John Oliver warns alert viewers about patent trolls – the despicable scum who abuse the patent system by stockpiling patents and threatening lawsuits, so individuals and businesses are forced to shell out loads of money to trolls who have never invented anything in their miserable craven lives!
I like John’s definition of a patent: it’s “legally binding dibs.” Once a patent is filed, you’re on the road to riches with your own unique invention which no one else can ever claim. You may smash your alarm clock, wave good-bye to your boss, and prepare to live well on the fruits of your own creativity. That is how it’s supposed to work, and it is the fond dream of many Americans to invent something that will make a difference in the lives of others, and an even bigger difference in their own bank account. You can skip the former in the case of the Pet Rock inventor and proceed to the latter, where he was rewarded for his efforts generously just the same.
You really must see this for yourself. John presents several astonishing instances where small businesses were forced to settle with reprehensible trolls, who claimed to have a patent on some aspect of their own invention. In one case, a non-profit agency, providing employment services to people with disabilities, (nice people) was forced to give the creeps $1,000 for each employee who uses the agency’s own copy machine! How is this possible? The patent trolls claim they own the patent on a function in the machine.
If patent trolling sounds like extortion or old fashioned stagecoach robbery, why is it growing exponentially, and how is it not illegal? Oh sure, an attempt was made to curtail the practice, with a bill that passed the House unanimously – but it never made it to a vote in the Senate. Quite simply, as John explains “you can’t trust trial lawyers to decide whether there should be yet more baseless lawsuits. It is like trusting raccoons to make laws about garbage can security.” The little bandits are likely to lobby for easier access, and a law requiring the cans to remain conveniently open. SCREECH! That will be John’s raccoon impression – he nailed it, I tell you.
It’s time to put pressure on legislators to do something! Unfortunately, the bad guys have a head start. John explains why Texas is the favorite location for filing these suits. In a grand PR move, SAMSUNG built a skating rink in front of the courthouse in Marshall, Texas! If we want to influence legislators, we’re going to have to top that! It’s obvious that we can’t afford to ‘out-nice’ big corporations, so we must work with what we have.
Maybe we could arrange a raccoon infestation in the Senate – and an offer to clear it up – for the price of another patent bill? Of course, we’ll only relocate the little fuzzy families to the Senate attic where they can enjoy the warm breezes from the floor below – everyone wins!