President Obama makes a reasonable offer to citizens of the ten states who collected the most signatures to secede…And a better one to the 40 who put in less effort. Elmo confesses his discomfort. Voters suffer post-election let-down. The financial impact is felt upon the release of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s holiday album, and the nation is horrified to learn about the war in Afghanistan, while reading up on the Petraeus scandal. This and much more in the Onion Week in Review.