“I live to see the day when we won’t have public schools. Our churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!” Jerry Falwell
We at the Christian Intellectual Ministries have accomplished many wonderful things over the years. We have fought teaching the children of America the lie of evolution by requiring Creation Science, Intelligent Design and now the Fallacies of Evolution be given equal time in public school science classes. This is only fair considering the factual scientific truth of the first page of the Bible using the Christian Method as opposed to the unsubstantiated conjecture and lies of evolution using the atheistic Scientific Method. We may not have accomplished our ends in this regard yet, but with polls showing 50% of teachers and 60% of parents wanting variations of Creation Science given equal time in public school science classes, we will accomplish it before too long.
So let us savor our victories. In the past few years we have removed hundreds of books from school libraries, such foul Godless tripe as Of Mice and Men and Catcher in the Rye. We have removed sex education programs and halted the dissemination of birth control devices at all levels, while at the same time doing everything in our power (including shooting doctors in the back) to stop women from murdering their children. If we make sure our children are not taught about sex and birth control, they will not have extramarital sex, get pregnant, and there will be no need for abortions, it is only logical.
We have also managed to remove AIDS education at all levels. After all, what does a teenager need to know besides that if they have sex they will die? If that is their choice then too bad, what better way to learn to be responsible and accountable for their actions? We too have attacked and removed many forms of counseling and self-esteem programs, especially those regarding gays dealing with their homosexuality.
Our next step is to put Christ back into mathematics, either that or take math out of public schools all together. Remember, mathematics, just like evolution, cannot be proven, and as such, to be fair to our children, here are the new rules:
Change the plus sign to a fish, and put it on all typewriters and computer ASCII.
With the Trinity as the basis of Christianity we will base our system on 3 rather than 10.
Make pi an even 3. Call the corners of triangles, Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and make all angles of all triangles all equal.
Change the divide sign to a fish.
Change the multiply sign to a fish.
As subtraction has a negative connotation, it is a sign of the Devil and will not be tolerated.
And of course the story questions will all be references to Christianity and the Bible: If Jesus hung on the cross for 3 hours and came down to promote executions for 30 minutes, how many total minutes did he suffer on the cross?
A) 180 minutes
B) 150 minutes
C) 200 minutes
D) 175 minutes
Answer is A. You forgot, subtraction is not allowed.