and 1989, 138 appointees of the Reagan administration either resigned under an ethical cloud or were criminally indicted, the most from any administration in history.
As the impeachment moved from topical to historical, it becomes clear that the federal government (in the form of the Republican party and Ken Starr) made the highest level of intrusion into our American concepts of liberty and freedom on record. By ordering Monica Lewinsky to either tell who she blew or send herself and her mother to prison, the GOP went over the top and should have all been run out of this country on a rail.
I suppose Ruby Ridge and Waco may come to mind as greater atrocities, but the first was about the sale of sawed-off shotguns (a felony) and the second about making machine guns and hand grenades (also a felony), with both killing federal agents. Even Kent State had the specter of arson and throwing rocks at police.
Monica’s oral favors were not a crime of any sort to any degree. Her eight-hour interrogation without representation; complete with coercion, intimidation, and threats by a roomful of Republican lawyers, was so beyond the pale that America cannot with a straight face ever lecture anyone or any nation about freedom and liberty ever again.
To top it off, that state intrusion resulted in what will easily be considered the biggest political circus in American history. In fact, I can’t think of anything that even comes close. Well, other than the incident just two years later, when the same Republican party had the candidate with the least votes appointed president by the Republican wing of the Supreme Court.
This nation should never forget the names of those who put us through the most embarrassing time of our collective lives: Starr, Gingrich, Hyde, Barr, Hutchensen, Graham, Olsen, Tripp, Goldberg, Limbaugh, Drudge, Jones, and the entire Republican party.
What politician was honest enough to stand up and tell it like it was; that government intrusion into consensual oral sex should be addressed with a spit in the eye? I’ll tell you how many: None. Who, from any party, from any newspaper, from any network or any location, had the balls to speak out? I can only think of three; a clown television commentator (Geraldo), a promographer (Flynt), and Susan McDougal.
I am now hearing not a few from the left side of the media admonishing themselves for blowing so much wind into the calliope of that circus of the century, but how long will it be before the people of this country get it? Considering that in just two years Cowboy George has lost this country almost ten trillion dollars, turned the surplus into a deficit, wound the debt up rather than down, taken almost half their savings and retirements, started three wars with perhaps a few more in the making, put us in a state of perpetual martial law, and has yet to speak for more than 20 seconds without saying something stupid, and that we’re still giving him 70% positive ratings, I guess we have a very long way to go. I would guess it’ll take about the same time it took the Catholic Church to accept Copernicus and Darwin. So give me a call in 2103 and let me know how it turns out.
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Character Matters
“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.” Oscar Wilde
When the Government subpoenas an adult in either a civil or criminal case and asks them who they have had consensual sex with, it is the responsibility of every American of good character to stand up, work up a big green hocker, approach the questioner, and spit in their eye. This includes police, prosecutors, judges, and politicians. If you can’t work up a good hocker, pee on their shoes.
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Pertinent email
From: [email protected] Is Ronald Reagan our best president?
Reply family@@worldnet.att.net: Absolutely!
From: [email protected] WRONG! He IS not presently the President! You see, it all depends on what the definition of IS, is.
From: dolores@@ircc.cc.fl.us I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE GARBAGE YOUR WEB PAGE CONTAINS!!! ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN ABOUT THE THINGS RUSH SAYS. ALL I SEE ON YOU WEB SITE IS DESPICABLE NAME CALLING AND NO FACTS WHAT SO EVER. TALK ABOUT BRAINWASHED! (SORRY, I GUESS YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BRAIN FIRST) YOU LIE BETTER THAN YOUR god CLINTON DOES. OF ALL THE “MEAN-SPIRITED, BIGOTED” THINGS THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD, YOURS IS THE WORST. I BET YOU HAVEN’T EVEN LISTENED TO THE MAN AND YET YOU ARE WILLING TO SPOUT OFF AT THE MOUTH THE WAY YOU COMPLAIN CONSERVATIVES DO. EVERYTHING THAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY HATE ABOUT RUSH AND CONSERVATIVES, YOU DO. YOU ACT MORE LIKE A PARROT THAN YOU SAY CONSERVATIVES DO. WHAT YOU NEED IS TO GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR FAILINGS AND ADMIT THAT CONSERVATIVES ARE RIGHT AND LIBERALS ARE NOT ONLY WRONG, BUT A BUNCH OF COWARDS WHO DON’T STAND FOR ANYTHING. IF YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT IN YOUR HEART, YOU WOULDN’T BE DEDICATING SO MUCH TIME WITH A WEB SITE.
Reply Rack Jite: Thanx for the capital email. But I don’t understand, what’s the matter with doing what conservatives do? I thought that’s what you people wanted? But on another note, I have decided to ask every conservative woman who complains of Clinton’s private sex life these questions:
So Dolores, how many bjs have you given? To whom? Do you deep throat? Do you swallow? What is your mother’s phone number, I want to call her and ask her what she knows about any bjs you have given and to whom. You have children? I want to question them on what you have to say about all this too. I will be by tomorrow with the FBI to take your deposition for the grand jury that you will appear in front of to answer these questions. It better be the truth Dolores, or you will be convicted of felony perjury and in for a long prison term.
My only hope is every sane person in America will ask you hypocritical little right-wing witches these same questions every single time you open yer yaps on this subject. Am I clear on this?