The classic STUFF routine
Potent Quips and STUFF from George Carlin
1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?"
practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or clothless?
19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they
taste funny?
taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other
people.
people.
28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
30. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
37. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
39. Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?