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Letter to a Fatass Nation

fat ass americaWe can quickly define many other countries; Italy is so romantic, the Germans are beerly regimented, the French are soft and snotty and the British are… Fish & chipsie. The growing view of America is that we are a violent egomaniacal bank, but FATASS is understood as the vernacular.
The physical size of our asses is not really the issue — though ass size and knowing sports and celebrity trivia are a few of the things we really are number one at in the world. No, it’s our lazy consumption of shallow minutia that defines us as people. Did you hear Britney shaved her head? What about the diapers? Have they buried her yet? Who did best with that ball this weekend? Any pedophiles in the news? And topping it all off is the anger we generate at each other over even more minute minutia.
I read three letters in my local paper today that some guy over on Pebblebrook Ln. left his 14′ boat in the driveway all weekend! Yes indeed! My neighbor Bob stepped in some dog poop in his front yard last week. Wow! He kicked his shoe off, threw it over his house into the backyard and turning purple he screamed about guns, shooting dogs and suing neighbors! And even closer to home, the DVR failed to record Tuesday’s Dr. Phil! It doesn’t get much worst than that, let me tell you.
Our neighbors have become nothing more than potential trespassers, other cars are the enemy, service means someone to witch at, and now many red states intend to override the Constitutional, human, legal, and civil rights to groups of people they don’t happen to like. All this as Abaia with a garbage bag wearing her black burka, climbs through the rubble that was once her home collecting the body parts or her children.