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Bush Vetoes Candy for Babies -Borowitz Report


Bush Vetoes Candy for Babies (Move Takes Candy From Over Four Million Babies)

The Borowitz Report
Andy Borowitz

In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush
today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies.

With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a
law that would have expanded candy benefits to America’s hungriest
babies.

At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was
"unconcerned" that his veto would create the impression that he was, in
effect, taking candy from babies.

"Being president means making tough decisions," said White House press
secretary Dana Perino. "If that means taking candy from babies, so be
it."

Mr. Perino said that the $3 billion saved by vetoing the Candy for
Babies Act would be used for one of Mr. Bush’s pet projects, a new
program that would pay people to kick old ladies who are trying to cross
the street.

The funding of the Kicking Old Ladies Act comes on the heels of another
potentially unpopular move by the president, an executive order that
would force puppies and kittens out of animal shelters and onto the
streets in time for the winter.

In other White House news, President Bush responded to criticism of the
Blackwater security firm by hiring a new firm to take over security in
Iraq, a company called Bongwater.
"I met with the Bongwater folks and I liked them," he said. "They seemed
a lot more laid back than Blackwater."

Elsewhere, Britney Spears said she regretted losing custody of her
children "because I was just teaching them how to drive."