Washington – The latest revelations on the USS government’s attempts to build a “Gay bomb” that would turn the enemy into homosexuals have surfaced, indicating that an entire battalion of Marines may have been exposed to a prototype of the weapon.
The Marine Corps Inspector General, Horace D. Himmel, stated in a brief news conference today that several members of the battalion were singled out for special treatment when they began installing elaborate window treatments in their billets. Other reportedly began cutting other marines hair in styles that were described as “decidedly un-leatherneck.”
General Himmel said that the corps might have been able to weather several minor flare-ups, but “When several members of Headquarters Company started their own hair salon, called “Jarre Heads”, it became obvious that something had gone sorely awry.
One of the troops involved, PFC Landsdown Murphy of Indianola, Mississippi, exclaimed to Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper, that he felt the Marine Corps had really let him down. "Esprit De Corps, Semper Fi, Don’t ask, don’t tell, I guess they were just words without meaning,” said the obviously disappointed enlisted man. “They took my drapes out to the rifle range and used them for Maggie’s drawers! Now that hurts!”
The research on the secret weapon is rumored to have been halted.