Though this was written during the Clinton impeachment process, little has changedin 12 years, in fact this ugly slug of a man has managed to become even more disgusting than he was before, which in this political environment means he can win in the Republican primaries, he can win the general election here in the United States of Duh.
"Noooot…. Noooot…" Came the moan under the din of clacking chains. The Ghost Who Walks the Rotunda was paying The Speaker a call. At first Noot thought it was just another congressional freshman under some furniture having yet one more orgiastic seizure from being in his presence, but soon the apparition couldn’t be missed for what it was.
"Oh, it’s you Pat, for a minute I assumed I was so smart and powerful I had spontaneously created life. What’ s with the chains?" Obviously, Noot thought it was presidential candidate Pat Buchanan coming by to crack some more Christian fag jokes they both enjoyed so well.
"Repent…. Repent…." The ghost chanted as it came closer. Though it did at first look like Buchanan it was the ghost of the most reviled man to ever walk the halls of the Capital.
"Senator McCarthy! I am honored by your presence!" Noot beamed. " I have taken up the mantle. Where’ s Roy? He’ s my favorite Jew."
"Noooot… Repent! Or you too will wear these chains of misery. Mr. Cohn is presently at such a deep level in Hell – The Hypocritical Evil Weasel Pit – he will never see a painless morrow. It is where you are headed too if you do not stop playing the game I played so well. It will only result in a life of regrets, a lonely death, and an afterlife in chains. Hear me Noot. Change your ways."
The apparition drifted away as Noot called after it, " I must do what I do! This is a revolution and I am a revolutionary. Hey! Do you think I’ d look good in fatigues?" Noot dozed off wondering what medals he could coerce and where they would look best on his newly imagined uniform.
"Noot! Wake up. Come with me. We will take a peek at what has been. Come." The stern image took control dragging the reluctant fat assed slug of a Speaker behind him by his red Rush Limbaugh tie.
"There you are Noot, protesting the war protesters. What’ s that sticking out of your pocket? Let’ s zoom in and see. Ah, a letter from your college you were taking to the draft board to insure your deferment from a war you were pleased to have lesser men fight for you." Noot sighed boredom, his conservative colleagues understood, in fact, most of them did the same, God and Country needed them for more important matters like throwing women and children off the welfare rolls in time for Christmas.
"Let’ s move on Noot. Here you are right after your move from Pennsylvania to Georgia so you could run for office in an easier congressional seat. Love those horned rimmed glasses and muttonchops! But let’ s keep moving. Ah, here you are at your wife’ s bedside in the hospital. As she recovers from an ovarian cancer operation, you toss her divorce papers. Priceless! Then off you go by yourself to Washington. Look here! This is your church handing out food and clothes to your x-wife and your children because you wouldn’t pay child support. Didn’t you win your seat on a family values personal responsibility platform? Move over Roy! One more coming down!" The ghost mirthfully hollered.
Once again Noot was bored. His conservative constituents understood. He married that old bag to stay out of Vietnam. It wasn’t his fault she got so fat and ugly she would only be a cancer on his move to the top. Anyway, he was getting good sex from not only his wife to be, but not a few perky little campaign volunteers.
"Yes Noot, you are right in that. I can read your thoughts, everyone can. Let’s take a look at a moment of this sex life of yours. Do you see that car parked in front of your little girl’ s elementary school? Looks like you are sitting alone waiting for your daughter. Wait! The car seems to be bouncing a bit. Oh, I see, you’re getting a BJ. Kind of hypocritical for someone who made most of his political hay feigning such high moral Christian values wouldn’t you say? And a leader in impeaching a President for the same thing. Perhaps we will have to begin construction of a Hell level lower than Mr. Cohn’s."
Noot was no longer paying attention to this moron who hadn’t a clue to how politics worked. Noot was a conservative, and other conservatives either didn’t believe what the liberal press said about him, or they didn’t care, after all, he was giving them what they wanted, a hate extensive propaganda war against Liberals and Democrats and the glitter of money plums dancing in their heads. Noot understood Americans.
Once more Noot found himself in his office thinking about what crimes and sedition he could blame on Liberals the following day – could he manage putting the Holocaust on bureaucratic leftists? His reverie was interrupted by another liberal demon appearing before him.
"Come with me Noot. Let’s see what your Christmas government shutdown did to millions of American’s this day." Off the pair went from one home to the next, the checks not coming only slowed down the joy of the children a bit, but the real hurt came down on those already hurting. Checks not arriving for disabled veterans, for poor single women on welfare, to sick children on social security, a kick in the head to not one, but millions of Tiny Tims.
This was too much for Noot, now he was angry. It was that draft dodging socialist President Clinton who caused all this, not he. The argument that congress controlled the purse strings was only a good argument when it served his purposes.
"Frankly, you are bizarre and only pushing out liberal disinformation. It won’ t work, this is a conservative country as I have proved unequivocally in the last election. Americans will not believe your Liberal Welfare State rhetoric, they believe in me, I am the light, I am the way." Noot spat out.
The apparition shook his head and returned Noot to his office. "You will be happy to know Noot, there is no welfare, liberal or otherwise, in Hell. Be certain, you will be completely on your own, no GOPAC, no PACs, no book royalties." Noot laughed, he was doing the work of Jesus, he was one of the chosen, he was as close to God and Heaven as any man had yet come.
Noot was about to leave the office when it came one more time. The darkness was upon him and a voice began. "You have perfected "newtspeak", which in earlier times Orwell named "newspeak." With your talent you have managed to increase the income of the wealthy at the expense of the poor, to gain more control for the powerful over the powerless, and have the audacity to call this war of masters over slaves of yours a revolution. This has been cataloged as the most obnoxious hypocrisy in human history. As such, I have been called forward to give you a taste of not the possible future but the unchangeable one."
The dark shape enveloped him. Suddenly they were looking down on a mall parking lot in Atlanta. Dangling from a rope attached to a high light post, a rotund gray haired body in fatigues and meaningless medals pinned all over it, swung by its toe. A mass of humanity cheered as the body turned; North, Northeast, East, Southeast, South, Southwest…