What do we tell our children? Especially our little girls? To what Hollywood Insider brought to the headlines around the world? I can’t help but take that question back 18 years when it was not the Hollywood Insider or the media, but the REPUBLICAN PARTY that went with the Clinton Impeachment to put bjs on the front page of every newspaper, magazine, and television in the world for most of two years?
What we should have told our little girls is don’t ever admit to anyone that you gave a BJ to anyone, it is none of their business, oh and “don’t get any on ya.” And to our boys we explain that a gentleman never ever squeals on a woman who gave them a BJ. That people, governments and political parties who require under that with threat of jail to those suspected, including their mothers, should be grabbed by the back of their pointy little heads and have their faces rubbed in the poop they shat.
Blast from the past circa 1998
The Scumbag Party (formally the GOP) Brings Blowjobs, Hard-On Lean, and Peckertracks into Every Home and Classroom in America
All honorable men of good character who may be lucky enough to get a BJ not only refrain from pointing the finger, but lie about it if asked.
From this day forward in America, any man lucky enough to get a BJ knows to pull the shades; for there is probably a Republican outside peeking in the window.
To Hell with sanitizing this crap; they want it, so let’s be honest with ourselves and each other and use the words of the real world here. I want to personally thank the Republican Party for allowing (or forcing) us to speak plainly to these matters. Since this is what they want to talk about, damn if I’m not going to take them up on it.
Thanks to their skanky, vindictive, political smear machine, the GOP (who get their buns in a knot over sex education) have relentlessly brought forced sex education not only into the living rooms of every family in America, but into our classrooms as well. There is no getting away from it; television, radio, and the covers of almost every newspaper and magazine in America show it. It’s the Republican party’s way of making sure the world knows that indeed, we are the United Buffoons of America.
The GOP has relentlessly pushed this into our national debate, causing our children to ask questions; primarily what is oral sex? Which, in turn, brings up other philosophical questions: What’s better, an attempted bj or a presumed bj? Is swallowing the best way to keep peckertracks off one’s dress? When the president of the United States gets a hard-on, which way does it lean? What are sluts and bimbos, and why is the president attracted to them? We have to answer these questions for our kids. The Republicans have shoved it in our faces mercilessly for years on end, so why don’t we let it all hang out and give our young people the answers in a language they can understand.
“Son, I know you’re only eight, and even though it’s fun playing around in my head trying to explain this all to you in highbrow medical terms, the Republicans want sex education forced upon you. So here it is.
“Oral sex is commonly called a bj. It’s when someone puts someone else’s pee-pee in their mouth and sucks on it. There is a Republican newspaper called the American Spectator that said a lady, Paula Jones, did that with the president. She is the lady the Republicans bring on TV all the time; you know, the one with the braces, the big nose, and the scraggly hair. She says she did not give the President a bj even though she says he showed her his pee-pee and asked for one. She says his pee-pee got big, which is commonly known as a hard-on, and that the President’s hard-on leans a certain way. So she got mad that the Republican magazine said she did something she did not do, and so she wants the president to give her $2 million because the magazine lied about her. I know, I know, it’s hard for even me to understand. Suffice it to say that’s what is called Republican politics.
Then another girl named Monica Lewinsky said in court she did not give the president any bjs. But a Republican lady named Linda Tripp put a tape recorder in her pants and got the girl to say she did give the president bjs. The Republican lady gave the tape recording to the Republican police, who hate the president very much because he is a popular Democrat, and they want to destroy him so he can’t be president any more and they can throw him in jail. So the Republican police put a tape recorder in the Republican lady’s pants again and had her talk to the girl and try to get her to say she gave the president bjs. The head Republican policeman, Ken Starr, is trying to destroy the president because the Republicans in the government told him to.
Anyway, when someone gets a bj, a little while later the hard-on squirts some stuff out that isn’t pee-pee; it’s what makes babies. But that is a whole other story that I intend to have some Republican come by and explain to you tomorrow. The Republicans said that stuff squirted on the girl’s dress, so they had the Republican police run to her apartment and get all her dresses. When that stuff gets on other stuff they call it peckertracks. So the Republicans are checking it out to see if the peckertracks are the president’s. They can tell because Republicans like playing with peckertracks and know all about such things.
Monica seems to have given lots of people bjs lots of times. That makes her a slut. A slut is a name for women who have sex with lots of men. When a man has sex with lots of women he is called cool, unless he is a president who is not a Republican. There was another girl the President got bjs from before he was president; her name was Gennifer Flowers. She was a slut too, as was Paula Jones. It doesn’t matter if any of these sluts are telling the truth or not, because they will all get lots of money to be on television, write books, or have their pictures taken with their clothes off.
I am not sure what the lesson is here that the Republicans want me to pass on to you. With their fixation on bjs, perhaps they want me to explain the bj philosophy. Okay, here it is.
Girls go through the trouble of giving boys bjs because boys like it a whole lot, and girls are nice enough to give guys what they like a whole lot. So always be nice to girls and you might get bjs when you grow up. But if you do, please remember the lesson we have just learned. Always make sure all the doors are closed and the curtains drawn, for there may very well be a Republican peeking in the window. But one thing I am sure of; a bj is better than a suspected bj, a presumed bj, half a bj, or no bj. I have now performed my duty Republicans have required all parents in America to do (and lots of phised off schoolteachers too I hear). Now go out and play. And oh, don’t get any on ya.”