A blast from the past from Teddy Bare.
While paging through your blog I decided it needed a religion column and I was pondering what to write about. Many articles came to mind like “How to Kill a Doctor in a Christian-like Manner” or “How to Kill a Turban covered Burr-Head in a Christian-like Manner” (Or Jew, Fag or what have you). Well, as you know, the list is endless, and while I was pondering all this I came across the enclosed article you may find amusing. Seems while I was trying to find ways of bumping off undesirables THE BIG GUY was thinking up ways of his own and making a statement at the same time. THE EXISTENCE OF GOD IS PROVEN (And in Superior, Wisconsin no less).
WOMEN IN CANOE KILLED BY TREE FELLED BY BEAVER
Superior, Wis. — A 76-year-old woman canoing the Brule River was killed when a tree that had been gnawed by a beaver fell and landed on her head, authorities say. The woman was paddling with her daughter about 1:45 pm Thursday in the town of Cloverland when the tree fell, according to the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department. The victim was pronounced dead at the scene. Her daughter was not hurt. Authorities didn’t release the women’s names pending notification of relatives. It was “a freak of nature” accident, Sheriff Marvin Arneson said. The poplar tree was about 18 inches in diameter and 30-40 feet tall.
The chances of such an incident happening are so unlikely that a higher power must have been at work Arneson said. “Non-Christians say there is nothing out there that controls their lives,” he said. “I believe there is a greater being who has control over whether we live or die. I think this situation proves it.” Milwaukee Journal
Actually Sheriff Arneson proved it unequivocally with his description of the unfortunate demise (did I say “unfortunate”, apparently it was not unfortunate but rather a planed event) of a 76 year old woman. Seems God is the only one clever enough to bump off some old bat in Superior. Not only that, but he passes the blame off on a beaver. DAMN CLEVER I SAY.
I think this will help us mortals understand better what God does during his off days when He’s not creating universes and such. HE teaches beavers to be “HIT MEN”. Now I knew, and every guy I know, knew, that beavers were dangerous, but deadly? Man I gotta’ be more careful, a lot more careful.
Actually the beaver in question was a little sloppy, what he was supposed to do on this celestial “Bank Shot” of a “God-Hit” was to drop the tree in the middle of the canoe, causing both ends to slam up and both mother and daughter to clang heads into brain splatter. But everything went bad from the start. The Angel in charge was having a bad day trying to punish Somali Warlords, Mother rapers, Father stabbers and what have you, and he just didn’t give this hit it’s proper attention. Oh well…
On the “up” side, it’s nice to know God is so slow to phis-off. 76 years it took her to get him to grind her head to mush, boy, that woman had to be grating him but good to get him mad enough to drive her clean through the bottom of a canoe with a tree! I wonder what she did to deserve it? Hopefully, all that will come out at the funeral services so the rest of us can avoid falling into the same trap.
Can’t you just hear the eulogy? Probably given by Sheriff Arneson himself: “We are here to pay our last respects to Sister Eunice who was whomped upside the head by a Poplar by God. No pun intended. Seems, for reasons unknown to us, in the mysterious way He works, He wanted her with Him. What God wanted with some old lady that was good with a paddle I’ll never know, but God works in mysterious ways. Now we are all sorry Sister Eunice had to go that way, but like I implied in the quote in the paper, well let’s face it, you know, the witch had it comin’. It’s not like God goes around doin’ this every day, she musta’ screwed up big. She probably forget to scribble out the bad words on the last Prince album she saw in the music store. And you all know God don’t like that. Let this be a lesson to us all. AMEN”
Well Rack I hope this has been an enlightening letter and will cause you to change your wicked wicked ways. Stop publishing that rag! Or do not ever get in a canoe again. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Teddy Bare, Cheese Country.
Thank you Mr. Bare for the article and your fine review. I will forward this to columnist Dave Barry, who with his readers, is keeping us up to date on dangerous and exploding animals throughout the world. It seems the beaver must have gotten away, which says little for the investigation work of Sheriff Arneson. Here in Texas such a capital crime would result in lethal injection, the beaver probably understood that and is why all known killer beavers do God’s work in states where there is no capital punishment. RJ