The world is becoming a worse place to live. These new guidelines from the Department of Homeland Security will help you deal with all the mass shootings, tsunamis, and, God forbid, puppy arson.
The secret is Homeland Security’s graduated outrage and terror rating system. They have dispensed with the old color-coded technology, which everyone ignored. The new system takes you through five levels of outrage, and advises you of the appropriate response. For example, HTR – or Hard To Relate is at the bottom of the spectrum. A good example would be far away tsunamis, empathy and no other action is required. At the opposite end, we have ‘EIF’or ‘Everything Is F**ked’ At this level, personal martial law applies, do whatever soothes you – with the exception of touching yourself! Homeland Security will let you know when that is the advised reaction.