Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy
Andy Borowitz
‘Benefit From My Experience,’ President Tells Pakistani
In
what he described as “an emergency mission to help a key ally in the
war on terror,” President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to
give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.
Mr.
Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf
declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections
“because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend
Pervez could benefit from my experience.”
Speaking to reporters
aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General
Musharraf’s impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that
the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: “When you’re
getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people
you’re doing it.”
Mr. Bush said that eliminating such things as
privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done “very
quietly and stealthy-like.”
“If I had gone on TV one day and
just ended democracy like Pervez did, I would have caught holy hell
from Maureen Dowd,” Mr. Bush chuckled. “You’ve got to be crafty about
these things.”
Mr. Bush chalked up Mr. Musharraf’s decision to
disclose the elimination of democracy as a “beginner’s mistake,”
adding, “I’ve had six-plus years of practice at this.”
He also
criticized the Pakistani dictator’s firing of the chief justice of the
Supreme Court: “Trust me, if you’re going to get rid of elections, a
Supreme Court could come in handy.”
Elsewhere, astronauts spent
Saturday morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space
Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers.