Self described ‘Mother, Soldier, Conservative’ – Joni Ernst is running for the GOP Senate seat in Iowa, as you will see in her campaign video titled “Squeal.” The candidate reckons her most compelling (and sole) qualification is as follows: ”I’m Joni Ernst. I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm so when I get to Washington, I’ll know how to cut pork.”
There, you have it.
If you’ve ever seen the movie ‘Deliverance’ with Burt Reynolds and the unfortunate Ned Beatty, the word “Squeal” has been burned indelibly on your brain, although you’d bleach your frontal lobe to remove it. It strikes me that I should note that this is a true story, not an Onion or other put-on, true life often beats fiction in the absurdity stakes. As Ernst says in a TIME article, “Hog castration gives me conservative creds.”
According to farm-girl Ernst, ”My parents taught us to live within our means. It’s time to force Washington to do the same, to cut wasteful spending, repeal Obamacare, and balance the budget.”
Hey, hold on there lady. I knew there was something wrong with a woman whose video shows adorable little piglets lounging and loving life, when these are the same piggies she personally will attack in unspeakable, bloody ways while forcibly stealing their manhood. She’s the Freddy Krueger of the farm-yard. Speaking of ‘jewels’ her manager, as yet unseen, must have the biggest pair in show business.
When Ernst puts repealing Obamacare in the list of wasteful spending, I get the feeling we’re all piggies snoozing while she sharpens her tools…Can you hear the banjos dueling, lulling us to sleep? Mitt Romney supports her. Need I say more? I have a queasy feeling that ‘wasteful spending’ doesn’t mean farm subsidies or egregious corporate welfare – but is instead aimed at social services such as welfare and food-stamps. Perhaps cuts to school lunches and libraries are in her plan as well, they are very popular with fellow Republicans.
Joni concludes, “I’m Joni Ernst and I approve this message because Washington’s full of big spenders. Let’s make ‘em squeal”
I can’t believe they didn’t snag her for the presidential run!