John Oliver is officially on hiatus, but he stopped by via the magic of a web exclusive to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! John also dropped in to shout “Death to Turkeys! If you are from the ‘Free Bird’ camp, John’s report may disturb you. Try hard not to hold it against him, I don’t believe he can help it; when he thinks of succulent turkey parts and steaming stuffing It’s obvious he has never been pulled from a warm bed, before sunrise to pull frozen giblets out of a turkey’s nether regions.
I won’t be a spoiler. Truly! I will just say that John feels that it is absurd to pardon one turkey and then consume 46 million birds without a second thought! Can you imagine the survivor’s guilt the poor pardoned turkey has to suffer? Speaking of guilt, John feels that all turkeys are guilty of being delicious, and deserve the most severe punishment. Ah – but wait a moment, I’m flashing upon a fond Thanksgiving memory we all shared. Who among you can think of turkeys meeting their end, and not ‘see’ the oblivious Sarah Palin interview with the turkey killing madman in the bloody abattoir of a background?
Furthermore, John has a suggestion for President Obama and future Presidents who are faced with the annual turkey pardon. If you follow John’s suggestion – which I will not disclose, the world will respect you! That is – of course, John’s opinion. There is also the chance that the world will feel you are a maniac, and no one will sit by you in important world leadership meetings. You know, the kind where presidents throw up in the laps of other world leaders, or try to massage Angela Merkel’s shoulders? Good times!
Photo inset: The turkey shown who is up for pardon, was fortuitously named Liberty. In this shot, he appears to be taking a few with then President Bush.
Here’s a little background about turkey pardoning. According to Wikipedia the origins of presidential turkey pardoning emerged from a murky and confusing past. It will surprise no one to learn that the first official pardoning was entirely political, and did not begin as long ago as you might think. Turkeys had traditionally been gifted to the President each year, beginning in 1947 under Truman, who ate the bird. Likewise Ike ate the primo turkey presented to him, it is doubtful that either bird felt honored in the slightest.
Kennedy was the first to ‘pardon’ a turkey spontaneously on Nov. 18, 1963, just four days before his assassination. The act was done out of discomfort toward its size, not out of empathy. The turkey was wearing a sign reading, “Good Eatin’ Mr. President.” The sign might have been a dare, as the bird weighed in at a hulking 55 pounds. Kennedy returned the massive turkey to the farm, saying “we’ll let this one grow.” It was the Los Angeles Times which labeled Kennedy’s catch and release a ‘pardon’ – not the President.
All hail the Gipper! (sort of) In 1987, Ronald Reagan was the first President to formally pardon a turkey, who happened to be named Charlie..He should have been named Oliver, as it turns out.
The reference to a pardon was in response to criticism over the Iran-Contra affair, in which Reagan had been questioned on whether or not he would consider pardoning Oliver North (who had not yet been tried for his involvement); Reagan conjured the turkey pardon as a joke to deflect those questions. It seems to have worked fairly well, so easily are Americans distracted
.Reagan did not pardon another Turkey, but we have George H.W. Bush to thank for the genuine turkey pardoning ceremony, which of course continues to this day…As does Oliver North – a turkey, who is much beloved by FOX news and other turkey admirers.