Our ‘mole’ in the Tea Party Susie Sampson and her other alter-egos have reunited to bring us the latest from The Front. CPAC has enabled every backward political hopeful to come front and center, and today we have a special performance from poetess of plagiarism Sarah Palin – who oddly hates Uncle Sam. Susie explores Putin, The Douche King – and the Crimean question. Last of all, you’ve seen reports from this front, but the battle still rages. BYU’s film in which they encourage buddies to stop one another from having sex for one, has brought the magnitude of the battle to the forefront.
Now we can’t ignore “Big Bad Russian” Vladimir Putin. His name makes him sound like a douche, and unfortunately he’s turned INTO a douche. Now Putin wants to turn the whole world in to his own personal game of risk. Problem! That game, much like the Cold War, takes FOREVER!
Say Putin, you give off a lot of mixed messages:
1. Saying you care about the Russians before, you know, killing a lot of them.
2. Saying “We’re back to Mother Russia”, yet a lot of Russians are still struggling.
3. Saying that you’re anti-gay and yet how many White Russians HAVE you swallowed?From the war in Crimea to the war in our PANTS!
The Mormons have declared war on masturbation. The beloved age old act is “cumming” under fire. In a PSA from the BYU president, they actually equate ignoring a masturbating roommate to “leaving your buddy on the battlefield”.
The enemy whispers, “Don’t get involved. It’s not your problem.”
Brothers and sisters, don’t leave the wounded on the battlefield.
Which battlefield might that be? It’s literally the Battle of the Bulge. So remember great Americans, all you need to do to save your brothers from the Devil’s Grip of masturbation is to ask “Permission to cock-block sir?”Permission granted.
This week saw the return of CPAC, the great bastion of Conservative thinkers gathering in Washington, DC to think conservatively. This week was filled with—Surprise, surprise…Old white men proving that they’re OLD WHITE MEN!
Chris Christie was speaking and boy oh boy I think he’s running for President! That bully is a real winner, no matter his morality. It is about taking back the Presidency at any cost.
Wayne La Pierre was like Elvis at the CPAC conference. They just can’t get enough of his swaying hips and his guns firing!
A late entry in the CPAC crazy race is Sarah Palin. As FreakOutNation described her Poetry Jam; “Sarah Palin opens her mouth at cpac a raging infectious oral diarrhea pours out the crowd cheers!”
Gosh, the spectacle of CPAC this year was so varied that it’s hard to pick a winner. There are other reasons why it’s hard to pick a winner, but just work with me.
Sarah Palin, or McCain’s Folly isn’t known for originality or niceness. That’s why she borrowed from Ted Cruz’s reading of ‘Green Eggs and Ham.’ You may recall his attempt to fillibuster us back to the stone age. However, Palin (or someone) did edit the words to show her hatred for Uncle Sam. I’m confused, I thought Tea Party folk were ‘patriots’ and approved of Sam, but Palin’s adaptation of the classic leaves no room to dispute that he is a bad, evil man – nope!
I do not like this Uncle Sam.
I do not like this health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks.
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals.
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like ex-speaker Nan.
I do not like this Yes we can.
I do not like this spending spree.
I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free.
I do not like their smug replies.
When I complain about their lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it, nope nope nope.