Written in 1996 I feel it necessary to get this in before next week when Mr Gingrich falls once again into that ugly trash heap of History…
The Clan of the Cave Beast
Over the past few years, Noot’ s GOPAC has sent out planning kits to thousands of Republican candidates telling them that to get elected, they needed to " talk like Newt" . It specifically tells them to call Democrats and liberals; "bizarre, thieves, un-American, unpatriotic, unChristian, atheistic, self-serving, socialist, Marxist, sleazy, corrupt and criminal." With that said…
The Great Council sat with legs crossed around the fire waiting for the boy to approach. It was the time of manhood for Sleezel. An unattractive young man, whose oversized head kept him apart from most of the physical games the other boys played, waddled up to the fire with head lolling from side to side to accept his task at finding a namesake token for his rise to manhood. The Council Leader explained to Sleezel that the other boys had recently hunted and killed wolf, bear, lion and mammoth to gain their tokens and that perhaps his best bet to overcome his poor reputation would be to bring down a giraffe. As usual, the boy talked rather than listened but finally took up his spear and went out to become a man.
Not far from the cave, near the garbage dump, Sleezel sat down to think. Though he could talk about giraffe hunting and admonish others for cowardly refusing to go on such hunts, for him, it was out of the question. His peers did not call him Full Moon Head for no reason, as running down any large animal would surely cause his head to fall backwards and bounce along behind him on the ground. As he sat pondering his dilemma, he noticed a small mammal rooting around in the trash heap. Its sleek slender quickness was attractive to the clumsy boy and he decided to follow the animal, learn it’ s ways and take it as his token rather than a large giraffe which would probably cost him some grievous hurt.
He watched as the animal darted about. He tracked it fascinated by its control over whatever environment it found itself in. It commanded the ground where it ferociously killed small reptiles and mammals, it took to the shorelines where it attacked amphibians, crustaceans and unwary fish, it climbed trees stealing the eggs of birds, it went after the hatchlings and young of every species including its own. It was everything the slow, head encumbered Sleezel wished himself to be.
Hunting it down and killing it to get it’ s hide and heart for the manhood ceremony was of course another matter. However after days of following it, the Great Spirit looked fondly upon Sleezel and he came across the animal dead from an altercation between others of its kind. Thereafter it was that the boy became the man known as Sleezel the Weasel.
The clan soon became embroiled in a war with a neighboring tribe. With so many young men dying some people began questioning the purpose of fighting over whose Spirit was the real Spirit. After Sleezel successfully petitioned the Great Council to defer him from the battle because his ungainly head – this was now supported with a hollowed mammoth vertebra buttressed from his shoulders – hindered effective combat. Once out of harms way Sleezel became the central advocate of keeping the war going. He benefited in many ways from his stand. Shunned by clan maidens, the war caused a rarity of men and Sleezel soon found an older widow to purchase.
With so many young men out of the picture fighting and dying, Sleezel, competent at nothing worthwhile at all, finally coerced himself a spot on the Great Council where he talked so much in so irritating a manner, council members began to accept his ideas just to get him to shut his yap.
Time passed and Sleezel increased his power over the tribe. His first step was to win over Grunge the Spirit Talker. Grunge was often in trouble with the people of the clan for rejecting any new idea that happened by, so Sleezel made a contract with him. If Grunge would give him the favor and backing of the Spirits, Sleezel would help him hold the status quo.
Sleezel explained it was a simple two step process. First, a requirement that all clan members accept and worship the Spirits as Grunge and Sleezel saw fit, and if any individual or Council member did not adhere to that process, Sleezel would help Grunge ostracize them out of the tribe or off the Council by calling them names such as Spirit Haters, Dung Smellers, Tribe Traitors and Child Eaters. And secondly, playing upon the clan members poor long range memories by defining old ideas as new ideas, realizing the older the ideas, the newer they would seem.
Sleezel then went to old Booger of the Nose Bones who had the most wives for good reason. As sole producer of the currency for the clan, nose bones, Booger controlled the economy of the clan and was programmed by the Spirits to always want more. Sleezel cut a simple deal with him also. If Booger would give him ten nose bones each new Moon and send over an extra wife each night, Sleezel would ensure the rise in both the demand and the price of nose bones. This of course would benefit everyone.
It wasn’ t long before Sleezel the Weasal took control of the Great Council. He drove his enemies out and began his plan of renewal. The new rules were simple:
No man could have sex with other men’ s wives, except for Sleezel.
No one was to break any laws handed down by the Spirits, except for Sleezel.
No one was to take nose bones for special favors, except for Sleezel.
No man could run from war duty, except for Sleezel.
No one would is allowed to lie, cheat or act in a corrupt manner, except for Sleezel.
Everyone would be held accountable and responsible for their actions, except for Sleezel.
It soon became obvious to all what Sleezel was and what he was up to. He soon became the most disliked man in the clan. Even his patsies on the Great Council had trouble stomaching him as did both Grunge and Booger, but he had stumbled upon the formula of the future, control of the Spirits and wealth resulted in control of the people. Sleezel held on for a few more years until one day, while showing the clan his new idea of dealing with the old and infirm, he leaned too far forward pushing an old wife off on an ice flow. His head fell forward breaking his neck and he sank to the bottom of the icy sea where he was found and hired by Fox News.