Oh sure, laugh your ass off thinking hemorrhoids are just so damn funny, but only funny to those who have never had them. This disease causes untold pain and embarrassment to millions of people around the world. Maybe billions, for like many things, such as rape, it goes unreported for the embarrassment involved. Did I just compare hemorrhoids to rape? Oh no. How stupid, must be my newly found a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
So where is the spokesman or spokeswoman for this prolific and painful condition? Where is the non profit charity? Who will speak up for hemorrhoids? And speak up where there is an audience large enough to matter. I heard no mention at the Oscars, or at the Grammys or the State of the Union. Sarah Paliln and Donald Trump always have something to day about most everything, what about hemorrhoids? Though there is a difference between talking about them, having them and being one.
The most painful moment of my life was at my proctologist’s office when a hemorrhoid grew into a golfball sized blister – with a skin so thick I failed to destroy at home with the usual means of blindly poking at it with needles and razor blades.
Soon I found myself in a crowded waiting room where embarrassment kept everyone from chatting or even making eye contact.
My name was called and soon found myself face down on the well worn hemorrhoid operating table. I am sure I looked cool with my pants around my ankles and my ass in the air as a nurse prepped me. “Golly” the nurse quipped “That’s the biggest one I ever saw!” For as anyone in a similar position knows, those involved in the business of proctology are all jokers. Comes with that kind of work.
Soon the doctor came in making a few jokes. As he applied the cold alcohol he made the most profound understatement I ever heard in my life before or since.
“This may hurt a little,” he said as he shoved that Novocaine needle a yard up my ass into my very soul. I screamed so loud the blood pressure machine started going up on its own, while my body jumped forward causing my head to crack open the drywall at the front of the table. But finally relieved and smiling for the first time in a week, I re entered the once crowded waiting room to find it empty. Muy Groso 1991.
Hemorrhoids are so under the radar and under reported that my spell checker does not even recognize proctology.