The London Fire Brigade anticipates that the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” will cause a rise in distress calls, from sexual adventurers who find themselves in dire straits after attempting to imitate scenes from the film. The Fire Brigade are friendly, good-looking blokes, but they don’t want to remove your sexual gear from a vacuum cleaner, although they’ll do it – because it’s part of their job. When I imagine the stories they have to tell, it’s unlikely that they ever have to buy a round of drinks.
The lives of emergency personnel everywhere aren’t a continual round of free drinks and jolly stories. The boys from Britain hope to head off distress calls from unlucky and/or unprepared sexual adventurers. That’s why the Brigade has set out to warn people of the dangers of blindly copying the folks in the movie. It should be stated that they’re not against experimentation, they simply ask that people do the impossible – use ‘common sense’ – is anything more uncommon?
The Brigade started a #FiftyShadesOfRed on Twitter, which is worth a look. Besides updates and anecdotes, they break down the costs of unsuccessful experimentation, and show growing trends. It also breaks down the growth of various types of calls and emergency sexual situations. One growing category is: ‘removal of objects from people’ or ‘removing people from objects’ This form of sexual healing is much better if prevented. One unhappy lady could not remove her husband’s titanium chastity belt without a bit of assistance. This category includes calls from men who have placed their ‘junk in a vacuum cleaner or other places where it doesn’t belong. The man who called because he was involved with his toaster is but one example. I once knew someone (not in the biblical way) who recalled a painful attempt to use his mom’s Hamilton Beach mixer as a sex toy,when he was a lad. I suspect he still gets jumpy when someone mixes a cake within earshot.
Likewise, as any emergency room attendant can tell you, the objects they remove from human beings are varied and extremely puzzling. Calls to remove finger rings are a constant, but calls to remove rings from elsewhere are climbing, such are the days in which we live. The Brigade would also like you to know that handcuffs lose all of their playful appeal, when no one remembers where the key was placed.