Susie Sampson sets out to get the pulse of the nation, by asking a sample group to give their opinions on Donald Trump, Deez Nuts and Planned Parenthood. It will be challenging to get Iron Patriot’s pulse through his metallic shell, but if we listen carefully, we can tell that he’s mainly concerned about when he will appear on Facebook…How devoted can he truly be?. Oddly, another man had little interest in the questions, but enthusiastically posed for a Facebook picture. What is happening to us?!
There are several opinions on Donald Trump, but one gentleman wasted no words, succinctly describing The Donald as “a righteous” see you next Tuesday. It sounds more authoritative when he says it. Of course, several others weigh in with varying opinions, and one who supports Trump, bases his faith on extreme suppositions. Intuition is not a reliable guide, folks. Oh, by the way, if you know what all of these topics have in common, maybe you could clue me in please?
Susie says “Ebola has hit NYC! What do we do? Lace up the used shoes and hit the lanes for an evening of bowling fun!”
Now that a New York physician has fallen ill with Ebola it is time to turn the panic knob up to ‘High.’ Things never really exist until they happen in New York. The selfless victim contracted the disease while treating patients in Guinea while serving in Doctors Without Borders. Upon arriving home to New York he put himself in quarantine…Which sounds like the responsible thing to do, right?
Apparently we need to redefine the concept of ‘quarantine.’ According to my research, which is based upon re-runs of ‘Little House on the Prairie and Gun-smoke,’ back in the olden days before they had antibiotics, there were pesky diseases which had to be stamped out using proven remedies such as goose grease, bleeding with leeches and over-the-counter Opium. Perhaps the most important tool in the disease arsenal was the quarantine. When someone fell ill, no member of the family left the house until the sick member(s) were cured or they took a rather final turn for the worse. Somehow our New York physician/Ebola victim thought he was complying with quarantine protocal when he hopped aboard a crowded subway,then took his wife for a romantic bowling date, no doubt thinking ‘this quarantine isn’t such a drag, after all!’ How strong do you suppose that spray they use in bowling shoes is, anyway?
Susie further questions what kind of whimsical advice this doctor may be giving his patients; and asks if anyone knows this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month? If your answer is ‘no’ I’m not surprised. Our national radar has been jammed by a bug.
Comedian and writer for Conan, Deon Cole takes a look at today’s headlines and tells some harsh truths in his role as very mobile newsman. In fact, the rolling news desk could catch on with major news networks, the better to stay current with up-to-the-minute news on the 24-hour news cycle.
Deon’s analysis and somewhat severe advice is invaluable and clear-headed when Conan brings up the threat of civil war in Iraq. Conservatives have completely forgotten that they are the ones who caused the very problems for which they are blaming Obama. The harping of the conservative critics will soon quiet if Deon’s advice is put into action.
Deon inquires, “Are these critics the same people who got us into this mess in the first place?” Conan assures him that Yes they are. “Then they should go over there and clean up their own mess and shut the hell up!” I trust top level security advisers are writing this down.
I particularly like the last part, and in fact – it is applicable for several other current situations.
Other knotty news problems include the celibacy ban coaches would like to inflict upon World Cup players. Deon has the answers. We also recognize this is the 20th anniversary of OJ’s slow speed car chase – which wasn’t all negative according to Deon. Not least, the trademark office’s decision that the Washington Redskins owner needs to find another name for his team. Once again, the answers are simple when you have less than 15 seconds to roll across the stage. I do hope this catches on.