WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America somewhere no…
“People don’t try to hit me if I have a gun.” Chris Cantwell I suppose the first order of business is to get the names…
“The country’s going to go nuts, because they’re going to see it [immigration executive order] as a move outside the authority of the president, and…
“Everybody back! This man’s swallowed his nose! Don’t panic, I’m a sheet metal worker! Somebody bring me a pail of water and a catcher’s mitt!”…
The dumbest person in elected office will be a tie until January when Michelle Bachmann leaves the House to Louie Gohmert. But the dumbest person…
You don’t govern by executive orders, you govern by impeachment and shutting down the government Oh, and the biggest Republican game play, doing nothing at…
Detroit’s 18 hole golf courses need water for critical fountianing Gosh… So Detroit turns the water off for poor people who don’t pay up, but…
13 Americans are injured by sharks each year, 13,000 Americans are injured by pails and buckets Oh, and the two things front and center in…
What’s the message here? If I ain’t mistakin’ it’s that color has no boundaries when it comes to women putting a stop to having fun.…
We don’t know which of the Seven Dwarfs you men be bringing to the house. You go girl! I must say that the ladies…
“Personally, I’d stay as far the hell away from BlackHoles as I can” Neil deGrasse Tyson Matthew McConaughey is such a spaceshot he makes Woody…
Ah, the good old daze… What was so good about them? There used to be more crime, poverty, racism, intolerance, head injuries, hunger, illness, death,…
Hey, Woody didn’t bite Jennifer Lawrence on the ass, he only bit her leg. Which is okay. Good to finally see Jenifer Lawrence with some…
That’s my shirt he has on! Can you smoke cigarettes in New York City these days? Can you eat weed in New York City? You…
“Voting should be made easier. Make election day a holiday, allow you to vote online, allow you to vote without a picture ID. But you…